He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

[Mouseandmoose]

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

He doesn't want a 3rd child, his suggestion of a job is to get you off that.

How is he an engineer for a big company? That requires a 3 year degree at least so if he finished school at 17/18 this means he’s only been working a year? How did you survive money wise before that if you have two children already? It doesn’t make sense.

And you can’t just log into his account and transfer yourself money. You have to ask his permission and confirm the amount.

Are you going to stop trying to conceive until you know where you stand? If not I expect to see you on this thread in a year or so with 3 kids and a financially abusive husband. Why are you doing this to yourself? Have you no self esteem?

He's allowed to change his mind. Like you could change your mind and offer to get a job. How long were you expecting not to work or pay any tax?

YABU in my opinion. Being a SAHM has to be a decision that both partners are completely happy with. If one isn't happy for any reason then tough, it can't happen.
You say you want to be with your kids because they are only young once. What if your husband decided he would like to be with his kids and become a SAHD, and you should go out to work full time? Yes he is a higher earner, but he didn't get in that position through luck - you've said he had a tough upbringing and to make it to his current position of being a high earner at 22 he must have worked incredibly hard. Yes you work hard at home too, but plenty of mums do what you do and work full time too.

For you to say you want to stay at home for another 4 years, by which time you'd have been out of the workplace for so long you'd probably never have a decent career, must be galling for him.

I can't believe all those people suggesting going straight to divorce and child support are serious. Quick tip: if you don't want to be financially dependent on a man, develop your own career and be financially independent. If that means delaying kids until you've got some qualifications and work experience, so be it. If you want to drop out of education and have 2 kids with someone by 22, then it was your own decision to be financially dependent on them

Gosh, why all the abuse? She’s asking for advice and support and you’re shredding every aspect of her life and calling her a liar?

You are 22! No 22 year old should be living like this unless they're below the poverty line. My 17 year old has more financial freedom than you.

Please consider going back to uni. It's not normal to have no money, no friends and be totally reliant on one person for everything.

YABU in my opinion. Being a SAHM has to be a decision that both partners are completely happy with.

Did you read the OP, or even the title? He was happy with it, until OP request money early to do a food shop. You can't just one minute say, yes I want you to be a sahm, pop out 2 kids and then while trying for the third demand the sahp go and find a job.

Yes, you can. Consent implies the ability to change your mind.

OP, where are your parents, sisters, brothers, grandparents? Could they help?

You can go onto the Company’s house web page and search for his name and/or company name to see his last filed accounts which will tell you how his company is performing etc..

Tiredmom10 He's the fucking father of the children she didn't make "Poor decisions" independent of her asshole husband! You made a poor choice posting your drivel!

@Aspoonfullofjam because he started it doing an apprenticeship at 16, worked his way, up did college while he worked and because of his experience and how well he does at the job hes worked his way up.

Does HE know you are trying to conceive ? sounds like a resounding NO ... 🤔

@BumbleBeee69

It was her husband’s idea - RTFT before making snippy
Comments !

Why do you want to be a SAHM, if you have to rely on scraps from him and you never have make up or clothes for yourself.Why do you want that for yourself.

Totally agree. That’s not a way to live. I actually think working/not working should be a joint decision, but he sounds like a bit of an arse and absolutely would not be trying to have another one with him!

It was her husband’s idea - RTFT before making snippy
Comments

So OP says... but he's asking her to get a job .. sounds more like lots of cross communication to me...

No it doesn’t

Yes, you can. Consent implies the ability to change your mind.

Well you can't change your mind about having children, once you have them. Why doesn't he want to pay for any childcare for his own children?

OP this is a massive thing to spring on you, over the phone as well! It needs a proper face to face discussion.

Why does he think childcare costs are solely your responsibility when the kids are half his and he earns a lot more so if bills were split proportionately he would pay the majority?

Why does he think he can work whenever he wants and keep all the proceeds but you have to work around childcare and pay for it all

Why does he think he can drop such a massive bombshell about changing your life plans on you, and that you have to change but he doesnt (doesnt plan on dropping his hours or changing things up to help with pick ups drop offs or sick days etc)

Why does he want to put them in nursery, conceive another baby, and then presumably pull them out of nursery when they're settled (because if you're paying for nursery you'll have to stop that when you're on maternity as you wont be able to afford it).

This whole thing is bizarre and it would have me questioning everything

What does he do with all the spending money he has left each month ?

He is the one who wants a third child. He is also now saying the OP should get a job.

The mixed messages are deliberate. It's gaslighting. Keeping her tied down and busy with kids and wifework, while also guilt tripping her about her not contributing financially, making sure she's far too scared and anxious to assert her right to an equal share of family money. It's all about control.

So OP says... but he's asking her to get a job .. sounds more like lots of cross communication to me

I’m not sure how much cross communication can be involved with “let us have unprotected sex in order to create another child”! Maybe he’s just a bellend who has decided to change the goalposts because OP dared to ask to vary a financial payment by a day. Undoubtedly, and unfortunately, these men exist.

@ReceptacleForTheRespectable

Put very well

(I don't think he actually wants her to get a job btw - he just wants to make sure she believes she's a burden to him, so she's apologetic and undemanding.)

@Mouseandmoose are you going to stop trying to conceive?