To just not reply to friend after being ghosted?

[ThatBloodySheepAgain]

Karen was a close friend of mine from childhood. We both moved away from the area for uni and fell out of touch as our lives diverged.
About 5 years ago we bumped into each other and it was really lovely. Our friendship started again and all was well for a year until she suddenly just ghosted me. No idea why. Was wracking my brains, wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.
Now I feel a bit pissed off tbh, and not ok with being treated like this. At the time of the ghosting Karen was getting very close with another friend who always seems to be getting in scrapes and the source of much drama; so I was kind of ok with the ghosting in the long run as it meant I could avoid all the drama.
Because of this when I received recent text from Karen I thought ‘not replying, avoid the drama’, however, a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance, #be kind and all that bollocks.
I think friend is naive and I should #bekind to myself and draw a firm boundary, and just ignore the text. So AIBU to just ignore/ ghost Karen? ( not real names)

Exactly that diddl. Nada for 4 years, then ‘hiya, how are you doing?’. Wtf?

I might ask 'where did you go?' and see what she says. Ghosting is awful.

I pursued a friendship with a (long term) friend who went cold on me for far too long (didn't completely ghost, but didn't make any effort whatsoever).

At the time it felt like I couldn't let go, but when I eventually did I realised how toxic it had been to be constantly knocking on a door that had been slammed in my face.

You're worth more.

“Who’s this?” Would be my choice

It’s all too much drama for adults. “Ghosting” and ignoring and overthinking. Just text back and say hello, it’s not going to cost you anything. Just resist the urge this time to throw yourself back into her life. You can be casual friends with someone, limited to occasional texts or going for a drink or a coffee once a year. It doesn’t have to be so all or nothing.

Your alarm bells are ringing for a reason. It's important to listen to your gut instinct. Given that she's not currently part of your life (her choice), I wouldn't be ignoring my alarm bells and inviting her back in. Even if she's had big issues/has a good reason for not being in touch, she could mention this when attempting to re-connect, eg 'sorry I've not been in touch, X happened and I've been so busy/messed up/whatever. Would you like to meet for coffee?'

She hasn't made an effort to acknowledge that she's ghosted you. Not a good sign.

I've been through this too, and agree with PP that it is confusing and hurtful. My friend went from being a big part of my life to ghosting me completely. I will never know why. I did try to reach out and find out what had happened, but the upset of being completely ignored became too much. I doubt I'd reply now if she got back in touch. It has been 3 years.

Bugbhaer, that sound bizarre. Did you know the job-sharer? Something going on, maybe relating to your previous workplace? Did you leave on bad terms with someone who may have badmouthed you to your friend? Just possibly your two great losses made you extra sensitive? Maybe yourfriend just didn’t have good social skills?

You don’t need experiences that anyway. I hope your life is happier now.

I’d ignore. From what I’ve read previously about ghosting on MN, it rarely ends with a satisfactory explanation and an apology.

If you raise it with her she’ll probably either laugh it off or say you’re remembering it ‘wrong’.

If you’re instinct is making alarm bells ring, block her and forget her.

I did have a friend who alternated demanding to see me all the time, and refusing to speak to me until I’d apologised for my ‘neglect’ of her.
Such a relief when she finally dropped me so insultingly that i felt comfortable simply refusing to let her back into my life.

I wouldn’t bother.

I had a friend like this. Though we’re friends on fb, I don’t comment on her posts as she’s instantly wanting to meet up which I’ve ignored as she’s ghosted me a few times in the past. It’s always ‘let’s meet up on Wednesday for a coffee’ Tuesday comes, ‘where do you fancy for coffee still ok?’ No reply. Can’t be doing with that bullshit.

I've been in your position with a friend from school. It was always me making contact and in the end when I decided to stop trying there was no contact - don't reply, it really isn't worth it!

@Thinkingabout1t thank you for getting it.

I left on good terms, but I think my leaving was the final straw for the department and it went through a tough time, and I did wonder if there was a bit of bitterness to those of us who had "escaped" after we'd lost touch.

It was confusing and hurtful to know that they took some pleasure in my losses, and I do think that there was regret afterwards, hence her making contact since. I'm just left with a feeling of "No hard feelings, but no thank you".

Things are much better nowadays . I have learned how to live with my loss, although even now I sometimes forget that she's gone and have that awful "catching" feeling when you remember a second later.
I wish my ex well. He's a good man who was just struggling with shock and grief and turned to the wrong person for comfort. He's met someone else, I think she's a bit of a handful, and they have their own struggles.

God, this is helpful to talk about.

Instincts exist for a reason. I'd listen to them. Also being kind doesn't mean being a doormat and letting people walk all over you.

I would reply ''Hi Karen, good to hear from you, hope you're well, but can you explain what's going on here?''

So not rude but clear that you're not a doormat. Clear that you feel you'd be owed an explanation if you resumed a friendship.

Listen to your gut. I'm very suspicious of anyone who drops you like a stone and then reappears years later as if nothing has happened with no mention of their crappy behaviour. If she'd offered an explanation, i'd be more likely to respond but to just ignore the fact she dropped you with no explanation says a lot about her character.

I'd ignore. She sounds like a user and a fair weather friend. You dont need toxic people in your life like that.

I had this happen twice and reo completely different scenarios

1. Girl I was friends with from 8 years old and all through high school. When we were in unit it felt like I was the only one initiating contact during our breaks and she had found and was keeping up with the popular crowd (reversed situation in primary me being the popular child and welcoming her when noone would talk to her, as well as same thing when she transferred to my high school). I was the only one making a 200mile round trip to see her so decided after the last call I made I would leave it to her to initiate contact. Haven't heard a peep from her in 10 years and even though I bumped into her a year after we spoke on the phone and she promised to call and get in touch. I am well rid.

1. Friend I was incredibly close to in uni, we supported each other through major life changes and kept in touch. She got into a very abusive, controlling relationship in a different country and cut contact with everyone as he controlled access to her phone, email. She said she often thought about getting in touch but felt she wouldn't
2. Be safe
3. Able to be a good friend as it would be intermittent contact and she would probably alienate her friends as the discussion would be around her issues
4. Wasnt in a position to leave yet.

She got in touch as soon as she was safe and out of that bad relationship and we are closer than ever. Abuse is a horrible animal and you do love your abuser and make excuses for them, friends will hold him up to task. Some of our friends didn't forgive her and that's their choice but she honestly is a good friend

If you're curious as to why she did this, you could reply and see if she offers an excuse and apology. Sometimes people can't cope very well with life and don't reply to messages. If you do reply, I wouldn't get in too deep as she will probably revert to the same behaviour at some point down the line. But maybe make her see the error of her ways and ask why she ignored you. It's not acceptable of her to do this regardless of what was going on in her life. She could have just replied briefly, or let you know that she needed some quiet time.

I'm nosy. So I'd reply but that wouldn't mean I'd be going back to being friends.
"Hi cf, I was really surprised to hear from you after you dropped me last year"

It's your choice; you're not obliged to respond. However, I am in the minority in thinking that, if the friendship was good to start with, you should give the friend a chance to explain the situation. She might have been physically or mentally ill; suffering from domestic abuse or coercion; or preoccupied with caring for a relative with dementia or life-threatening illness. If it turns out that she is just capricious and unreliable, then obviously you don't need her as a friend; but I think she should be given a chance first.

I would reply with, "hi, you blocked me on x, what on earth happened to you?!"

She might have been physically or mentally ill; suffering from domestic abuse or coercion; or preoccupied with caring for a relative with dementia or life-threatening illness

OP said she was still going out with other friends though, it was only her she dropped.

Also, with regard to MH issues or looking after ill family, why on earth wouldnt you tell your friend that? people arent mind readers, you cant expect to just drop them when its inconvenient for you then just pick them back up years later with no explanations. It doesnt matter if you've had a genuine reason to be busy- you at least owe them an explanation as to why you treated them so shabbily. Even if you had a "good reason" it doesnt make the behaviour any less hurtful for the person on the receiving end of it because they have no idea why they've just been discarded without warning. It takes 30 seconds to text "hey, i'm sorry i havent been in touch, ive been struggling with XYZ and I dont want you to think i'm being distant with you. I'll be in touch when things settle a bit"
Thats really not hard to do, nor is it asking too much for a supposed good friend.

I think you are overanalysing the situation, instead of running al kind of theories about what happened, go for a coffee together, if you enjoy her company, stay in touch, if not just let it fizzle out.

Honestly, friends come and go, don’t deal with this as if she was a romantic partner who has wronged you in the past. People have lives and often disappear to deal with them, it doesn’t have to be about you.

I'd ignore her. I have an old friend who has ditched me since having a baby and it became obvious toward end of my pregnancy and around birth she was punishing me for something. God knows what because she only saw me twice in 9 months (her doing). If she ever contacts me again I'll be ignoring her.

Be blunt. Ask her straight out.

Hello Karen. I've not heard from you in x months/years. What is the reason your now back in touch?