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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not reply to friend after being ghosted?

152 replies

ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 08:36

Karen was a close friend of mine from childhood. We both moved away from the area for uni and fell out of touch as our lives diverged.
About 5 years ago we bumped into each other and it was really lovely. Our friendship started again and all was well for a year until she suddenly just ghosted me. No idea why. Was wracking my brains, wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.
Now I feel a bit pissed off tbh, and not ok with being treated like this. At the time of the ghosting Karen was getting very close with another friend who always seems to be getting in scrapes and the source of much drama; so I was kind of ok with the ghosting in the long run as it meant I could avoid all the drama.
Because of this when I received recent text from Karen I thought ‘not replying, avoid the drama’, however, a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance, #be kind and all that bollocks.
I think friend is naive and I should #bekind to myself and draw a firm boundary, and just ignore the text. So AIBU to just ignore/ ghost Karen? ( not real names)

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 08/03/2020 13:24

OP clearly said.. she tried to contact the friend... and got no response... this is not down to OP and drifting apart...

YourVagesty · 08/03/2020 13:25

Just ignore her. Unless she apologises and has a (very) good explanation of course.

JemSynergy · 08/03/2020 13:26

I was ghosted by a friend when I was 20, we'd been friends since school. Out of the blue she stopped answering my calls. I remember being really upset, I was young and didn't know what I'd done wrong. Years later she reached out to me on social media, she apologised to me and said she was going through some stuff at the time so it was "all her" and not me. I still felt slightly hurt because we'd been best friends for so long but I brushed it off and accepted her apology replied back etc - it was good to clear things up. However, as she had moved so far away from where I was living we didn't really pick up our relationship, we speak on social media occassionally but I still remember how hurt I was when she just cut me out.

nosleepp · 08/03/2020 13:27

Ignore her unless there’s an apology

Toogramtogiveadamn · 08/03/2020 13:43

If someone ghosts me I won't have any more to do with them. It's very childish and pathetic and if someone can't communicate I don't want to see them.
This

GrouchoMrx · 08/03/2020 13:44

Do whatever you want to do. It's not really a big deal and I wouldn't over think it.

If you don't want to meet her, you are under no obligation to re-establish contact. After all, it's not like she was a close friend or family member.

Wereallsquare · 08/03/2020 13:52

I had a friend like this. We were very close, mutually reliant friends, often agreeing to do big favours for each other as expats in a country rather hostile to foreigners.

I only refused her one favour because I found it unreasonable, but I offered her an alternative. It was not a favour she really needed me for - it was just about convenience to her.

We were fine for years after.

The last favour I asked for, she agreed to, even with my making clear that I would understand if he said no. It was time -sensitive, so imagine my disappointment when she let me down and ghosted me. Cowardly.

Then almost 2 years later, she contacted me out of the blue. no mention of letting me down. Just a long catch-up email. I foolishly replied, but was just too resentful to continue to reply to her sudden barrage of friendly replies. I ended up not replying to her again.

If you are not resentful or if you feel like confronting Karen, then you might want to reply. I wouldn't bother, though.

Original poster
ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 13:56

@gingersausage, you appear to have invented one hell of s backstory regarding mine and Karen’s friendship. Resist throwing myself back into her life? Hmm
Firstly we did not have that kind of friendship, given we were adults with families, jobs etc. No long phone calls, text contact usually, meet up for coffee and chat etc.
Yes, you can have the kind of friendship where you meet up occasionally but 4 years is kind of pushing it don’t you think?

OP posts:
UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 08/03/2020 14:02

Just a thought, what if she's gotten into MLM! Grin
An old acquaintance contacted me out fo the blue a few years ago, how nice I thought, but really she wanted to sell me aloe Vera!

daisychain01 · 08/03/2020 14:09

If she was my friend and ghosted me, I'd always have a nagging feeling in the back of my head that she has the capacity to switch off the friendship like a light switch again. Trust takes a long time to build up and maintain, and a moment to lose, which she has failed to realise by thinking she can waltz back into your life so easily.

If you already have a good friendship network, go for quality not quantity!

daisychain01 · 08/03/2020 14:13

I don't think it sounds like a drifting, but an intentional act of ghosting by the friend. They clearly didn't want any further involvement with the OP otherwise they would have made contact a lot sooner than 4 years ago, that's a loooong time!

daisychain01 · 08/03/2020 14:15

She probably wants to flog a load of anti-bac sanitizer at 20 quid a pop @UserThenLotsOfNumbers Grin

DontBe · 08/03/2020 14:17

Yes I hadn’t thought of MLM! Didn’t that happen to another poster on here? Someone got back in contact only for the OP to find it was purely to try and sell their MLM.

Davespecifico · 08/03/2020 14:33

She definitely wants something, and it’s most likely to be help with a problem, to fill the aisle another friendship has failed or to recruit you into some MLM scheme.
I wouldn’t reply.

StrangeLookingParasite · 08/03/2020 14:36

I fell down the hole (depression) pretty seriously a couple of years ago. I suppose I "ghosted" everyone, though.
I am extremely fortunate that one of my friends stayed in contact with me, despite getting me out of the house being like pulling teeth. She is a truly great friend (and if you see this, JS, it's you !).

Josette77 · 08/03/2020 14:38

Was she ignoring you, or you just messaged her once and you both never spoke again? You aren't answering anyones questions about this? Does she think you just grew apart?

CatherineOfAragonsPomegranate · 08/03/2020 14:42

Strange did you maliciously block everyone, stop them seeing your SM remove them from Whatsup etc?

Or did you just go inside yourself?

If the former well, I have a poor opinion of that, but if the second that's understandable to an extent.

I have another friend who we talked on SM but she hasn't called me back, I know she's just incredibly busy and stressed. No probs. She didn't block me on her phone. We're drifting.

Original poster
ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 14:44

@josette77 I messaged her, she read it, no reply. No contact on SM either.
I wasn’t going to bombard her with texts as that’s a bit needy and I’m not.
Haven’t spoken since.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 14:45

I suppose it could be MLM but I don’t know, I haven’t replied!

OP posts:
StrangeLookingParasite · 08/03/2020 14:47

Strange did you maliciously block everyone, stop them seeing your SM remove them from Whatsup etc?

Oh no, not at all. I moved as little as possible (it was a pretty bad time).

apoetsmuse · 08/03/2020 14:51

she may just be one of those come easy go easy people which is fine but may be you want a friend who is more reliable?

JudyGemstone · 08/03/2020 15:01

I had a friend do this - she was actually a cunt to me many times over our friendship, lots of 'wendying' whenever I got close to someone else and bitching about me to other people we knew.

It's a shame coz she could be great company, and I know she only behaved in this way as she was deeply insecure but I binned her off for good when I got wind of the slagging off starting yet again.

When she reached out to me years later I was polite but distant and that's all I'm prepared to give her. She had enough chances.

BillysMyBunny · 08/03/2020 15:17

So you text her once and she didn’t reply and since then neither of you made any contact with each other, although remained friends on social media? That’s hardly being ghosted!! Sorry but you sound very dramatic if you have been agonising over what you did wrong based on not receiving a reply to a a single text. It’s very easy to accidentally forget to respond to a text and whilst she hasn’t made contact over the last 4 years neither have you.

If there had been a pattern of you trying to make contact and her ignoring I could see why you would be upset but what you have described is not being ‘ghosted’ and neither of you have really made any effort over the last 4 years. She is reaching out now so it sounds like she wasn’t deliberately ignoring or ghosting you, she may not even realise/ remember that she’d missed replying to a single text message 4 years ago and may be wondering why you’ve not been in touch as much as you are.

sunshineANDsweetpeas · 08/03/2020 15:41

I had this and I ended up contacting her mum as I was concerned.... her mum said she was suffering from depression and not to take it personally. She popped up on fb a fair few years later and added me. I accepted and we chatted a little but I kept her at arms length. Our relationship was never the same. As awful as depression is I'm always wary of getting too involved in case she disappears again

Original poster
ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 15:48

@BillysMyBunny we were still friends on SM but she didn’t respond time on it. So I’d comment to her on it but get no reply whilst she would respond to others. It was pretty obvious ignoring. She’s pretty active and responsive on SM but it was like I hadn’t commented/asked question.
So I texted and no reply. I’m not agonising but I’m pretty pissed off at being dropped and then picked up again with no explanation.

OP posts:
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