To just not reply to friend after being ghosted?

[ThatBloodySheepAgain]

Karen was a close friend of mine from childhood. We both moved away from the area for uni and fell out of touch as our lives diverged.
About 5 years ago we bumped into each other and it was really lovely. Our friendship started again and all was well for a year until she suddenly just ghosted me. No idea why. Was wracking my brains, wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.
Now I feel a bit pissed off tbh, and not ok with being treated like this. At the time of the ghosting Karen was getting very close with another friend who always seems to be getting in scrapes and the source of much drama; so I was kind of ok with the ghosting in the long run as it meant I could avoid all the drama.
Because of this when I received recent text from Karen I thought ‘not replying, avoid the drama’, however, a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance, #be kind and all that bollocks.
I think friend is naive and I should #bekind to myself and draw a firm boundary, and just ignore the text. So AIBU to just ignore/ ghost Karen? ( not real names)

It doesn't sound like she brings much value to your life, so why bother, really?

She sounds like a cat playing with it’s food

I was ghosted by a close friend 2 years ago- she was a uni friend, and she has form for ghosting other friends. I wouldn’t reply to her now- and I really regret dragging myself to her wedding when desperately unwell, because she clearly wasn’t worth the effort.

I would ask her why she ghosted you?

Don’t need to be friends with her again. But an explanation would be good

Does she like her life to be better than yours. Eg you had a boyfriend job and flat so she couldn't deal with it. Now she's got a new house and wants to tell you about it.

Or she only needs you when she wants support

I've been ghosted in the past by several so called friends. Over the last 3 years, I could have done with some friends in my life for various reasons, but they left me when I needed them most and I would never ever have them in my life again.

Do what you want ! If you don’t want to speak just ghost her back
Life is too short for relationships that upset you

Gah I’d want to ask her why she treated you like that - I certainly wouldn’t just pick up as if nothing happened. I guess you just need to ask yourself if you want her in your life and if you’re not bothered then ignore the message

I'd ask her outright why she is contacting you after blatantly dropping and ignoring you previously as it left you wondering what you had done - could she explain ? Can't see how you could ever have a hope of continuing a friendship without confronting the elephant in the room, and if you never hear from her again nothing is lost anyway from current position of not replying to her. Just means you're not lowering yourself to her ghosting level.

If she ghosted you then not a friend!

I wouldn’t ignore until you’ve talked and found out why. Very often when a friend vanishes like that it’s because they are dealing with something really hard that they have trouble talking about. Ghosting back is just kind of petty, especially if it’s because she lost her dad, a baby, had a breakdown, found out her brother was on heroin, got raped. Maybe she was just being selfish but maybe not. Wouldn’t you want to know? And she should know why you are hesitant to be close again. In the first year after I was carjacked and raped there was all of one female friend I could tolerate. Apart from not wanting to talk about it anyone who was in the least bossy or maternal I just couldn’t handle. If I communicated by text I could well have ghosted. I was living moment by moment without much awareness of what I was doing.

The choice is totally yours and you should do whatever you are happy with. I'd probably reply just in case they need help/support etc with something like 'hi! Hope you and yours are well. It's been a while'. Non committal, not rude, ball in her court.

IMO, YABU with the fabricated narrative you've now interpreted as 'fact' in your head. You were being ghosted but you have no idea why it happened. You also have no facts to confirm your view of the relationship with the 'new friend'. And you also don't know what her relationship with other friends is like - SM is so far removed from reality that we shouldn't use it as a reflection of real life.

FWIW, If this was me - I'd have to ask why she'd contacted me.

"Hi Karen. What a surprise to hear from you. It's been so long.

I hope all is OK with you and yours - if you need help/support etc, please let me know.

To be honest, I didn't expect to hear from you again. I assumed I'd inadvertently upset /annoyed you as you totally ghosted me. At the time, I was quite upset and agonised for quite a while as to what may have happened. All water under the bridge now, however before engaging again - I'd need some sort of explanation. Hope you can see my POV.

As I said, I'm here if you need help/support.

Take care"

Yep- that happened to me after I called friend after a gap of a few months, due to family issues. She gave me a bollocking for not being in touch, totally overlooking the fact that she could have picked up the phone. Then after that nothing despite Christmas cards etc- now written her out of my life. Want to spend time and energy on real friends!

you don’t have to be in touch with anyone in your personal life who doesn’t make you feel good, sod anyone else’s input. End of story.

Just consider why she might have ghosted you. Maybe it wasn’t ghosting, maybe there was something happening in her life, mental health issues, personal crisis etc which caused what you perceive to be ghosting as she was struggling with normal relationships. Not everyone can talk about their problems. I had similar and it took a lot for me to reach out when I was able and what it had shown is who my real friends are, those who let me in without explanation, just accepting my apologies. Maybe she is desperate and needs support and has had to build up courage to contact you. If all my friends were like you I’d have tried suicide as I was on the edge when I finally reached out. Thinking beyond your own feelings until your proven right is surely what a true friend would do

See here’s the thing. If I’d had personal issues that meant I ignored a friend for 4 years and then I wanted to get back in touch, I’d send them a message apologising for being out of contact and say I’d had things going on in my life at the time and would really like to catch up now.

I wouldn’t send a “hi how are you” basic message after such a long absence.

No. I'd leave it. Safe bet she wants you for something, whether it's moral support or something else. I'm pretty crap at replying to texts, but 4 years? Nah. You're alright.

Friends like family , it has to be reciprocal. Trust your gut

If she actually said something like 'Hi, I am so sorry for not being in contact....bla bla bla' and had a good reason or excuse, fine. But to contact you out of the blue, with just that? Nope, that is rude. Absolutely very rude and insulting, and you are certainly not being unreasonable to not reply and to ignore her.

.

Up to you but I voted YABU and here’s why...

There’s nothing wrong with being civil, you don’t have to be best buds but often it’s nicer if things are left easy without the tension.

You’ll be more wary anyway this time round so probably wouldn’t allow it to happen or would realise quicker why or if it was going to happen again.

Did she ghost you or did life or an issue just get in the way of keeping in touch? There may have been a genuine reason?

If you don’t want to keep in touch don’t, I’m not into all the #bekind bollocs, sometimes life is simply easier without people. If you think it’d be nice to be back in touch go for it, if not don’t.

I have had this done to me by a friend. This is what I’ve decided to do - be as nice and lovely as I always have been. Remind her what she’s missed. Make her regret her decision. If you question her she’ll just find it awkward and disappear, if you ghost her right back then she’ll have confirmation that her actions were right. So, do the opposite and show her she’s wrong. I know you probably feel hurt and confused but I wouldn’t let her know that. She’s the one that missed out, not me. I won’t be picking up the friendship I had but I do enjoy pretending to be nice like nothing has happened.

It’s a difficult choice to make, 5-10 years ago I’d have replied, mostly to find out what happened. Now though, I’d just ignore. Too old for all that crap.
She’s still on social media and replying to others, and posting stuff. If she’s not commenting on your posts or liking them, then let her go.
I have very old friends that I still go on holiday with every so often. They all still live in our home town and I don’t, so they are in contact a lot of the time whereas I do most of my contact on FB or WhatsApp. It hasn’t changed our friendship and when we meet up it’s like no time has passed at all. If I felt that they were different with me or it wasn’t ‘right’ when I met up I’d withdraw. Any hint of ghosting and I’d be gone.