He's changed his mind after agreeing. Aibu?

[Mouseandmoose]

This might be long as I don't want to drip feed.
Me and DH have two DC, ages 2 &1. Neither in nursery.
We plan on putting our eldest in nursery when he's 3 (end of may).
Same with DD, put her in nursery at age of 3.

Dh works away 4 days a week and is back 4 days. He earns good money, enough to pay all bills and have plenty of spending money by the end of the month.

I don't work, we decided I wouldn't from the offset, we've talked about it MULTIPLE times about how I don't need to really work and how we don't want to put them in nursery young as they're only small once.
We always said I'd go to work when we're finished having children and they're all in primary school.
He always talks about how he takes pride in how he can look after us all.

He works a really skilled job and me on the other hand only studied a year in college for a job I'd have no real chance of getting a job in. ( Fell pregnant as I got into uni and decided not to go through with uni)
We receive no benefits either as he's a high earner.

I never ask for money unless it for the kids, he buys me the odd things without me asking like trainers or gives me the odd £10 for makeup as he knows I'm uncomfortable spending his money, to give you an idea, I only own 2 bras because I don't like asking for money.

Today he was like "I think you should find a job"... I wouldn't even earn enough to cover any child care? I know i get 30 hours free when my eldest is 3 but there's still my youngest? Even at part time it still wouldn't make much sense.

Aibu?

*up, not UK

Lots of my relatives were treated better than this in the dark ages of the 50s OP.

This isn't right.

Why are you having another baby. Could he want you to get a job because he is planning to leave you?

Would you want this feeling, for any of your dc, when they are grown up?
Are you showing them how to strong, self assured or competent?

FFS.

You have been together since you were children. What age are you both now?

@LovingLola we're both 22

You've been together since you were 9?!?

How high an earner is he at only 22 years old?!

If you only had 40 pounds left after childcare what do you have to gain? Your original plan sounded great. What does he have to gain for suggesting this?? He is being very U

I would stop TTC. I’d get back to college or training and then get employment.
Decide in a few year if you want another child.

Really intrigued by what your DH's job is, considering he's 22.

They've been together since they were 13, the OP said that.

You are 22. You have been together since you were 13.
All this is going to to go horribly wrong

Really intrigued by what your DH's job is, considering he's 22

Same!

Somethings changed with him OP. There’s a reason why he’s now suddenly uncomfortable with your total financial dependency on him. Sorry, but I’m wondering if he’s having an affair?

I think there is problems with cash flow in the company and he doesn’t want to tell you.

I would say you really need to sit down and have a open discussion with him and be honest!
You have said you have a happy marriage and have been together a long time, you need to be open with him about how you feel.

I have been with my DH since we were teenagers, we have 3 DCs (all at primary) I have a job that I can work around the kids so no childcare to pay.
When the DC were babies, I didn't work, I have never ever had to explain to my DH why I needed money, he would never ask me, not that he just handed over endless amounts, but he knew I needed a food shop/stuff for the kids/birthdays/Christmas. He trusts me that I am not just wasting money on pointless stuff. I would say, if I needed/wanted new clothes, again he wouldn't question me on it.

Do you think it's the case your DH thinks you would waste money if he wasn't keeping tabs on it?

I actually don't think it's right in this day can age to not work when kids are at school/have free childcare.

If we want equality as women we can't just expect someone else to give us money whilst not working for it!

It should be about both trying to provide financially for our families in whatever way possible.

RainMinusBow but that means men need to step up regarding childcare, parenting and chores as well 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Leave. He'd have to give you child support and I suspect he's cheating which is why the change. He's also financially abusive. And a wanker.

I don’t like the sound of this OP.The fact that he’s just come out with this now, after marrying you three weeks ago is ringing alarm bells for me. The fact that you have to ask him for permission to do the food shop is bad enough, but this latest development makes me fearful for your future. he’s got you married now, trapped, and the timing of this suggests he realises this.

I got married young OP. I understand your starry eyed naivety, but I’ve a horrible feeling you’re going to suddenly wake up in 10 years and realise you’re in a terribly unhappy, probably abusive if I’m honest, situation.

Please stop TTC. You are 22, you have two DC, that’s enough for now at least. Get yourself onto a course or into a job, because I fear if you don’t that wake up in 10 years time is going to be incredibly hard otherwise. Protect yourself OP, you have a lot of years to live yet, and your starry eyed naivety won’t last.

@CheshireChat I couldn't agree more. No reason why men can't do those things, just as no reason why women can't be in paid employment.

I don’t understand why you are renting if he’s a high earning contractor who works away 4 days a week. Surely if he works away anyway, you can have a stable home? Do you actually know how much he earns? Not all contractors earn that well and by the time they’ve paid tax, put aside for rainy days, it may not leave that much.

Sounds like he’s not actually doing that well but wants the wife at home and brood of kids to play the big man.

He sounds like he has proper issues and you also have very low expectations if you think being tied to the home with 3 under 3, no work experience, 2 bras and the odd tenner sounds like a life.

You’re best off stopping TTC, getting some qualifications and looking for work asap as this relationship sounds fucked and you know no better because you’ve been with him since you were 13. He probably knows no better either.

Genuinely baffled as to why you would put up with this.

So, I am going to take your post at face value, and believe that your DH is a good bloke. What are your career goals? What do you want to do. What is your route into doing it? Can you see a careers councillor. Being a SAHM is all well and good, but I assume you want a life for yourself outside of the house? Lots of universities offer on-line courses, so you don't have to 'go' to college if you don't want to. Probably a good idea if you need to move around with your DH's work. Get a plan together. Tell DH that you have a career plan, but it doesn't make sense at the moment as you won't earn enough to cover the childcare costs. You can use this time to study part-time and remotely, and when your children start at school you can look for a well paid job - maybe computer programming?
You are an adult, and his partner, so I think it's perfectly reasonable to discus this in a businesslike way sensible way. You'll need work clothes, transport etc.
Start thinking of this as your way to get a great and exciting future for yourself.