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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH a lie so he helps me quit drinking

142 replies

ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:25

DH will not support me in stopping drinking. I drink 42 units a week and need to stop.

I have a blood test this afternoon. AIBU to tell DH I have impaired liver function or something similar so he stops encouraging me to drink?

OP posts:
annamie · 09/03/2020 12:18

He sounds like an abusive cunt. I would leave him.

AntiSocialInjusticePacifist · 09/03/2020 12:19

Just wanna say although it may not feel like it I really admire your drive to resolve to crack this problem. Irrespective how you may feel sometimes you are a worthwhile person, and the world will be better off the longer you are in it! Best of luck. I know it's not easy.

happywhips · 09/03/2020 12:20

Well
Done on getting support!!! He sounds like an idiot just do it alone when your stronger review your relationship x

lightyearsahead · 09/03/2020 12:21

A big well done you in making this first step.
You need to do this for yourself and there is a good chance it may change your relationship.
Lie if you must, you know your end-goal. But you might need to do some soul searching on your relationship.
Do whatever it takes.
Best of luck

Illberidingshotgun · 09/03/2020 12:21

Well you are not over reacting. You drink far more than you should, and you are at high risk of causing yourself serious health problems. You have done brilliantly to acknowledge this and seek help. If he honestly loved you he would want the best for you, and the best is going to be to stop drinking.

However as many of us have said, focus on stopping drinking for now, get yourself well and strong, then look at other areas of your life.

villamariavintrapp · 09/03/2020 12:25

I think you do need to reconsider your relationship. Whilst pps are correct that it's something that has to come from you, that doesn't mean that you have to do it without support, or worse, with a partner who is actually trying to sabotage you. It's hard to give up drinking, it's harder if you have someone like him working against you. You shouldn't need to lie about actual damage to your liver to get his support, it should be enough that it's something you want to do to improve your quality of life, wellbeing, physical health, mental health, etc etc. Those things should matter to him and they don't. Would your life be better without him in it?

HepzibahGreen · 09/03/2020 12:25

Do what you need to do. Whatever that is. Don't overthink it. Good luck!

AtrociousCircumstance · 09/03/2020 12:27

You’ve been told you’re high risk by a doctor. He can’t take the piss out of that. If he does, it wouldn’t matter what you said, he’s ridicule it regardless, so lying is pointless.

Keep on your path 💪🏼

dontgobaconmyheart · 09/03/2020 12:27

It doesn't really sound like you can recover if you remain in this toxic relationship OP. Is he an alcoholic also? Regardless it IS toxic, if you live someone you could not be ok with them making themselves I'll and risking their life, nor would you take the piss out of something they did to improve your life Hmm. He sounds like he has serious problems of his own.

You can't make him care OP, lying about a health condition is wrong and he'll like not take that seriously either.

You do not need him to support you, you don't need him at all. Any/all progress you've made seeking help was made without him and in spite of him and you still managed so you're a lot stronger than you think. Being around the right people is crucial to a recovery.

GrumpyHoonMain · 09/03/2020 12:28

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Yogawoogie · 09/03/2020 12:30

Do this despite his support. Do it for you. You can do it.

HannaYeah · 09/03/2020 12:30

Do you have children?

Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 12:32

Thank you so much for all the lovely comments and support. I’m feeling very down and beaten today so I don’t have the words to reply properly to each one but I am reading and appreciate them.

The woman on the phone said I should get signed off on sick for a while but I’m on a casual contract and won’t get paid 😞 we could survive without my pay but it would be a big dint in the finances.

If only I could think of a way to make money from home. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m drowning.

OP posts:
AtomicRabbit · 09/03/2020 12:33

You've both got it all wrong....

If he can't put your 'health' before your 'relationship' there is no relationship anyway because you'll end up dying of cirrhosis of the liver.

So he should stop prioritising "the relationship" and start prioritising your health.

Of course if you stop drinking it will change the relationship. Sounds like he has a problem too. Perhaps you both only love each other when you're enabling each other and drunk - and in the end, well that's no kind of love - that's just joining each other in a race to the bottom, a pit of self-destruction.

If you want to do this, it will be very hard to do it with someone cracking open a tinnie every night.

You know what you've got to do. You've got to give up everything associated with this addiction and it looks like you're going to have to give up him too.

He sounds selfish. Only interested in his own needs and not bothered about yours. I'd get rid, rather quickly if he shows no signs of being on board.

It's now or never and you know it. Time to get your life back. Literally.

Original poster
ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 12:34

@GrumpyHoonMain

I’m not blaming anyone for my drinking. And I have sought support.

OP posts:
SonjaMorgan · 09/03/2020 12:36

Your life sounds like the film "smashed". If he won't support you then no amount of lies are going to make your relationship work. I think you should leave for a few weeks and stay with supportive friends or family if you can.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/03/2020 12:36

Have you ever thought you would be happier, and mentally healthier without your DH?

C8H10N4O2 · 09/03/2020 12:36

Get your act together and stop blaming him for your drinking

Helpful. The OP has done her part but stands little chance of giving up alcohol whilst living with a drinker who doesn't want her to stop drinking. As AA would tell you.

Derbee · 09/03/2020 12:37

I think at some point, if you’re having to fight your addiction, as well as fighting for support from him, you’ll see that you don’t have a choice but to leave him, stop drinking, and start your new life

mrsBtheparker · 09/03/2020 12:37

Is he the reason you drink in the first place?

The typical MN attitude, he has to be the one at fault not a woman who can't stop drinking.

Derbee · 09/03/2020 12:37

Goodluck, OP. The first step is realising you have a problem, and wanting to do something about it. You should be proud of that already

mrsBtheparker · 09/03/2020 12:38

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TheVanguardSix · 09/03/2020 12:38

Seriously be proud of this huge step you’ve taken in wanting to tackle your problem.
Your DH is not the reason you’re drinking. Don’t allow yourself to believe that he is the one stopping you from quitting. Don’t seek out blame and obstacles. Look instead at all of the support that’s out there helping you to stop.
It takes a lot of self love and self respect to stop drinking. Try and tap into yourself and what you need. I hope your DH can and will support you. But it’s you, yourself, above all, who needs to make it happen. You can do it!

Illberidingshotgun · 09/03/2020 12:40

GrumpyHoonMain Nowhere in her posts has OP blamed her DH. She has already "got her act together", acknowledged she has a problem, and seen the GP, spoken to the alcohol service, and has a blood test later. I think that's pretty amazing.

He doesn't want her to stop drinking. She needs to stop - she knows this, and medical professionals agree and are supporting her. Shouldn't he be supporting her too? Shouldn't he want the best for her, or should he continue encouraging her to drink??

tara66 · 09/03/2020 12:41

I have not read all the posts. You could die of a stroke or be permanently disabled for the rest of your life. Who will look after you then?? Perhaps your husband will leave you?Think about it. My sister died at 58 from a stroke due to alcohol. She was very intelligent -Cambridge Grad. etc. Women cannot ''take'' as much alcohol as men because of lower body weight etc. Try hypnosis immediately.