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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find this very hurtful? Trigger warning.(baby death)

166 replies

Tillygetsit · 08/03/2020 22:49

I'm lying in bed sobbing and I have to share this and anonymity seems good atm.
On Thursday at 08:17 I gave birth to my fourth child, a beautiful baby boy with Downs Syndrome. Unfortunately he had a severe heart defect and died at 12:24.
This has obviously ripped mine and dh's hearts apart. Almost every health professional, family member and friend has said words to the effect that his passing is probably a blessing in disguise due to his Downs Syndrome and having 3 other children under 10.
I cannot tell you how offensive I find this. I know people are trying to comfort me with a perceived silver lining but that is not how I see it. So far I have managed to not bite anyone's head off but can feel that the next person to say it (or say it again as in the case of my MIL who has said it over and over) will get it both barrels.
How do I react to this?

OP posts:

june2007 · 09/03/2020 00:13

I,m pretty gobsmacked someone has put yabu.

eaglejulesk · 09/03/2020 00:18

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby son. What is wrong with people, a Down Syndrome baby would still be a blessing and a joy to you and DH. I suppose they think they are being helpful, but they really aren't. You have lost a longed for child, that's all there is to it. Hugs to you and DH, and your other children.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/03/2020 00:41

I'm appalled and heartbroken for you that anyone would think that is an appropriate sort of comment. :(
So very sorry for your loss - of course it is heartbreaking for you all to have lost your 4th baby and any arsehole who thinks otherwise lacks compassion and humanity.

I would actually let rip at the next person who says it because quite honestly you'll probably feel a "relief" at having done so (relief of pent up anger and frustration) and maybe they'll pass the word along.

Love and ((((hugs)))) for you, your DH and your 3 surviving children

Incontinencesucks · 09/03/2020 00:52

I am so sorry about your baby boy.

Some people are spectacularly insensitive at times like these. Don't hold your anger back.

Lynda07 · 09/03/2020 00:57

Tiily, I'm so sorry for you and your husband and appalled at the insensitivity of some ignorant people who open their mouths and utter whatever comes into their heads. Why they cannot just be sad for you and keep quiet I don't know. It's shameful.

for you and your little boy.

Ogham · 09/03/2020 00:57

I’m so sorry for your loss and I can’t believe that people would be so insensitivity. I hope you and your DH get through this heartache.
I was told, after having a miscarriage, that it was Mother Nature’s way!! My response was ‘fuck mother nature’!! Sometimes people don’t know what to say but what I did appreciate was when one of my friends simply said ‘that’s so shit’ , and she was right. 💐

PulyaSochsup · 09/03/2020 00:59

I am so dreadfully sorry for your loss.

QueenOfOversharing · 09/03/2020 01:09

So sorry for the loss of your baby boy. People are insensitive and ignorant and thoughtless.

LovePoppy · 09/03/2020 01:14

Im so sorry

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/03/2020 01:21

I support adults with Down syndrome and they have the most amazing fulfilling lives, you have every right to be annoyed!

I used to as well and some of the nicest, happiest, kindest people I have ever met had Downs.

Feel free to bite anyone's head off.

LouiseCollina · 09/03/2020 01:35

I'd tell these thoughtless idiots that your son has died and nothing about that is a blessing so could they please refrain from saying such a hurtful thing to a bereaved parent.

This above, or otherwise tell them to fuckoff and leave you alone to grieve in peace. What is wrong with some people?!

I am very very sorry to hear this is happening to you. There is no silver lining is losing your much loved little baby. ((((hugs))))

nosleepp · 09/03/2020 01:36

I’m so sorry for your loss

CoffeeHere · 09/03/2020 01:38

I'm so sorry.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 09/03/2020 01:55

I'm so sorry for your loss. What an awful thing you are going through.

Almost every health professional, family member and friend has said words to the effect that his passing is probably a blessing in disguise due to his Downs Syndrome and having 3 other children under 10

Disgusting. I actually feel a bit sick. I'm amazed you haven't smacked any of them. I would have been very tempted. Absolutely appauling thing to think, never mind actually saying it to you. They should all be deeply ashamed of themselves.

A lot of people have a weird attitude to downsyndrome. For my most recent pregnancy I chose not to have a particular prenatal test that would have told us if the baby had down syndrome. I don't know what it would be called in England. Anyway, the amount of people who openly told me that I was being irresponsible was shocking. Most people thought that I had to find out out as soon as possible so that I could "do what needed to be done" at the earliest moment. Apparently it hadn't even crossed their minds that I wouldn't just automatically abort a baby with downsyndrome. When I told them I would want to continue the pregnancy regardless they mostly reacted by telling me that I was being very selfish. How could I allow someone like that to have to "suffer" through life.

It absolutely boils my blood. People can so cruel and nasty.

OP, in the nicest possible way, why the hell are you worrying about snapping at these people?

You ask how do I react to this?
My suggested response is to tell them to fuck off and get out of your face with their offensive views before you decide to cut them out of your life permanently.

Your baby died. Their reaction is horrifying. You owe these people nothing. Please just focus on looking after yourself right now and only surround yourself with people who support you. Don't waste another second worrying about how to react to people being offensive to you during this time.

puds11 · 09/03/2020 02:06

Oh my god! How awful of them!

I’m so sorry for your loss

Wa1kthisway · 09/03/2020 02:18

How do I react to this?
Some suggestions on how to respond:
"I'm sorry that you feel this way"
"This is an extremely painful time right now, I do not expect you to understand my feelings but please do not attempt to minimise them."
"Your comments are noted and are unwanted"
"I suggest you familiarise yourself with the choose your words carefully area of Tommy's website under baby loss. You have really upset me with your comments, our child was most wanted what ever their health conditions"

LiquoricePickle · 09/03/2020 06:02

I'm so sorry for your loss.

ColdAndSad · 09/03/2020 07:07

I am so very sorry for your loss. It's heartbreaking to lose a child, and I wish I could find some words that would comfort you.

It is not up to you to manage everyone else's feelings. When people say that awful, thoughtless thing it's fine for you to tell them it's offensive, hurtful, and wrong. Don't worry about offending them. Tell them how you feel if you want to. Or tell them to shut up if you'd prefer that. Or just tell them to leave. That's fine too. Whatever feels right for you. You and your partner have to do what's right for you right now, not worry about what other people might think.

I know it's little consolation, but the pain does ease with time. I had a baby who died soon after he was born and while I've never got over the grief of it, I have learned to live with the loss in a way that makes my days bearable. It's taken years, and I do still cry for him sometimes. But the pain is less now.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your partner can find some comfort in knowing your son was, and is, dearly loved.

x2boys · 09/03/2020 07:09

I'm sorry for your loss ,and I'm sorry people are saying these things ,my son as severe learning disabilities and he's the light of my life ,people can be incredibly insensitive .

Lougle · 09/03/2020 07:20

I'm so sorry you had so little time with your dear boy. YANBU in the slightest

Nanny0gg · 09/03/2020 07:24

dottiedodah · 09/03/2020 07:24

I think people come out with all sorts of platitudes to try to make you feel better .They dont always think.ATM your beautiful boy has died and you need time and space to breathe .My DM lost a baby who was stillborn and all people (including med staff!) could say was .oh well you are young enough to try again! (like thats any help).If you feel able to ,tell us about him dark or fair ? Long /short .What name did you choose ? We are hear 24/7 to post so whenever you want to you can post .Take Care OP Much love to you XX

Noconceptofnormal · 09/03/2020 07:28

Good grief, I can't believe someone would describe a child's death as a blessing in disguise, feel free to bite their stupid heads off!

I'm so sorry for your loss, your darling baby's life was far too short but you loved him, he was cherished and he won't be forgotten.

I will pray for him and for you. He mattered and his passing is every bit as tragic as any other baby.

I hope the messages here give you some comfort, that most people don't feel that way about your baby.

InsideNo · 09/03/2020 07:29

I’m sorry this horrible thing has happened to you. Wishing you and your family well.

FredaFrogspawn · 09/03/2020 07:33

People sometimes want to solve the problem of someone’s grief, they see it as their role to make their friend feel better.

Tell them they are making it worse and if they want to help, they should stop saying things like this.

I’m so sorry about your loss. It is such a devastating thing.

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