Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To find this very hurtful? Trigger warning.(baby death)

166 replies

Tillygetsit · 08/03/2020 22:49

I'm lying in bed sobbing and I have to share this and anonymity seems good atm.
On Thursday at 08:17 I gave birth to my fourth child, a beautiful baby boy with Downs Syndrome. Unfortunately he had a severe heart defect and died at 12:24.
This has obviously ripped mine and dh's hearts apart. Almost every health professional, family member and friend has said words to the effect that his passing is probably a blessing in disguise due to his Downs Syndrome and having 3 other children under 10.
I cannot tell you how offensive I find this. I know people are trying to comfort me with a perceived silver lining but that is not how I see it. So far I have managed to not bite anyone's head off but can feel that the next person to say it (or say it again as in the case of my MIL who has said it over and over) will get it both barrels.
How do I react to this?

OP posts:

PatchworkMonkey · 09/03/2020 07:35

He was your baby and you loved him and wanted him no matter what. They need to know this. I'm not sure I'd want them at his funeral to be honest and I'd tell them this.

I can't believe the people supposed to be closest to you and support you would make these comments. It's disgusting.

blablablablablablabla · 09/03/2020 07:38

I am so sorry. They are completely wrong there is no silver lining.

PurpleDaisies · 09/03/2020 07:40

I agree that comments like this are because people don’t know what to say and they think they should come up with something helpful. All they really need to do is say they’re sorry for your loss.

I would respond by saying you don’t think the loss of your son’s life is an sort of blessing and that’s a very upsetting thing to say. Hopefully that will stop the people saying this from doing it in future.

Sorry for your loss.

dairyfairies · 09/03/2020 07:41

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you have some support in RL and not everyone is coming out with these completely unacceptable comments.

If letting rip makes you better, then do so...

I have a child with a genetic condition and complex needs and when I hear such statements, it always hits home that many people actually think the world would be a better place without the likes of DD. They never dare to say it but in the light of a passing away of a disabled child. It's horrible. Esp when speaking to a grieving parent. I have no words.

Much love to you

EpicDay · 09/03/2020 07:42

Have not read anything except the OP but simply could not leave this unanswered. I am so so sorry for your loss. It is heartbreaking. I hope that your other children bring you some comfort.

B0bbin · 09/03/2020 07:42

How horrible to say that when you're already feeling so much pain. I hope these comments stop or you find a way to dismiss the words, either by openly saying, "I don't see it that way/ That is actually offensive," or a shake of the head. Grief is hard. I'm sorry for your loss

springiscoming12 · 09/03/2020 07:50

I’m so sorry for you loss.

Lndnmummy · 09/03/2020 07:55

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. What is his name? Do you want to talk about him with us?

Thinkingabout1t · 09/03/2020 08:02

I am so sorry that your lovely little son has died.

Do you have someone who could ‘screen’ visitors and let them know how much this hurts you?

Branches1 · 09/03/2020 08:08

I’m very sorry for you loss, and cannot believe the things people have said to you.

@Rosspoldarkssaddle Beautifully written.

Throckmorton · 09/03/2020 08:14

How bloody thoughtless of them. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy. Hugs.

lowlandLucky · 09/03/2020 08:14

Close the front door, turn the phones off and you,
your Husband and children can all grieve for your lovely son/brother together.
Grandparents etc need to be told that they are not helping the situation and in fact are really hurting you and your Husband.

YoureMyWifeNowDave · 09/03/2020 08:22

I am truly sorry for your loss Tilly

CatteStreet · 09/03/2020 08:24

You don't need to say more than 'Please don't say things like that, it's not helpful.' You certainly don't need to explain or educate, not now. I wouldn't waste precious energy on anger either - I'd just shut them down, and ask to be alone if they won't stop. People feel uncomfortable with grief and (selfishly, as many people sadly are) do want to try and stem its expression, as well as thinking they are helping you 'feel better'. This is not the time for 'feeling better', and you need to be able to focus on your grief. I am sorry your darling boy died.

spiderlight · 09/03/2020 08:25

Oh, I am so very sorry for your loss, and for the pain of other people's insensitivity :(

ikeakia · 09/03/2020 08:32

I’am so so sorry for your loss. My DS also has Down Syndrome and I cannot imagine how anyone can feel that suggesting that your son was anything other than a bright light burnt out far too soon is acceptable. It is completely beyond me.

Waveysnail · 09/03/2020 08:36

You need to tell them. Even its its by text that they are not being helpful, he was precious and doesn't matter a jot to you and dh that had downs syndrome. You loved him and are devastated.

gingersausage · 09/03/2020 08:47

I agree with @ColdAndSad and I think it bears repeating “it is not up to you to manage anyone else’s feelings”.

You have enough to deal with right now, and if stupid thoughtless people say stupid thoughtless things, then they deserve the reaction you give them. They might think twice before shitting on a bereaved mother’s feelings next time.

So sorry for the loss of your precious little boy.

Winterwoollies · 09/03/2020 09:11

People are so awful. They can’t see past their own disconnection. Why, in the terms of pregnancy and babies, do people think their opinion counts for anything? The compulsion they seem to feel to share it is mind blowing.

Tell them that after carrying your baby, feeling him move, feeling connected to him and giving birth to him, to only have him in your arms for four hours is not, nor will it ever be ‘a blessing in disguise’.

Then give them a very wide berth for as long as you need.

SerenDippitty · 09/03/2020 09:20

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful son.

EmJay19 · 09/03/2020 09:41

So sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.
I hope you and your husband are able to continue to support one another.
It’s worth letting people know how you feel. Don’t worry about offending them - I’m sure they will realise how awful it sounds to say such things once you explain it to them. Thinking of you ❤️

EmJay19 · 09/03/2020 09:43

Btw not in the same scale but I lost my son’s twin fairly early on in pregnancy and also had to deal with comments ‘at least you’ve got one’ when all I wanted was two... not easy x

Toddlerteaplease · 09/03/2020 09:57

So sorry for your loss. I'm sure he was a beautiful little boy. I thought attitudes like that were in the past. Next time someone comments. Give them both barrels. His life as had as much value as any other babies. And you will love him and miss him just the same.

OchAyeThaNoo · 09/03/2020 10:09

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost a child many years ago and I was astounded at how many ridiculous, vile but supposedly well intentioned comments we got.

In the end I put a post on Facebook and got out what I needed to. It was something along the lines of, "We lost our child. Our baby is gone. Do not fucking tell me it is "better this way". My baby DIED. Do not fucking say, "it was God's plan". If so, HE KILLED MY CHILD. Do not tell me it "wasn't meant to be". If that's true I wouldn't have got pregnant in the first place! Do not tell me that at least I know I can get pregnant and that we can try again, our child was not some goldfish you just replace with another from the pet shop!
So please, when you see us, tell us you are sorry for our loss. Give us your condolences. Please feel free to offer a shoulder to cry on. But if you're even considering telling us anything like "we were lucky" or anything even starting with "at least....", shut your mouth and walk away.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 09/03/2020 10:30

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Please feel free to put them in their place, however 'well meaning' they think they are.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread