He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

[Mouseandmoose]

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

If you take anything from this thread, anything at all, I hope it is that you start using contraception while you review your situation and your options, and decide what you want for your life.

He is also 22, so not unusual for him to have had a rather unrealistic idea of what being a dad, breadwinner would be like.
It seems like a good opportunity to get some independent advice/counselling. You are both very young for this level of responsibility and without support from your families. You will need to work out what works for both of you for the rest of your married lives.

What do you think about all the suggestions on here then @Mouseandmoose?

You would be mad to keep TTC with this man at the moment - and you've got plenty of time for that anyway.

Neither of you have had another relationship so perhaps don't know what an awful set up this is - it's not normal. He shouldn't want you to be struggling or asking for money. That's not right.

And get going to some groups/classes etc locally and meet some other mums, you need more adult company than just him.

The mixed messages are deliberate. It's gaslighting. Keeping her tied down and busy with kids and wifework, while also guilt tripping her about her not contributing financially, making sure she's far too scared and anxious to assert her right to an equal share of family money. It's all about control.

This is exactly what's going on.

Op your H is a dick and you have intentionally put yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Although I think your H is a dick, I think you view having babies as having a job, it isn’t. Having only two bra’s is not an achievement.

Be honest with yourself, has becoming a mother been an excuse to hide from independence. There are all kinds of alarm bells ringing with regards to your set up.

This is what can happen when you surrender so much power to a partner, you are subject to their whims. His ‘suggestion’ has exposed the tremendous inequality in your relationship.

The longer you wait in getting qualifications and acquiring skills the harder you are making it for yourself. Haven’t a third child only isolates you further.

OP is he self employed? Like a type of contractor? The change is tax law (IR35) is causing this very conversion across the freelance sector.

This thread is going nowhere - OP won’t answer any substantive questions and just drip feeds nonsense.

OP - however old you are or however much he earns, you need to get yourself sorted out.

Is it about income or for you to be involved and productive outside of family life?

So he is a high earning engineer at a big company who is actually a contractor who picks up jobs easily because he has a niche skill. Not one which requires him to have gone to university then, since he is all of .... 22. He must have been working to pick up these oh so rare skills since he was .... 13.

I think you will have a good run at becoming a high earning brain surgeon over the next 2 years.

If he's a contractor I would think his quick change is due to the contract sector being effectively closed down by the government. A lot of the big company's are banning contractors due to ir35, I'm at a client currently and it's all any of the other contractors talk about, a lot are very worried as it's a 30% + drop in income. The government want contractors to be employed for tax purposes only e.g no rights or expenses but taxed as paye.

If my husband said that to me after we'd agreed for me to be a SAHM for a few years, I'd assume he's wanting me to become independent of him so he feels less guilty leaving me.

There's more to life than constantly churning out children...what exactly will you be teaching them - having never had a job, education or learnt to be independent?
You don't even have the self-confidence to insist on being treated like an equal in this 'partnership'.

Two DC is more than enough.
Perhaps you should think about getting trained/education so you can start earning once the youngest is in school too.....

Bear in mind he’s only 22 as well.

My brother is 22. He’s an idiot. A child, really. He won’t always be an idiot. Probably.

Jesus christ. At 22 and 2 kids, you wont have ever had a job for very long.

Why on earth are you damaging your personal future so much.

I am not an engineer. But I have worked with engineers my whole career. A 22 year old who is a high earner, with no degree is very rare indeed.

In fact my uncle has just retired. Worked his way up the company to the top. My daughter wants to follow in his footsteps. Trying to work out why he says you wont get anywhere without a degree anymore, if that's not the case 🤷‍♀️

This

• So he is a high earning engineer at a big company who is actually a contractor who picks up jobs easily because he has a niche skill. Not one which requires him to have gone to university then, since he is all of .... 22. He must have been working to pick up these oh so rare skills since he was .... 13. hmm

I think you will have a good run at becoming a high earning brain surgeon over the next 2 years.*

It’s almost unbelievable OP.

Anyway, you aren’t in a good position. He is a cock. My advice is divorce but I doubt you’ll do that

So he tells you to have a third child and you and just do what he says? Where is your own brain and thinking ability.
You are young, didn't bother to go back to complete your studies, popped out child after child and want to be a sahm.
Why are you even thinking of bringing another child into this sorry situation?
He may be an idiot but that doesnt make you any far off from him with the bad choices you made.
you are incredibly immature as well.
get a job before you bring another child into this.

This is a wind up.

Wow! There is SO much wrong here I hardly know where to begin...except I do

STOP TTC.

Possible reasons he’s raised this now:

He doesn’t want dc3

His employers or he personally is in trouble work wise and he may be losing his job soon. Is his industry suffering in this economy? Is he likely to be fired?

He’s intending to leave you and soon

He could be worried he is looking at being the sole provider for a family of 5! That’s a lot of pressure and a lot of responsibility in an uncertain world.

“I wonder whether he's got someone else who is putting ideas in his mind. It's very common for a man to be hostile towards his wife when he meets someone new” yep

It very much sounds like financial abuse to me!

Good you’re married, you can go for half his fucking assets.

This is a total myth. It's in no way guaranteed that either party gets half of the other's assets in divorce. This is why it's very important for both to maintain as much financial independence and employability as possible.

True especially with a short marriage!

Umm, that could well be why he is now asking you to work: he feels he can change the goal posts because he now has you under contract. also true. Abuse steps up when abusers feel you’re more dependent on them.

“He is generally a great guy, a living dad and partner” how EXACTLY is that true? Decent husbands and fathers don’t make the mother of their children have to beg for money for basic necessities! They don’t abuse them in ANY WAY! They don’t move the goalposts without proper and full discussion.

And as he’s the only man you’ve had a relationship with how would you even know?

What does he do the 4 days he’s home?

I’m pretty sure living together prior to marriage counts during a divorce. nope

I've never heard of anyone having to ask their partner for money before it’s sadly very common I know too many cases in real life and there are constantly threads on here like this

“because I can just log myself in to his account and send money to mine” what would he do/say if you did this without telling him? Especially a larger than usual amount?

Oh fuck! And he’s self employed too? Meaning you’ve precious little chance of getting cm out of him!

You really need to do all you can to get a decent paying job ASAP this is a disaster in the making!

If you’re moving around following his work how come he’s away 4 days working?

An engineer in a niche area at 22? Not actually possible! Not in the Uk at least. I’ve worked in that industry and it simply can’t be true unless he was some prodigy who was a very early undergrad! Either he’s lying to op or...

because he started it doing an apprenticeship at 16, worked his way, up did college while he worked and because of his experience and how well he does at the job hes worked his way up. he may be calling himself an engineer but if this is genuine he’s sounding more and more Walter Mitty like

Being a properly qualified engineer requires a MINIMUM undergrad degree, the vast majority have several post grad qualifications too. My job used to involve verifying qualifications and references.

IF this thread is genuine PLEASE op contact woman’s aid or similar ASAP. As you’re being financially and emotionally abused.

You need to have a face to face discussion when he gets home.
This needs to get sorted & cleared up one way or another before any further attempts at baby no.3 happen.
You need to get to the bottom of why he told you to get a job.
If he has a "good reason" for wanting to change what you've previously agreed on, then there needs to be clear ground rules about sharing childcare costs and domestic contributions etc.
You did need to relax your money mindset too. It's not just "his" money, it's money earnt for the family unit.
There is a difference between keeping him in the loop about spending (even asking/consulting on big purchases) to a veiled asking his permission to spend money.
Unless you are a reckless spender, he should trust that you are spending money appropriately and within means/budget.
The longer you stay in habit of asking permission, the more he will accept it as norm and you'll be frog in boiling water.

Threads like this are exactly the reason it is ok to ask on other threads ‘why did you keep having children with him?’? despite the chorus of ‘what a pointless question, she can’t send them back!’ you get from an army of MNetters.
This is clearly a shocking situation in which to have another child, OP has swiftly avoided any and all posters who have said to stop trying to TTC, which I presume means she’ll keep trying. She may have had two children before he showed his true colours but he’s certainly showing them now.
OP, you are very very vulnerable. You need to get on some bulletproof contraception and putting plans in place for your own independence, whether it be work or study.
If you continue to TTC - on your head be what comes next (likely you raising three children in your own and on a pittance as your partner, owning the business, will be adept at hiding all his money and you’ll be lucky to see a cent of child support).

“he may be calling himself an engineer but if this is genuine he’s sounding more and more Walter Mitty like”

There are industries where it’s absolutely normal to refer to people as engineers who have qualifications much lower than a degree... refrigeration and air conditioning for example.

Not construction though! And the way op is describing things it sounds like he's claiming to be a fully qualified civil engineer to her at least to op.

It's vanishingly rare now for someone to be accepted as such without at least an undergrad degree.

refrigeration and air conditioning for example.

They are higher earners at 22, by doing contract work for another company. Not as a sole trader.

@Mayaaaaa

What is a high earner to you?

If he's only working for one contractor and invoicing them through his own Ltd company he may be in for a shock in April - if the contractor is on the ball with IR35.