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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

377 replies

Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 17:09

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 10/03/2020 19:52

In your situation I would get a job so I could be a little financially independent.

SecondaryBurnzzz · 10/03/2020 19:53

Oh dear, I have just read more of the thread (and seen your ages), please yes think of your future as I said and do it quickly!

TealWater · 10/03/2020 19:55

If you're not 'confident' enough to ask for household money from your own husband, something is very, very wrong and you shouldn't be married or together at all. I also am not a confident woman, I have social anxiety, I hate small talk, I hate anything where I have to explain myself at length.

That is with acquaintances, strangers etc.

My HUSBAND is completely different. If cannot relax around your own husband, if you are not comfortable getting money off your own husband for housekeeping, then you don't have a relationship at all. Believe me, I am the shyest, most socially awkward and timid person in real life, but your husband is your FAMILY and the one person you should be able to ask anything of and say anything too. You are talking like as if you and your husband are strangers and you are too embarrassed to talk to him. Something is very seriously wrong. Most families I know, going back to my parents, my grandparents, my friends, work acquaintances, and us - usually the wife is the one who handles the finances. Especially the SAHMs. It's part of their daily routine, as they are the ones who have to do all the grocery shopping etc. So I'm not sure why you don't have, at the least, 50% say and access to finances.

SybilRights · 10/03/2020 19:57

Even supposing you stay with your Dh, you are completely financially dependent on him. He controls all money. You need to seriously think about how you can share the finances, and have some financial independence. You have no friends, you move for him, you don't have any adult conversation. You are aiming to have 3 children under 3 by the age of 23. Can you not see how dangerous this is? And if you don't care for yourself (??? why not - do you not want any independence, do you have no interests or aspirations at all beyond your children, do you like being so controlled?) what are you teaching your children about relationships?

But you also need to think about the very real possibility that you will not stay married to him. Most marriages fail, and actually, you are pretty high risk I'd say! Together since 13, isolated, financially controlling H. You are absolutely stuffed if you split. You have nothing. You really need to start getting real and thinking.

Original poster
Mouseandmoose · 10/03/2020 20:01

@brighterdays2 he's an engineer for a big company

OP posts:
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/03/2020 20:03

So, he wants you to get a job now, but expects you to pop out another baby ASAP, pay for all the childcare yourself. Also what happens when you have to move for his work, you just have to find another job? I would imagine that would mean the children being uprooted from whatever childcare they are in aswell?

shinyredbus · 10/03/2020 20:04

so he's financially abusing you? To the point where you own two bras and this guy is a high earner?we're talking in six figures earnings? And you live nowhere near friends or family - so basically he's isolated you? And now he wants you to have a third child?

I would be looking for an annulment unless there is something youre not telling us.

Tellmetruth4 · 10/03/2020 20:05

I’m still interested in what OP classifies as ‘high earner’ if the DH is only 22? Seeing as her expectations of life appear skewed in other areas I’m betting she’s talking about under £50k gross but contractors don’t get sick pay, holiday pay, pension, have to set aside tax etc so I can’t see how the money will stretch to support 5 people? Contracting is also risky. He’s probably realised all of this and is panicking.

I also don’t understand the desire to rush through life as fast as you can? Serious relationship at 13? Married by 22? 3 kids by 22. Why the haste? You say DH had a poor upbringing but OP I’d put money down that you also didn’t have the best start to think this is the way you want to live the rest of your life?

ISpeakJive · 10/03/2020 20:12

Your relationship isn't great. Don't bring another child into this controlling relationship!
If this marriage should fall apart, you'll end up in a very vulnerable position with 3 kids!!

Stop having babies!

KaptenKrusty · 10/03/2020 20:13

Oh god this makes me sad! What is the big rush for more children at 22? University life has been taken from you, you’ve settled very young together - did you do anything fun together before kids and marriage? Travel a bit? Have a bit of carefree time??

It all seems so quick! You could wait 10 more years to have another child!

It’s not too late to start again and I hope you do x

AnneOfCloves · 10/03/2020 20:15

OP, you aren't in the relationship you thin you are.

HillAreas · 10/03/2020 20:16

He’s a willy waving arsehole, OP, if he thinks he’s the big man of the house providing for his family and chucking his wife the odd tenner and presumably a unicorn sticker in her workbook for being a good girl.
No. This is not how a real man treats his wife.
Neither of you are unreasonable per se. You for not wanting to work yet and him for now wanting you to work. What’s unreasonable is the financial control he has over you and the expectation that you will just walk into a job that magically covers all the childcare costs, works around pick ups drop offs, and you will still do all the childcare, housework and mental load even when working, plus expecting you to produce his third child. While he does what exactly? He won’t be able to strut about all pleaded with himself for “providing for his family” will he? No, he will have more than doubled your workloads and logistical headaches, reduced everyone’s quality of life and for for very little financial gain. What an idiot.
If he’s serious, how about you forget the third child and look at returning to college and gaining qualifications?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/03/2020 20:17

I’m still interested in what OP classifies as ‘high earner’ if the DH is only 22?

I would be interested in that too.

adriennewillfly · 10/03/2020 20:17

If he earns over 100k, you don't get tax-free childcare, and you don't get 30hrs free childcare.

Darlingsleepthief · 10/03/2020 20:18

You still get 15 hours free

expat101 · 10/03/2020 20:19

Righto so ''his'' business is a Limited Company which I assume means that ''his'' account actually isn't his, but the Company.

That being the case, then his Accountant should have him taking regular wages from the Ltd Company and those funds being put into a personal account, from which you use for shopping and the like.

I assume you are not a Director of this Limited Company either? Sometimes done for asset protection but I also assume as he is an Engineer, it covers his backside should the Company be sued for any liability issues.

If I have correctly assumed ''his'' account is the Company one, then this is your lead into conversation how your financial affairs need to be re-structured (if you feel you need an excuse at all).

If on the other hand the company account has a vast amount of funds available, and he isn't drawing it down as wages (and accounts are all up to date) then you need to consider he is minimising his income for child support purposes. Trying to put you back to work and earning an income (at least where I live) can reduce the amount he will be required to pay....

Maybe I am overly suspicious, but is there something else going on?

BecauseReasons · 10/03/2020 20:22

I'd ask him why on Earth he thinks you'd be paying for the childcare? Are they not his children too?

ErickBroch · 10/03/2020 20:22

22! What! JFC I would get a weekend job Sat and Sun when he is home, leave the kids with him and see how much he loves it. Also, stop trying for another baby for the time being.

Namelesswonder · 10/03/2020 20:24

The bottom has just dropped out of the contracting market due to a combination of Brexit and IR35. I know loads of contractors who generally have their pick of jobs now really struggling to find work. Could that be a reason for this?

Wallywobbles · 10/03/2020 20:24

Si what's your long term plan. Surely you have ambitions beyond just being someone's mum. Think about the long term. Your life's barely started.

Livelovebehappy · 10/03/2020 20:26

If he wants you to get a job, and you’re happy with that, agree but be adamant that both your wages go into one pot to pay bills and childcare and any left over is for you both. It will be difficult to combine full time work and looking after DCs. I know many people do it, but it sounds like your DH isn’t going to contribute towards helping out much with house work, so you may be best to look for part time but both your incomes should be shared equally between you.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 10/03/2020 20:30

So do you both have equally the same amount of cash each month to spend on yourselves? I guess not! What does he do with his spare cash?

And why do you have to pay for the childcare if you work? Why can't he, he earns more than you and they are his kids too

brighterdays2 · 10/03/2020 20:32

OP, you're 22, you could easily have a career, do a distance-learning uni course, etc.

VodselForDinner · 10/03/2020 20:33

Sound likes you’re both using each other.

Don’t think you’ll make it to the one month mark at this rate.

MauriceandAlec · 10/03/2020 20:36

If we want equality as women we can't just expect someone else to give us money whilst not working for it!

And similarly, a parent can't just expect the other to do all the parenting, childcare, domestic tasks and lifework because they are in paid employment or do this work away unfettered as they expect the other person to do 100% of everything else.