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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH a lie so he helps me quit drinking

142 replies

ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:25

DH will not support me in stopping drinking. I drink 42 units a week and need to stop.

I have a blood test this afternoon. AIBU to tell DH I have impaired liver function or something similar so he stops encouraging me to drink?

OP posts:
Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:26

Just to add I have also been referred to addictions service and talk therapy.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 09/03/2020 11:27

Why will he not support you? Is he a drinker too?

Sulkypatsy · 09/03/2020 11:28

No, that's awful! There's no need add lies and manipulation to an already difficult situation, does he also have a problem with drink? Why doesn't he want to help. Also as important as support is, you are the driving force behind your own change. Of he can't help you, it's sad but you don't need him. Addiction is very difficult to overcome but can be done, you can do it.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/03/2020 11:29

No I would not lie to him. You need to talk to him and explain how much you need his support. In what way does he not suppport you? Break it down and ask for change, For some extra help go on the Annie Grace "The Alcohol Experiment" and her book This Naked Mind. Massive support. People go 30 days of super suport with no judgement or expectation

adaline · 09/03/2020 11:29

Please don't lie to him.

Why won't he support you?

Splitsunrise · 09/03/2020 11:30

Why the fuck won’t he support you?? Sounds like it’s more than the alcohol you need to get rid of.

WatcherintheRye · 09/03/2020 11:31

Sad to say, op, but a 42 units a week, you probably won't be lying. Good luck and I hope you get the support you need Flowers

twoshedsjackson · 09/03/2020 11:31

I can see your reasoning, but how would he feel when the truth came out? Sooner or later, it will!
It sounds as if he has the same, or a similar problem, and could be feeling under pressure because you are facing up to the issues, while he is not.
Good luck, and keep trying!

katy1213 · 09/03/2020 11:32

Is he the reason you drink in the first place?

HavelockVetinari · 09/03/2020 11:32

Why won't he support you? Does he drink to excess too?

tiredanddangerous · 09/03/2020 11:33

I take it he has a drink problem?

Illberidingshotgun · 09/03/2020 11:34

Well done on going to the GP and seeking help.

Lying is never a good idea, and at some point will backfire. You have make a fantastic decision to stop drinking, and your physical health, your mental health and your life in general are going to be so much better. I suspect that he won't support you because he also has an issue with alcohol, that he doesn't wish to address.

There is masses of support out there, for example groups on FB such as Dry January and Beyond. Read all the "quit lit" you can. Do it despite him. He may see the change in you and decide to take the same route.

I would be questioning why you want to be with someone who is so unsupportive though - is he like this with other areas of your life? One thing at a time though - concentrate on stopping drinking at the moment.

YgritteSnow · 09/03/2020 11:34

He probably won't care. Anyone who cared would have already noticed there was a problem with you drinking 42 units a week.

underfall · 09/03/2020 11:34

What kind of support are you hoping for?

If you’re hoping he’ll join you in stopping, that’s probably not going to work.

But if you just want him not to urge you to have a drink, it really shouldn’t be necessary to invent a health condition as justification. If he’s not willing to do that, can you talk to him and ask him why?

Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:35

He doesn’t think I drink too much and doesn’t think it’s a problem. He likes to drink and I think he believes that if I stop it will change our relationship.

He doesn’t drink as much as me though, he can have a few cans and stop. I can’t.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 09/03/2020 11:35

What do you mean he won’t support you? Is he a heavy drinker and not prepared to stop or is he pouring drinks for you?

theemmadilemma · 09/03/2020 11:35

You'll be lucky if you are lying. But I was lucky, I got away with it.

I also have an ex husband who encouraged me to drink while complaining to others about my drinking. It made me easier to control.

Is your scenario similar, or does have also have a problem?

RandomMess · 09/03/2020 11:36

Do you need the house to be alcohol free?

Have you had liver function test or not yet? Fatty liver can be reversed by stopping alcohol.

DixieFlatline · 09/03/2020 11:36

If him acknowledging you drink too much means he has to also acknowledge that he does too, and he doesn't want to do that, I don't think anything you say will make a difference. You're going to need to take a hard look at what you can do to avoid his influence if you want to improve/protect your own health.

Wolfiefan · 09/03/2020 11:36

A few cans? Two? Five? Sounds like he’s a problem drinker too.
Maybe time to make a break from more than just the alcohol.

Herocomplex · 09/03/2020 11:37

Are you co-dependent? You sound really desperate. Glad to hear you’re getting started on your journey, but maybe he’s not going in it with you.

Focus on yourself.

RandomMess · 09/03/2020 11:37

X-posts,

Perhaps you need to state either the house is alcohol free or you separate...

NotStayingIn · 09/03/2020 11:38

It’s so so sad that he isn’t helping you. I think that is something you will need to delve into deeper once you are ready for it.

I completely agree with pp that lying isn’t great. However, alcoholism would be hell. If breaking your dependency on alcohol is within reach I would overlook one lie (dare I say an exaggeration really as that could easily happen at a future scan). Its one lie to someone who isn’t supporting you - who really should - to safeguard your own health. It’s ‘wrong’, but the whole situation is a bit wrong. Hope it all works for you, wishing you the best.

Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:40

Last night I drank around 7 cans and only stopped because I couldn’t see properly and started to feel really ill. This morning I woke with sweats, stomach ache, bad head, nausea and a lot of guilt. It’s my day off, I should have been down at the beach with my dog. Not feeling sorry for myself yet again on the couch wearing curry stained pyjamas

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 09/03/2020 11:43

YABU to make something like that up. You need to take control of yourself and not rely on other people to make you stop. First step may be AA.