To just not reply to friend after being ghosted?

[ThatBloodySheepAgain]

Karen was a close friend of mine from childhood. We both moved away from the area for uni and fell out of touch as our lives diverged.
About 5 years ago we bumped into each other and it was really lovely. Our friendship started again and all was well for a year until she suddenly just ghosted me. No idea why. Was wracking my brains, wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.
Now I feel a bit pissed off tbh, and not ok with being treated like this. At the time of the ghosting Karen was getting very close with another friend who always seems to be getting in scrapes and the source of much drama; so I was kind of ok with the ghosting in the long run as it meant I could avoid all the drama.
Because of this when I received recent text from Karen I thought ‘not replying, avoid the drama’, however, a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance, #be kind and all that bollocks.
I think friend is naive and I should #bekind to myself and draw a firm boundary, and just ignore the text. So AIBU to just ignore/ ghost Karen? ( not real names)

It's completely your choice, you're under no obligation.

I've had something similar from a friend. I've no intention of having anything to do with her again. No drama or anything just there's no point. You have to be able to trust your friends...

I think I’d be very cautious of her if I did decide to reply.

Had you been trying to contact her and she didn't reply or was it a case of neither of you reached out?

If you'd tried to keep the friendship back then, and she wasn't interested, do not reply. She's really not worth the effort.

I would ignore the text. She did it to you without any worries so you should do the same. She obviously didn't value your friendship.

This is nothing to do with being kind or not. Karen hasn't reached out to you for help which you are heartlessly choosing to ignore, so your friend is confused about what being kind means. It's perfectly ok to have boundaries, and being ghosted seems a reasonable one to me.

The main thing is, do you want to rekindle this friendship? Personally I think it's run its course, and I don't need friends I have to be wary of.

I was ghosted by a friend a few years ago and it was one of the most painful and confusing times, I still struggle to get my head round it. If she ever got in touch with me I dont think I could bring myself to reply unless it was an explanation and apology. The trust is gone so whilst I would forgive and move on for the sake of my own mental well being, she still wouldn't be welcome in my life any more so the friendship would still be over.

What @KeepYourWigOn said. You should consult only your desire to resume the friendship or not.

I had tried to contact her once after ghosting. And for some reason I do feel really cautious about getting in touch, alarm bells are ringing but I’m not sure why.
@hiphopapotamuses yeah, that’s really sad but true. There just no point is there?
I’d really like to know why some pp’s have voted YABU; surely Karen is U in this?

I had something similar with a friend who essentially created a friendship group out of me and some of her other friends. After about a year of regularly going out all together/messaging most days, I couldn’t make a meet up one weekend and afterwards realised they’d made a whole new group chat and were going out without me.
Original friend then tried to get back in contact a few months later but I just deleted her message. Did she think I was going to see her again and not ask why I’d been kicked out of the group without a word

Something is telling you not to reply. Trust your instinct

@Moofart, it really fucks with your head doesn’t it? Replaying conversations, trying to work out what you did wrong. It doesn’t matter what she says I think because it’s the awful way she made me feel that I won’t forget. So yeah, the trust is totally annihilated.
@KeepYourWigOn, yep, I really don’t need friends I need to be wary of. Being kind does not mean being a bloody doormat.

#BeKind falls into #BeWussy so easily. Leave it be.

I had a similar thing happen a few years ago. it really knocked my self esteem

I was encouraged to "give it another go"
by my then boyfriend when she got back in touch. He suggested mitigating circumstances (Maybe her boyfriends controlling, she has maybe she has mental health problems etc.)
We met up for dinner, drinks and theatre and i didnt mention it - there was a fair amount of gushing/ "soooo good to see you"s from her, and lots of "what a great time we are having".
After that meeting we discussed going to see another crap show of her choosing and provisional dates. she reconfirmed a day she was free to meet and asked me to book tickets.
I messaged to ask if seats i am thinking of are okay, she ignored my whatapps all weekend then sent a shirty message saying she was busy?! and i should have checked with her before booking. leaving me with two ticket to see one of the worst movie to theatre adaptation ever made alladin. (Jasmine's nasally vocal fry made me want to stab my eardrums.)

So I was basically expensively ghosted / dumped a second time and it was awful. Dont put yourself through it.

Ps. Laura J. If you are reading this - hi! 👋 😁

Did she definitely ghost you before or was it just that life got in the way ? I've never ever ghosted anyone but sometimes life gets in the way and you loose contact or don't contact or simply forget , it doesn't mean you have done this purposefully , it's just the times goes by so quickly - could this be her reason ?

I’ve been in the same situation and I didn’t reply, I saw not replying as protecting myself as I knew it’d never be the same friendship again.

I think people misunderstand what being kind means and think it means giving people whatever they want. That isn't being kind, that is being a doormat. Being kind is ignoring rather than telling her to fuck off.

Go with your first instincts.

Kindness works both ways and she wasnt kind when she cut you off was she? She may have been struggling with something, but no excuse just to ghost someone. I wouldn't be unkind back but maybe a msg saying that you have been thinking about her over the years and that you hope she is well. I'd he inclined not to re ignite the friendship as you have both moved on.

A reason for ghosting might have been that she was suffering with depression or similar? I've had a friend do that to me. But then again, I've never been as close to her since and let her contact me not the other way round as I felt upset that she ghosted me when I needed her. So it's ultimately up to you, you don't need to reply.

Leave it , unless you want some closure and would like to let her know that you’ve no intention of reigniting the friendship due to XYZ.
I’ve definitely given a friend the chance to redeem themselves , but only when I was ready and to be honest was in a place where I didn’t care.
The friendship was never the same but at least when/if I saw the person I could be amicable and not feel awkward. I’m thinking about myself purely there.

Don't bother replying, she really isn't worth this much head space!

Always listen to you gut, it has your best interests.

sonjadog is right, all this 'be kind' stuff doesn't mean you have to put up with being treated like crap. You were kind. She wasn't. You don't owe her another shot OP, especially if alarm bells are ringing.

I think it depends on the circumstances of the ghosting. I hear the term on here so much and then it transpires that actually neither party made any effort to get in contact and the relationship/friendship fizzled out.

If you tried and she actually did ghost you then fair enough ignore her for your own protection. If there is anyway she could see it as you ghosting her also then she has been the bigger person reaching out.