Have an amazing husband but a rubbish sex life.

[Foxton20]

Hi, posting for traffic.

I have an amazing husband/man that Iv been with for 6 years. We got married last year.

He’s a fab dad to our daughter and my two oldest. He works hard and provides everything without ever moaning. He earns a very good wage and supports us all. He does all the cooking, it’s hilarious, and I can honestly say my best friend. I absolutely love spending time with him and miss him when he’s at work. He works shift work so rarely here.

He is everything I could possibly want in a man, and what I hope my daughters would look up to.

The problem is we barely have sex or anything. Probably once/twice a month. I can’t remember the last time we had foreplay. It’s normally missionary in the dark.

He hasn’t got much confidence, won’t undress in front of me and hates me touching his belly etc. He’s rugby player built and I fancy the arse off him.

He says he thinks I’m pressuring him if I discuss sex. I’m the second person he’s slept with.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to split my family up, the kids adore him and would never forgive me.
I adore him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. But it’s got to the point I’m desperate for some attention. My confidence has never been so low. I want to feel wanted.

Just a question, If he is never there working his arse off and does all the cooking and supports 2 children that are not his - what do you do ?

I work between his shift work. Only recently started because he wanted to be able to spend tome with the kids

It's very daft to suggest immediately that he must be gay 🙄
My oh and I have mismatched sex drives. It's caused problems in the past for us too. Honestly the only way to deal with this is to be clear and open in communication with him about it. Do it at a time when sex hasn't been attempted/mentioned so it doesn't feel like an attack. And just be honest with him, ask him if he's not particularly interested in sex or if he's unconfident with his body/sexual ability or if he isn't attracted to you. You may find it's something that you can work on as a couple. Or sex therapy might be needed.

Fox, can I ask what you mean when you say you’re not his type?

Also, when you say he’s embarrassed about his “manhood”, do you mean his penis? Or is he overweight or something else?

What is his relationship with his parents like? Was he raised to think bodies should be covered all the time and sex is a taboo subject to talk about? Maybe his issues are much more ingrained from childhood.

I was in the same situation as you, my ex was my best friend/great husband but never initiated sex ever! I was married 15 years but ended up divorced. Over time the lack of intimacy & lack of desire for me eroded at my confidence & I felt sort of dead inside I guess. When I did meet someone else who I fell in love with & he totally fancied me & we couldn't keep our hands off each other it was a revelation. I realised what I had been missing, it was quite upsetting once I saw how it should be etc. I
Would definitely try couples sex therapy plus get his testosterone checked. Hope it works out for you, it's heartbreaking it really is when everything else is perfect.

Why do you think you aren’t his type that bit is key

And stop thinking you are punching you arent

Were things different at the start of your relationship?
Was he more relaxed then?

What do you mean your not his type. To be honest I find the idea of having a type odd. Especially as you've been married for several years, surely that makes you his type?

Also how do you know what his type is? Is he telling you what he finds attractive in others?

I second the getting his testerone checked it can massively affect sex drive.

What was his childhood like? Do you know anything about his parents' relationship? Is there any chance he was abused, as it might make him ashamed about his body?

If a woman posted saying she was raising three kids, and working fulltime shifts and only felt like having sex once a month would you tell her she's likely a lesbian? It's really odd how so many people think if a man isn't gagging for it everday he must be gay. Newsflash, like some women some men have a lower sex drive than others.

That being said OP, I agree with the advice that you should have a heart to heart with him and essentially tell him what you've written here. He may think you're content with how things are unless you've let him know it's an issue for you. It does sounds like you'd both benefit from some counselling to explore confidence issues and to get things back on track a little.

Find a relationship counsellor who does sex therapy. It just comes down to healthy communication with either person feeling attacked. Having a healthy sex life in a relationship is important. Good luck

Why would he marry you if you weren't his type? I honestly thought gay too. It would make sense. Relationship perfect, best friends apart from the sex which he struggles with.

If he's so caring, loving, generous etc he should want to make the time to sit down and talk through what is clearly bothering you a lot - and work on a solution. He wouldn't brush it off or get annoyed.

This kind of issue in relationships is serious and one of you will end up cheating so it needs focusing on the next time you can.

I stopped reading at makes all the dinners, supports the whole family including kids not biologically his from the sound of it and is a man your daughters can look up to as an ideal role model. If it were me i wouldn’t care if his penis was chopped off and his only sexual interest was looking at unicorn fantasy porn in his spare 5mins per day.

What a load of crap to suggest he is gay just because he doesnt want to have sex every day. I am in my 50s not a lesbian, not depressed or shy, i just didnt have a high sex drive when i was younger and still dont. My Dh is a very good lover but i wouldn't be bothered if i never had sex again.
O.P your DH is a shift worker( which is tiring) as you say he is hardly at home and when he is at home he does all the cooking, finds time to be a great Dad ans sit on the sofa and cuddle you. Where does he have a moment to himself never mind find the time for sex ? Maybe you need to stop, think and coint your blessings

It's really odd how so many people think if a man isn't gagging for it everday he must be gay.

It's way more than that though. He won't undress in front of her. It has to be in the dark and missionary. Least contact possible. No foreplay. Won't discuss it.

I honestly think if a woman made all those rules people on here would be rushing to tell her how she needs to work on these issues or she'll lose her man.

hoppingpavlova That's a bit patronising.

He doesn’t have a relationship with his family really. Not close to them.

I think I need to sit down and tell him I love him, I don’t want to pressure him.

I’m not his type looks wise. I’m abit alternative and his “type” (I mean what I know he likes 🙈) are more like maddie moate, or someone who looks like they have stepped from a Boden or joules catalogue. 😂

Maybe not gay but he could have a low sex drive or be asexual/demisexual?

He’s not overweight really, more like a rugby player, really broad and tall.

He has a normal sized manhood 😂

My apologies if this is upsetting (and way off) but could he have been abused as a child?
Doesn't like his body, lacks esteem, sex in the dark, no relationship with family. Could be (but not necessarily) be indicators.

He doesn’t have a relationship with his family really. Not close to them.

This will probably be the key, @Foxton20.

I have a similar problem, except its me who isn't interested in sex. I'd much rather have the company and friendship to be honest.

It is probably nothing more complex than low sex drive. Viagra can help (won’t work if he doesn’t fancy you) and he can do other things with his hands etc if you’d find that satisfying?

One thing for certain - he doesn’t deserve you cheating on him, so you either need to resolve this to both your satisfaction or you need to move on.