Have an amazing husband but a rubbish sex life.

[Foxton20]

Hi, posting for traffic.

I have an amazing husband/man that Iv been with for 6 years. We got married last year.

He’s a fab dad to our daughter and my two oldest. He works hard and provides everything without ever moaning. He earns a very good wage and supports us all. He does all the cooking, it’s hilarious, and I can honestly say my best friend. I absolutely love spending time with him and miss him when he’s at work. He works shift work so rarely here.

He is everything I could possibly want in a man, and what I hope my daughters would look up to.

The problem is we barely have sex or anything. Probably once/twice a month. I can’t remember the last time we had foreplay. It’s normally missionary in the dark.

He hasn’t got much confidence, won’t undress in front of me and hates me touching his belly etc. He’s rugby player built and I fancy the arse off him.

He says he thinks I’m pressuring him if I discuss sex. I’m the second person he’s slept with.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split my family up, the kids adore him and would never forgive me.
I adore him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But it’s got to the point I’m desperate for some attention. My confidence has never been so low. I want to feel wanted.

Huh, where did I say he was trying to keep busy? Must have missed the bit I said where I said we snuggle when he’s home in the evenings.

And no, I didn’t ask him to marry me or asked him out 😂😂

I know he might just feel this is more pressure but would he consider counselling?

We spend time together watching movies etc and when we are both off in the week we have “day dates” where we go o it for lunch etc. We try and have date nights once a month where we go out when we have a babysitter.

I’m going to mention counselling when he’s home this afternoon. I absolutely adore him and know for a fact I wouldn’t find anyone better in other aspects.

I asked if you initiated the whole relationship because him initiating it doesn’t make sense if you are not his type. It sounds like you are pretty crazy about him but he is just meh and tags along because you want him so much. How did you transition the friendship into love? After many months/years you both suddenly realised you were in love with someone who os not your type?

You know as I read this and the subsequent comments the Op has written, I cant help that the genders have been switched. Apologies if I am way of base, but I can just imagine the horror of those whose negative assumptions are always gender based.
OP , the only way you can solve this is to have an open and honest conversation with your Partner. This is not about criticism or being negative, but about making positive adjustments to your relationship. Your and his unhappiness will only grow as time goes on if this isnt sorted out one way or the other.

Any medical issues? Your situation is v similar to mine but in our case DH has some medical issues and so is often in pain or discomfort which obviously kills off his sex drive. Gluten intolerance causing IBS type symptoms and is now being investigated for ulcerative colitis after blood loss etc
I only found out after using the bathroom after him and the flush not working properly - he was scared and embarrassed so had kept it hidden from me. Just offering an alternative explanation to the "he's gay" suggestion

Going out in a limb. He's gay.

🙄

OP I wonder if he has had something really traumatic happen as a young child or teenager ? Have you ever thought that he could have been abused or assaulted?

Tbh you both sound like you have massive body hang ups.

You say he loved the underwear but no one walkses around in pretty/sexy underwear all the time. And it shouldn't be necessary to need "props" all the time. If you love/fancy eachother then it would surely be happening in sweatpants and hoodys as well as sexy underwear and a shirt skirt etc ( u less of course you tell me here that you dont shower brush teeth etc and walk around smelly sweaty and yuck?)

Does he watch porn? A lack of foreplay, a need for you to be in fancy underwear and not even wanting to look at you in the light could mean he is busy watching porn and doesnt find reality as interesting.

It's rare to find a man whose only ever slept with 2 people. Rate mot impossible but that would have me wondering if hes even bothered by sex at all. Some arent I guess.

I wish him luck talking to him. Try and frame it so its not a criticism or complaint but something to work on together

I’m also in the same boat as you. Difference been married for 11 years and I have feelings that he might be gay ( I know u definitely don’t). It’s difficult, I’ve not read all your updates so apologies if you’ve already said - what does he say when you talk about it? Have u been counselling? We tried it

I don't know why people think it is such an out there idea that he is gay. I had a friend in a very similar situation and her husband ended up leaving her for a man.

Anyway, OP says he is not so..

I dunno OP, honestly I think this his sex drive is unlikely to change if he has always been like this. And if he is a great husband otherwise and you want to stay in the marriage I guess you have two choices:
Be happy with self pleasuring - and go on your own journey exploring and growing in this area.

1. And I will get roasted for this but here goes - find someone else to have sex with. There are websites for this now. Obviously, if your husband would be unhappy with this it could destroy your marriage. Is there any chance he would be ok with it as he knows he can't meet your needs this way?

Low sex drive or
gay or
trans or
just doesn't like it.

If you hate your body too I suspect that the whole situation is a lot more complicated than your OP implies. You seem to think he's out of your league, and maybe that lack of confidence is contributing?

I don't think that sexual desire can be manufactured into existence just because you will it to though - if its always been like this its unlikely to change.

To me your OP sounds like you're setting yourself up for an affair.

I'm with SquashedFlyBiscuit and Jenemsky. I am also in a marriage that developed slowly from friendship, and I do think it's fundamentally different from other relationships I've had which started more physically. We are best friends and "partners in life" first and foremost. I still think it's awesome that I get to live with this wonderful person and see him every day. Sex is a really small part of it for us. We have a child with additional needs and life is tough, but we are a team and I'd be really angry (not to mention surprised) if he left over sex.

Maybe the difference is that we've decoupled the confidence issue from sex. We both make the other know how loved they are (hopefully!) in other ways. I do think sex will often flag or end in many relationships eventually, and if we all left because the sex wasn't good enough or often enough, divorce lawyers would be swamped with the elderly, couples where one has a long term illness etc etc. If you love living with him and love his company, maybe think about how else you can get the validation you need from him. I think counselling is a good idea.

@SirVixofVixHall I am thinking similar. He sounds like he is trying to do everything else right.
Also the working around his shifts will create a bigger gap, we work that way, we nearly have to schedule a much needed shag for closeness.

I don't know why people think it is such an out there idea that he is gay.

Because OP says he isn't.
Also because nobody tells the women who don't want sex with their husbands that they must be gay.
He clearly has hang ups and / or a low swex drive.
Very common in women, probably less common in men, but clearly possible.

Day People were ridiculing the idea before OP said he wasn't.

Do you think a see toy might help like a vibrator perhaps? Or at east you could use it yourself

sex toy!

He sounds like a really good friend you have a child with and live with.

Place marking for the number of female posters that immediately jump to the conclusion that if he doesn't have a high sex drive, he must be gay.
Reminds me of the boys in my youth who thought any girl who was not gagging for sex with them, was a lesbian or frigid.
Plus ça change!

Anyway, OP says he is not so

OP can't know for definite her DP isn't gay. He's unlikely to admit it to her. It is just one of a number of options s to why he is acting as he is.

I would also recommend therapy or counselling for them both to raise th issues they both have with their marriage.

That’s gutting Op.

I think by now it’s got to the point where you are unhappy you have no point but to sit him down and have a serious chat and tell him that this is affecting you now and something needs to change. If he is insecure and has deeper issues here he either needs to be honest or he needs to try at least to attempt to work on his self esteem so he can meet you in the middle here. Obviously don’t pressure him as that’s the last thing he needs. Sex works both ways and it’s a need in most relationships. I’d advise the same thing for you to at least make the effort and consider his needs if the roles were reversed and it was him who was affected by this.

It wasn’t going to change after so many years or after marriage. If he’s okay with once a month it’s unrealistic to think anything is going to change it now. You knew the deal, he sounds great, he’s just not up for frequent or adventurous shagging and a lot of people aren’t.