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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH a lie so he helps me quit drinking

142 replies

ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:25

DH will not support me in stopping drinking. I drink 42 units a week and need to stop.

I have a blood test this afternoon. AIBU to tell DH I have impaired liver function or something similar so he stops encouraging me to drink?

OP posts:
FeeFee382 · 09/03/2020 11:44

How much is 42 units?!

CilantroChili · 09/03/2020 11:44

Hello OP. Don’t lie. In fact I’d just get on with it myself and not say anything. This is a battle you can fight by yourself. You don’t need him for this.
I suggest Reddit r/stopdrinking
Fantastic resource
If you want a fluffier approach try tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com
Good luck
Ps., Life sans booze is nicer than you think

Canadianpancake · 09/03/2020 11:46

To be honest op your relationship sounds toxic, and if you are serious about stopping drinking you may need to re-asess your whole lifestyle, including your relationship. Recognising and admitting you've got a problem is a huge and brave step to take, well done.

Illberidingshotgun · 09/03/2020 11:47

FeeFee382 there's approx 10 units in a bottle of wine, so it's over 4 bottles of wine a week (or whatever the OP drinks, but it maybe helpful to have it in terms of wine)

CilantroChili · 09/03/2020 11:47

FeeFee it’s a few bottles of wine maybe 4. I think a lot of people drink 4 bottles of wine over the course of a week

Evilspiritgin · 09/03/2020 11:48

@FeeFee382

It can be 4 bottles of 14% red wine a week

CilantroChili · 09/03/2020 11:49

Last one from me, I would put CanadianPancake’s well meant advice to one side for now and focus on racking up some sobriety. Things become much clearer then.

Evilspiritgin · 09/03/2020 11:52

Crossed posts above with the wine analogy

EdinaMonsoon · 09/03/2020 11:52

Even if your DH is supportive, the strength you need has to come from within you, not him. As others have said, it is likely that you will need to do this by yourself.

As you're laying there now, recovering from the effects of last night, change the negativity to a positivity. Don't wallow in the guilt - that will only take you right back to the drink as you sink further into a "I'm a total waste of space, what's the point?" thinking. Take a pen & paper and write down all the things you would love to spend time doing instead of drinking. Then get yourself washed & dressed and take the dog out just to physically break the atmosphere you find yourself in right now. I know it's a cliche but at some point you need to take that first step. Taking the step now before the results of your blood test will help you feel just a little more in control. That stopping drinking is your choice rather than being forced into it. You can do this. One of the most important things to do is to fill your drinking time with other activities.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 09/03/2020 11:54

My ex was like this with my weight.. Didn't want me losing any even those I was severely obese. I figured it was because he didn't want me to drop the lbs and drop him too, I dropped him but am still waiting to drop the lbs.

He was way too insecure

Grumpbum123 · 09/03/2020 11:55

I’ve recently given up drinking as mine had spiralled out of control I was drinking 50-70 units a week my kick was my LFTS were deranged

Grumpbum123 · 09/03/2020 11:56

Meant to add good luck

Illberidingshotgun · 09/03/2020 11:57

I agree with the PP - get out and walk the dog, even if it's just for a few minutes. The fresh air and exercise will help a little. Have plenty of water and something sweet to eat, even if you don't feel like it.

You are doing great - you have sought help, been referred for support, and are having a blood test later on today. Those are fantastic steps, and you should be proud of yourself. Try to make today a dry day if you can. Honestly though, reach out for online support from others in a similar position.

ScreamingLadySutch · 09/03/2020 11:57

OP, listen to me now.

  1. Go to your GP
  2. Ask for a prescription of NALTREXONE

When you make the decision to drink - say you start your first can at 5 o clock
at 4pm, take a pill. Then open your can.

You will find that you are in total control of your drinking. Whatever he does or doesn't do. The buzz that makes you want more is blocked by the pill

You just take a pill every time you know you are going to drink, and eventually you will break the habit.

Google 'The Sinclair Method'. It has a 75% success rate and this cure has been known since the 1970s.

I really do not think that people who are predisposed to alcohol have to ruin their lives/lose their marriages/everything they have;

when one little pill can get them back in control of something that is genetic and not their fault.

Please can people share this information

EdinaMonsoon · 09/03/2020 11:57

Recommend the Try Dry app. Gives you an insight into your drinking habits/volume but allows you to set goals as little as 2 or 3 days alcohol free. Shift your focus from giving up drinking forever (insurmountable probably right now) to just one day at a time.

Canadianpancake · 09/03/2020 11:58

@CilantroChili as you pointed out, 4 bottles of wine a week doesn't make someone a drunk, I'm sure op has enough mental clarity to think things through.

If she wants a drinking partner, great. If she wants a partner that puts her health and wellbeing as a priority over having someone to drink with then there's food for thought.

FrankieKnuckles · 09/03/2020 12:00

I think if lying is what u need to do to stop/reduce immediately then do it. Sometimes u don't have the discipline u need even when u know you're in a bad situation.
I'd also seek support from elsewhere, AA perhaps so that u have someone to balance the fact hes normalising your level of drinking.
Good luck OP Thanks

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2020 12:07

I think you need support from outside rather than from your husband. Don’t lie to him. If my dh lied to me over something as important as his health, that would be a deal breaker for me.

You need to consider whether he’s the best person to be around if he is drinking heavily and not thinking either of you have a problem.

Good luck and well done for recognising you need to stop. Your gp is a good first port of call.

Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 12:10

I’ve just finished on the phone with the alcohol service that the GP has referred me to. I scored 35 out of 40 on the Alcohol Dependancy scale which makes me high risk.

I have my first appointment next Monday.

OP posts:
underfall · 09/03/2020 12:10

OP -
He doesn’t think I drink too much and doesn’t think it’s a problem. He likes to drink and I think he believes that if I stop it will change our relationship.

He may be right. I know my ex and I definitely used to facilitate each other’s drinking habits, unknowingly (or not-quite-knowingly). Neither of us could have supported the other in quitting.

I agree with others - see what the results are, and whatever the results, show them to your husband, to help him understand that you do seriously need to stop.

GabsAlot · 09/03/2020 12:11

It could end up being true but be honest would he start helping you anyway?

Knittedfairies · 09/03/2020 12:15

Sadly you don't need to lie if you are at high risk. Good luck OP.💐

Seventyone72seventy3 · 09/03/2020 12:16

Surely telling him you have been referred to the addictions clinic should be enough to make him realise it is serious without adding in anything else?

Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 12:18

He’ll take the piss if I say I’m going to addictions service. He thinks I over react about everything.

OP posts:
foxychox · 09/03/2020 12:18

Well done on that first step OP, hoping that you get the support that you need to quit and move on with your life....