To just not reply to friend after being ghosted?

[ThatBloodySheepAgain]

Karen was a close friend of mine from childhood. We both moved away from the area for uni and fell out of touch as our lives diverged.
About 5 years ago we bumped into each other and it was really lovely. Our friendship started again and all was well for a year until she suddenly just ghosted me. No idea why. Was wracking my brains, wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.
Now I feel a bit pissed off tbh, and not ok with being treated like this. At the time of the ghosting Karen was getting very close with another friend who always seems to be getting in scrapes and the source of much drama; so I was kind of ok with the ghosting in the long run as it meant I could avoid all the drama.
Because of this when I received recent text from Karen I thought ‘not replying, avoid the drama’, however, a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance, #be kind and all that bollocks.
I think friend is naive and I should #bekind to myself and draw a firm boundary, and just ignore the text. So AIBU to just ignore/ ghost Karen? ( not real names)

a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance
bit of a red flag there imo.

I'm with @gingersausage on this, I think it very much depends on your expectation of friendship.

I'm married, two kids, full time work, look after elderly parents and find it hard to keep up with everyone all the time. One particular close friendship I had to explain that I could not commit to what they wanted in that friendship (she was going through relationship issues at the time and I felt I was filling the void that her partner left). I had another friend who would call every week for an hour at a time, and also wanted to meet up every fortnight. It was too much for me and I had to tell them I needed some time to myself. It was hard to do, I'd avoided doing it for some time because I felt so guilty, that they needed me. But I had to put myself (and my family) first.

I see an old school friend every couple of months or so, and when we reconnect it's fine, because we both have the same expectation.

So, what is it you both want from friendship and does it match? If not, no hard feelings and move on.

I'd just reply Hi, how are you, it's been years! Have a catch up but put NO expectations on it. A meet up, maybe, if it suited me at the time, but otherwise, no. Clearly your friendship expectations and hers don't match.

I'd ignore her

I would too. The whole point about "be kind" is that you treat people the way you want to be treated. The friend in this scenario hasn't been kind at all- she's treated the OP like a kleenex tissue she can use when she feels like and dump the next. Thats not being kind at all- its unkind. You dont treat friends like that.
You owe her nothing, if anything she owes you an apology. I'd ignore- thats the "kindest" thing to do in this case.

Even if she's had big issues/has a good reason for not being in touch, she could mention this when attempting to re-connect, eg 'sorry I've not been in touch, X happened and I've been so busy/messed up/whatever.

^This! People might well have problems and/or MH issues, but that doesn't mean that other people don't have feelings or can't be hurt by their actions.

Ignore her.

She might ghost you again in the future.

I've had a ghoster get back in touch again after several years of no contact.

Turns out she had got involved in a weird cult-like group, a bit like an MLM but life-coaching, 'self-actualisation' stuff, and was trying to recruit people. Blocked her, obviously.

'Be kind' doesn't mean keeping quiet when people treat you like shit.
This. Also Be Kind to yourself and save yourself more emotional ups and downs with this ghosting friend. Your other friend sounds bloody misguided as well.

Your other friend sounds bloody misguided as well

I agree. I'm beginning to think those who trot out the "be kind" thing are no the sharpest tools in the box. They seem to be completely misunderstanding the point of kindness.

eg. Q: "my friend stole my credit card and racked up 20k of debt, she also slept with my husband behind my back, pushed my elderly mum on the ground and she broke her hip and stole my car what should I do?"

A: BE KIND! you dont know what she might be going through!

What do you mean by ‘ghosted,’ because if you still have her on social media it doesn’t sound like she ghosted you? My understanding of the term ghosted is that it’s when somebody completely removes you from their life with no warranting, Eg: blocks your number, removes you from all social media, purposefully ignores any attempts to get in touch - they basically become a ghost as if they never existed in your life.

Has this friend actually removed you from their life through blocking you/ deleting from social media etc or have they just not bothered to be in touch? How many times have you actually tried to get in touch only to find there was no response or that the contact method was blocked?

If all she’s done is not bother to contact you but the lines of communication (Eg: social media) have remained open then that’s not really ghosting and if you haven’t bothered to contact her either in that time then the lack of contact really falls on both of you.

I wouldn't. She probably wants something.

I wouldn't reply at all. She's not worth the effort of a reply.

I would definitely listen to your instincts. However, I would also bear in mind that these things don't have to be 'all or nothing'. Gently confronting the issue could establish a new status quo and might also benefit your self-esteem and perhaps even give you some closure on the 'ghosting'.

How about replying with something like: "Hi! I'm surprised to hear from you after all these years. I was sorry to lose touch with you. What happened?" Her reply could well tell you whether to continue or not.

I’m not as nice as most people... I’d be far more blunt. “If I were to look at the previous patterns of our friendship, I would assume that for you to be inspired to re-establish contact after ghosting me for four years you must have some pretty serious drama going on. What do you want?”

I've been ghosted by a friend not too long ago. I send her messages but didn't hear from her so I let it go. 4 months after we meet by chance and she was all lovely hi how are you I missed you and the next day send me a message accusing me I didn't text her anymore and it was my fault for not wanting to stay in touch. I had the message history and it was clear I messaged her but she was the one who didn't bother to answer.
She ghosted you once what makes you think she won't do it again?
If you want to be kind be kind to yourself and don't put you thru that again.

I wouldn't even bother replying.

Karen sounds like a crap friend, who doesn't deserve a response.

being kind is ignoring rather than telling her to fuck off grin

This. All this 'be kind' and 'give another chance' when someone treats you like shit? Be kind to yourself and them and walk away without a response, no drama, no falling for social conditioning that leaves you treated like shit.

It’s a difficult one, I had a similar thing, best childhood friend, been through thick and thin (altho she could be flakey, this annoyed my BF now DH) suddenly started ghosting me back in 2010 when we were in our late 20’s - we think it had a lot to do with her controlling DP and now DH, as like yourself we couldn’t think of anything that might have happened. At the start of 2014 I launched my own businesses and she must have heard. She sent me a really lovely message saying congratulations etc. and how proud she was I’d finally done it. It blindsided me as it was so heartfelt, but I couldn’t understand how you could feel like that towards someone you’d not spoken to for nearly 4 yrs, and about 18 months previous to that we saw each other in a gym nr my wk - she literally ran off when she saw me!!! I was so angry still and didn’t even respond to the message.

It was childish of me and I regret it all the time. We might not have rekindled our friendship but I wish I’d of at least responded to what was clearly some form of olive branch, I do miss her still, especially now I’m older and have my own children.

I know perfectly well what you mean about avoiding drama but just, take a step and really think about it first. This other friend might not even be a significant part of her life anymore.

oh my days, this thread has reminded me that I was ghosted by a girlfriend (as in romantic relationship) after a year together, and I allowed her to come back and then ghost me TWICE MORE! I was a lot younger then, it wouldn't happen now. I wouldn't let Karen in, OP, it lets her think she can do it again and again.

Ignore her OP... she's clearly in need of you for help with something.. she's a User and a Loser... ignore and block 🌺

I'd be sorely tempted to reply with "who IS this?" and see if she bothered responding again.

But I agree that if your gut instinct is to ignore it, then that's probably what you should do.

@EmmaBridgewater20 that sounds like a controlling partner who knew you were a threat. My own controlling x hated the people who saw something in me, ykwim? any superficial friends i'd just met through work, he'd no comment on, but long life friends who would say ''you should write'' or ''you're so funny'' or friends who would give up their time to help me, he hated them. I left him. There is one friend who was a close friend before ''all of that'' and we haven't re-kindled the friendship. She could just never understand as she has and still has a very happy marriage. But i don't think less of her for not getting it. And even if she did get it, she doesn't owe it to me to be my friend any more. We just didn't ''feel'' it any more even after I left and started again.

Sometimes you go through so much that friends just have such different perspectives.

Depends what you mean by ghosting. Did she just stop contacting you so you never contacted her either or was she deliberately ignoring your attempts? You say you contacted her once after the ghosting but was that after she had ignored other attempts?

If you tried to maintain contact a few times and got nothing at all back despite your efforts I think you’d be justified to not bother with her again.

If you think you’d be better off without the drama though you can just let it be. You don’t owe her anything.

Has this friend actually removed you from their life through blocking you/ deleting from social media etc or have they just not bothered to be in touch? How many times have you actually tried to get in touch only to find there was no response or that the contact method was blocked?

If all she’s done is not bother to contact you but the lines of communication (Eg: social media) have remained open then that’s not really ghosting and if you haven’t bothered to contact her either in that time then the lack of contact really falls on both of you.

@BillysMyBunny Has the balance right in my opinion.

I had a friend I considered a sister to me do the brutal cutting me off blocking access to her phone etc on purpose with zero explanation. Sent me into a depression she hurt me so much. The rejection was worse than any breakup I've ever been through. I forced myself to pray for her as it was the first time I think I got close to actually hating somebody that's how much it hurt.

I forgive her, and I wish her well, but she will never hear from me again and if I see her on the street I'll continue walking past unless she apologises.

I think she was down and did a scorched earth of her past. But it was cruel. Really bloody cruel.

But in your case, it seems more of a drifting which happens in life. Could be mental illness so I'd return contact but keep it light and more formal don't get too involved. That's reasonable imo.