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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DH a lie so he helps me quit drinking

142 replies

ReallyBadSmellyCat · 09/03/2020 11:25

DH will not support me in stopping drinking. I drink 42 units a week and need to stop.

I have a blood test this afternoon. AIBU to tell DH I have impaired liver function or something similar so he stops encouraging me to drink?

OP posts:
Summersunandoranges · 09/03/2020 12:56

OP you need to start looking at the reasons he won’t support you and encourages you to drink. Really look at the dynamics of your relationship. It’s making you ill, you know your drinking to much yet he wants to keep you at that level. Why?

And yes if you give up drinking your going to probably see him in a new light.

The easy way to control alcohol by Allen Carr is a really good read. I really recommend it.

I’ve known three people to die from alcoholism. It’s actually when they gave up drinking they deteriorated so fast. Their bodies had been so ravaged by alcohol it was too late. All of them were in there late thirties/early forties.

I’ve been dry for five weeks. Dh has held on tight when weekend comes around and I start ‘gasping’ for a bottle of ‘fizz’ or wine and said ‘don’t let’s just do another weekend booze free’

My mental health has been amazing and I’m present all the time for myself and my kids.

DONT let your partner keep you on a bad path.

If I were you I’d seriously be looking at why he won’t support you - because it will be nothing to do with benefiting you.

Lynda07 · 09/03/2020 12:56

ReallyBadSmellyCat Mon 09-Mar-20 12:18:06
He’ll take the piss if I say I’m going to addictions service. He thinks I over react about everything.
..........
That is dreadful, Really. He is not going to help you if he won't recognise that you drink too much - he does too.

You'll have to go it alone with proper, experienced help. You can do it, you know. I'm glad you have already sought advice - good luck with that.

Flowers
SinkGirl · 09/03/2020 12:57

The typical MN attitude, he has to be the one at fault not a woman who can't stop drinking.

ODFOD. The point is that it’s very difficult to kick an addiction if the person you live with doesn’t want you to stop and is frequently trying to sabotage you. Yes, with enough willpower you could still manage it, but it would be much easier with a partner who’s on your side.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/03/2020 12:58

I'm sorry your going through this it sucks to be alcohol dependent I hope you find the strength and courage to become alcohol free and take whatever freedoms that come your way

JKScot4 · 09/03/2020 12:58

42 units is equivalent to 21 pints of lager, 42 measures of spirits,6/7 bottles of wine.

Bestnewshoes · 09/03/2020 13:02

Keep the strength OP, use the resources recommended on here and remember you are doing this for you and no-one else xx

3rdNamechange · 09/03/2020 13:07

Good luck , let us know how it goes.

IntergalacticSuperstar · 09/03/2020 13:07

Try to ignore the nastiness. Some posters on MN are here with their own agenda in mind, and they won't deviate from that whatever the subject.

FishingPaws · 09/03/2020 13:08

OP, you've taken the two hardest steps:

  1. Admitting you have a problem
  2. Deciding to make a change

You should be applauded for both of these things! The rest almost certainly won't be easy, but you can do it. Unfortunately, if your husband is unsupportive your road will be more difficult - especially if he is actively against you stopping drinking. You may find yourself with some more difficult decisions ahead!

Good luck with your path to sobriety!

annamie · 09/03/2020 13:12

@mrsBtheparker

mrsBtheparker

Is he the reason you drink in the first place?

The typical MN attitude, he has to be the one at fault not a woman who can't stop drinking.

Can you even read? The OP’s FIRST post says he encourages her to drink. Of course he’s at fault.

INeedToGetHealthy · 09/03/2020 13:13

I would not initially say that your DH is abusive. He be be just blissfully ignorant of his own drinking habits too. I was an alcoholic for years and the only thing that stopped me in the end was losing my father to an alcoholic induced stroke at the age of 62. That scared me and made me realise that I could not put my family through that again.
I hope that you can get the help that you need OP and that your DH eventually joins you in cutting down.

Drybird2020 · 09/03/2020 13:14

You've made a terrific start, the rest of your life starts here! Come and join us on the abstinence thread over in Alcohol Support, it's a fantastically supportive place populated by lots of people ending their relationship with booze.

ilovesooty · 09/03/2020 13:14

@ReallyBadSmellyCat you have taken proactive steps to get support - well done. You do not need to start asking your GP for drugs to facilitate your journey. Your addiction service will work with you on the best ways to support your journey both clinically and socially. Everyone's recovery journey is different. Good luck.

motheroftwoboys · 09/03/2020 13:15

you need to sort your addiction out before you sort your relationship out. Good luck with stopping drinking. As you know, 42 units a week is way over what is recommended. You can't do it alone though - you need the help of others who are going through the same thing so go to AA.
Your DH can stop enabling you to drink but he can't stop you drinking. That power is with you. Good luck.

FabbyChix · 09/03/2020 13:15

Why can’t you do it yourself to be honest that’s the only way you’re going to quit I hope you don’t have kids at home with that level of alcohol abuse

justasking111 · 09/03/2020 13:16

Oh so sorry you are standing here today with this honest statement. If your OH does not support you then find the support elsewhere. You have a dog that needs you and will be an aid. Your OH words fail me.

DickAmbush · 09/03/2020 13:16

@ScreamingLadySutch - most GP surgeries will refer a patient requesting naltrexone to an addiction recovery agency. The Sinclair Method isn't widely practiced in this country, and few GPs are even aware of it.

In addition, not all addiction support services will prescribe naltrexone even once the patient has been assessed, as it isn't suitable for everyone. People with significant liver damage aren't able to take it, but there are alternatives such as acamprosate and nalmefene.

I also used naltrexone to kick the drink, but I didn't do it with TSM - I was completely abstinent. It's not a magic bullet, it still requires holistic support and talking therapy in conjunction with the medication.

SewItGoes · 09/03/2020 13:16

I wish you luck with cutting down on your drinking and being healthier. It's true that ultimately, the strength to do that has to come from you (often with help from a program or counsellor), but having the support of your husband can help.

Honestly, even if someone isn't an alcoholic and wants to stop drinking for any reason, they don't deserve their partner for mocking them for it. It's not much of a partnership if he doesn't want to help you achieve your goals.

Double3xposure · 09/03/2020 13:18

YY, take advantage of all the support that IS there for you - AA, support threads here, Facebook etc..

Is there anyone in RL who will be on your side - friend, colleague, family member? Do you feel ready to tell them ?

Don’t waste your energy trying to get your husband onside, you need all your focus to be on you.

Once you have addressed your drinking you will have a clearer head to decide what to do about him. You have enough on your plate right now.

Good work on consulting your GP and phoning addiction services - these are really great first steps and must have taken a lot of courage. 🏅

HannaYeah · 09/03/2020 13:18

Alcohol aside, your DH should not be making fun of you for any positive life change you want to make.

What if you were pre-diabetic and he wouldn’t support you eating healthy and getting exercise?

I’d raise hell with my DH if he acted like this to me. I’d tell him to get on board or get out.

He’s supposed to be a partner and friend, not an obnoxious asshole. Life is hard enough without having an enemy in your own house.

gingersausage · 09/03/2020 13:24

@ReallyBadSmellyCat well done for taking control and taking the first step. AIBU is probably not the best place to post though because as always, the self righteous can’t resist kicking someone when they’re already down. Have a look for one of the stopping drinking support threads instead, where people will actually encourage you instead of trying to tear you down.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 09/03/2020 13:27

Maybe he would be happy without an alcoholic wife

If that was the case why on earth, as the OP has said, is he putting drinks down in front of her every night and will call her a drama queen for getting help with the addiction. That is not a supportive husband.

totallydevoidofideas · 09/03/2020 13:28

Well done on wanting to change this, OP. This thread will be good for you to look back on to remind yourself of how you felt. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned this, but the Reddit group stopdrinking is excellent, non-judgemental and kindly, full of people who understand and have been there themselves.

LouHotel · 09/03/2020 13:31

Get this thread moved to relationships as some of the responses here are some of the most appalling I’ve read on this site.

She admits she has a problem

She is taking steps to tackle her addiction

The same people pissing on op whilst she’s at her rock bottom are probably the same people who walk past a person in the street and wonder why they haven’t taken steps to help themselves. This women is and your dragging on her.

JudyCoolibar · 09/03/2020 13:32

He puts his own welfare - i.e. keeping to what he perceives to be a comfortable relationship - ahead of your health. I think that tells you an awful lot about him, OP.

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