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Original poster

To find this very hurtful? Trigger warning.(baby death)

166 replies

Tillygetsit · 08/03/2020 22:49

I'm lying in bed sobbing and I have to share this and anonymity seems good atm.
On Thursday at 08:17 I gave birth to my fourth child, a beautiful baby boy with Downs Syndrome. Unfortunately he had a severe heart defect and died at 12:24.
This has obviously ripped mine and dh's hearts apart. Almost every health professional, family member and friend has said words to the effect that his passing is probably a blessing in disguise due to his Downs Syndrome and having 3 other children under 10.
I cannot tell you how offensive I find this. I know people are trying to comfort me with a perceived silver lining but that is not how I see it. So far I have managed to not bite anyone's head off but can feel that the next person to say it (or say it again as in the case of my MIL who has said it over and over) will get it both barrels.
How do I react to this?

OP posts:
lmcneil003 · 09/03/2020 10:46

People are just trying to be kind.
It's better they say something clumsy than ignore it and say nothing, though it may not feel that way.
It's quite understandable you're super upset - the mumsnet forum sends you hugs. Please take acre of yourself.

x2boys · 09/03/2020 10:52

I disagree @Imcneil003 it's hugely insensitive to for people to suggest to the Op that it's a blessing that her child died because he had a disability ,it's not kind at all ,if they can't see that than it would be better not to say anything at all .

DropYourSword · 09/03/2020 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Confusednewmum1 · 09/03/2020 11:03

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy! What’s his name and what weight is he?

Well done and he is perfect in every way. I bet he’s the best looking baby in the family.

I’m so sorry that you couldn’t keep him longer and I’m sorry people aren’t being decent humans!! Have you been able to visit him again?
People probably are reacting like this as their way of distancing themselves from the hurt but it’s still so so wrong.

Do you have anyone who can advocate for you and tell people that their comments are hurtful?

PM me your MIL details and I will do it, nicely but firmly. Xx

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/03/2020 11:07

You are in terrible pain at the moment and so cannot see where they are coming from. People feel the need to say something that they perceive will lessen your loss. It doesnt. Nothing will. Hard to do in your pain but try to remember your MIL is coming from it from a point of caring and does not mean to offend you. If you can get your OH to gently mention to \Mil that others have thought this was helpful when in fact it compounds the pain. People are terrified of saying nothing and mortified when they say the wrong thing. Protect yourself for a while and let the world go by. Let your children share your sadness as they also have a loss

BabyYoda · 09/03/2020 11:09

I am so sorry for your loss. Anyone thoughtless enough to say something like that honestly deserves a slap! There’s not knowing what to say and then there’s just being downright offensive about your son.

Do you have a “family enforcer” who can firmly tell everyone to fuck off and stop talking shit? In my family it is me and I would happily tear them a new one for you.

Tattoocrazymum · 09/03/2020 11:10

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful baby Flowers

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/03/2020 11:12

@DropYourSword
I am sad that your post in its indignation, is so agressive. No, people do not need their head biting off. In our country we avoid the subject of death and so are insensitive and trot out platitudes. Yes we all need educating, but for most people it is outside their field of experience. Thats how we end up with Baby showers , gender reveals and all these premature celebrations that a baby will arrive safely.
They may lack the understanding to avoid such faux pas but your post is distinctly unhelpful in my opinion. Grief is terrible enough without adding anger

lmcneil003 · 09/03/2020 11:13

@x2boys

I disagree @Imcneil003 it's hugely insensitive to for people to suggest to the Op that it's a blessing that her child died because he had a disability ,it's not kind at all ,if they can't see that than it would be better not to say anything at all .

Please read my post again.
I said people are TRYING to be kind.
I agree they are not succeeding, but they are attempting to say the right thing.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 09/03/2020 11:15

@BabyYoda
I really hope yu would do this with a gentle sensitivity, eg pre empt, not tell them to fuck off and stop talking shit. A kind intermediary is called for, not aggression

gingersausage · 09/03/2020 11:18

I really don’t think this thread is the place for posters to start arguing with each other over semantics. Maybe take it to PM?

DropYourSword · 09/03/2020 11:18

@NoMorePoliticsPlease - this is not the thread to tone police anyone. Pick your moments. This ain't it.

AllInADay · 09/03/2020 11:24

That's awful. Tillygetsit. There are no words, and I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. At the moment I don't think there is anything anyone can say that can take away the grief you are feeling, but people around you are having a go and it's not working and making it worse. As a MIL I've done it myself. You won't feel like looking at this right now but SANDS and Tommys have some excellent case studies and advice on people who have been through what you've been through, and also case studies on wider family (parents, in-laws, etc.) who also felt devastated on their loved-one's behalf and felt completely at sea on what to do or say, whilst bottling their own grief. That's not your concern right now, though. Sending love to you and your beautiful little boy.

Sypha · 09/03/2020 11:27

I'm so sorry, OP, you must be devastated.

I think in the face of tragedy people blurt out stupid, inappropriate things because they feel they should say something and have no idea what (I have definitely done this in different circumstances). I'm sorry they said something so hurtful and insensitive.

eenymeenyminyme · 09/03/2020 11:29

I'm so sorry for the loss of your gorgeous little boy Flowers

I think people feel the need to say 'something' and don't always think it through. I do think you have the absolute right to reply though, and should correct them and remind them that this is your loved and wanted child that they're talking about.

Lynda07 · 09/03/2020 11:33

lmcneil003 Mon 09-Mar-20 10:46:53
People are just trying to be kind.
It's better they say something clumsy than ignore it and say nothing, though it may not feel that way.
It's quite understandable you're super upset - the mumsnet forum sends you hugs. Please take acre of yourself.
......
I disagree, it is far better to say nothing. The best kind of sympathy in this case would be just kindness, showing love, saying little and allowing the op to let it all out.

Why people feel the need to chime in on such a sensitive matter when it is none of their business I do not know.

I can imagine my mother saying something tactless, she could never keep her mouth shut.

Mumtoanimals · 09/03/2020 11:42

Im sorry for you loss and the insensitivity of those people. You still lost a baby, a human you cared for in your stomach. I'm shocked people are being like this. Honestly i would call them out and say "they were still a baby, my human."
Please take the time for you, and ignore those people. I cannot imagaine what you are going though.

ElizabethMountbatten · 09/03/2020 11:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

lynzpynz · 09/03/2020 11:57

Their comments may be coming from a place of good intentions, but they are NOT acceptable. Its an incredibly warped way of trying to make you 'feel better' about your sons passing using their disability as a reason their life wouldn't have been worth living. How people can not see how wrong this is is staggering.

You are a grieving family, and regardless of whatever life your child would have hoped to lead they were so wanted and so loved throughout your pregnancy, and the short time they blessed this unworthy earth with their amazing presence. You will always be his mummy, and he will have known you, smelled you, been cuddled by you for the entirety of his short life. He knows how wanted and loved he has been and always will be. You are his whole world.

I am 20 weeks pregnant, and I cannot imagine your grief. Sending so much sympathy, you must be all over the place and missing him dreadfully Flowers.

If you can find the strength it might be worth writing (or asking someone to write on your behalf) a group text emphasising how comments regarding your sons disability and the potential impact to his life are not welcomed or comforting in the slightest, they are in fact deeply hurtful. Share some articles to educate people on the value of those with disabilities, emphasising how the suggestion his worth or his life was lessened by having one is deeply wrong. It's not something I would usually recommend doing about something so close and private but if it's happening from several people in what should be your support group then this is a way to get the message out and prevent you having to listen to any more of this.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 09/03/2020 12:08

What an awful, awful situation for you OP. Some people, when trying to think of something to bring comfort, say the most incredibly hurtful things. I'm sure during his brief few hours of life your darling son realised how much his mummy and daddy loved him and I hope you can hold on to your memories of that time and draw some comfort from them.

"A life may last just for a moment, but memory can make that moment last forever". Flowers

Sockwomble · 09/03/2020 12:10

People shouldn't be telling anyone that the death of that person's loved one is a blessing. There is never a need for it.

Cissyandflora · 09/03/2020 12:18

I’m so sorry for your sad loss. I have no idea what you can say to people but I remember that when one of my dear friends lost her teenage son, another friend consoled her by saying at least she won’t have to see him old and with grey hair. She was devastated of course. She would have loved to see him reach old age.
I suppose people will always say clumsy things and perhaps the people around you are trying to be helpful or console you in some way. I don’t know what you can say but they should be told it is heartbreaking for you to hear such comments.

NaviSprite · 09/03/2020 12:38

I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy OP Flowers

I’m a year on from the stillbirth of my son Christopher and I too have had people suggest it was for the best as his older brother and sister are toddlers and it’s been hard but fulfilling work with being a SAHM and trying to get them caught up developmentally - I have to remind the people who say it that it is not for the best that I had to bury my baby, that my twins will never get to meet their younger brother and that I will have to live with his loss for the rest of my life.

People are terrible when it comes to supporting the bereaved - and when it comes to the loss of a child it seems even worse - not because people are cruel or because they don’t care, but in my experience at least, it’s because unless they’ve had an experience that is similar, they simply don’t know how to react. It doesn’t make it easy or right for them to minimise your tragedy.

DH and I found that we had to tell those around us how we wanted them to behave in relation to our loss. Not exactly what we wanted to do when we were (and still are) grieving.

I wish you strength in this most trying and devastating of times @Tillygetsit Flowers

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2020 14:38

@OchAyeThaNoo - I'm so sorry that you needed to write that post - you must also have had a big bunch of "well-meaning" numpties spouting their platitudes at you.

There's a reason that it is written "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" - and you can read into it that the "kind intentions" of people only worrying about what they should say, as opposed to how it might fall on the ears of the recipient, fall into this category.

So sorry for all of you on this thread that have experienced a loss - and by the way, anger is part of the grieving process, so don't let ANYONE tell you that you shouldn't add anger in! Thanks

MrsDrudge · 09/03/2020 14:52

The worst possible has happened, I am so sorry about your beautiful baby boy.
People might be saying these things to try to make you feel better or because they are ignorant and thoughtless. Either way I think you are right to tell them how much you will always love your baby boy and they are being thoughtless and insensitive.
Sending most sincere sympathy to you and your family.