Have an amazing husband but a rubbish sex life.

[Foxton20]

Hi, posting for traffic.

I have an amazing husband/man that Iv been with for 6 years. We got married last year.

He’s a fab dad to our daughter and my two oldest. He works hard and provides everything without ever moaning. He earns a very good wage and supports us all. He does all the cooking, it’s hilarious, and I can honestly say my best friend. I absolutely love spending time with him and miss him when he’s at work. He works shift work so rarely here.

He is everything I could possibly want in a man, and what I hope my daughters would look up to.

The problem is we barely have sex or anything. Probably once/twice a month. I can’t remember the last time we had foreplay. It’s normally missionary in the dark.

He hasn’t got much confidence, won’t undress in front of me and hates me touching his belly etc. He’s rugby player built and I fancy the arse off him.

He says he thinks I’m pressuring him if I discuss sex. I’m the second person he’s slept with.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split my family up, the kids adore him and would never forgive me.
I adore him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But it’s got to the point I’m desperate for some attention. My confidence has never been so low. I want to feel wanted.

What was your sex life like before you got married? Has he always been this way? Some people don’t need sex/often maybe he has a low sex drive.

Does he give you attention in other ways?

Wow

Hes probably too knackered coz he's doing everything else

You need to find a way of talking to him which doesn’t feel pressured, but I know that’s hard. Mismatched sex drives can be a real problem in a relationship, and the only way couples can solve problems is by bringing them into the open and talking about them. Maybe say to him that it’s something you want to discuss and ask him to come up with a place and time, so he doesn’t feel ambushed. See if the issue is something he can and wants to work on (like self confidence or stress) or if it’s something more fundamental (like sex drive).

I think it is a combination of inexperience/shyness plus him being tired.

Having said that, it is essential that you make some progress as it is the glue that holds you together and you need to be happier

Have you tried telling him this and asking him if there's something wrong (assuming he hasn't always been like this?).

Find a time and place where sex would be totally impossible to have this discussion, so there's no pressure in the moment.

I'd say it is a mix of tiredness and confidence. Sex isn't easy for some people.

He’s definitely not gay.

Our sex life has always been crap tbh, but he’s amazing in other ways so I married him because I thought/think I can do without it.

We cuddle and kiss etc still, we snuggle when he’s home on the sofa.

I know physically I’m not his type. We were friends before we started dating and I used to try and find him a girlfriend. I’m nothing like his normal type.

If he can't communicate with you then he's not an amazing husband. Would he consider sex therapy?

Why did you think you'd be happy without sex or feeling desired? This is a big part of a relationship in my view, otherwise you may as well just be friends

I honestly think it’s abit of depression, tiredness and lack of confidence. I tell him most days I think he’s gorgeous and I’m definitely punching 😩😂

If he has only had one partner how are you not his type?

I'm sorry but if physically you are not his type, then the issues are more deep seated. Would you want to have sex with someone you are not physically attracted to?

Given what an exciting sex life can involve, why would you want to do such intimate things with someone you don't have the ache of attraction to?

I know he is a great husband but you have some deep thinking to do

Erm, the people I knew like this had hidden lives (yes, usually gay but sometimes quite fetty stuff). It was all compartmentalised.

As it is, he hasn't changed so if it wasn't a problem before, what has changed for you? Would he accept a more open marriage or prefer divorce? What would you want (lets just assume here that he isn't going to change). Can you settle for less/no sex?

Awh I feel sorry for him. He sounds like a lovely man.
Have a night of no sex just massage and touching, it might send him wild or prove he has no interest.
Sex therapist if it doesn't work.

I do nt think it’s helpful to suggest he’s gay.

I’m wondering if his sex drive will improve when his confidence improves. The best way to gain confidence is to Play sport or exercise.

In what way are you not his type? He surely sees something if he married you?

Mismatched sex drives will be a recipe for disaster if you know that you can't just accept it, and nor should you. His needs don't trump yours.

What about sex therapy? This needs to be a 2 way thing.

@uncreativeusername
Going out in a limb. He's gay

Do you suggest OP offers anal to test your theory? (Joking, btw)

He sounds like he has a low sex drive and body issues. Counselling might help.

Do you initiate? It it might be he needs you to push the door open.

And I suggest posting this into the sex topic too - they'll give you more ideas.

I know physically I’m not his type.

And yet he chose to be with you and raise a family. Sounds like you both have confidence issues.

We're in this position. Its all v well people saying they couldnt live without sex/end it etc but if they're not in a position of having built a life and family with someone then they really dont see the difficult choice.

Ive decided that every relationship has its downfalls and that Id rather keep this one and accept that theres a bit missing than start again. I love my husband and our family and accept this is the position Im in. Of course if I had to live my life again I'd choose differently but thats true of so many things career etc.

Not to say everyone should stay! I would advise anyone else not to prekids etc but Im trying not to base my self worth on this and see a different type of relationship. It is really hard. Younsee other relatuonships where sex is great but other things arent though, few people have a perfect match and its unlikely if I started looking again Id find that, especially as one thing I hugely value is that shared history with the children. Its hard.

I just think he has a low sex drive. He didn’t lose his virginity until 22,

The never bothering with foreplay doesn’t suggest that it’s all down to body confidence issues. It does strongly suggest that he isn’t bothered about your enjoyment of sex.

(I did wonder if mine was gay for ages... he really isnt. He just isnt wired for sex in the way popular culture assumes men are. And from the threads on here its not unusual in that its a small minority yes but there are posts with some regularity suggesting many people find this.)

The foreplay thing is because he doesn’t want me to see him naked, it’s like he’s embarrassed of his manhood