Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just not reply to friend after being ghosted?

152 replies

ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 08:36

Karen was a close friend of mine from childhood. We both moved away from the area for uni and fell out of touch as our lives diverged.
About 5 years ago we bumped into each other and it was really lovely. Our friendship started again and all was well for a year until she suddenly just ghosted me. No idea why. Was wracking my brains, wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.
Now I feel a bit pissed off tbh, and not ok with being treated like this. At the time of the ghosting Karen was getting very close with another friend who always seems to be getting in scrapes and the source of much drama; so I was kind of ok with the ghosting in the long run as it meant I could avoid all the drama.
Because of this when I received recent text from Karen I thought ‘not replying, avoid the drama’, however, a good friend in real life thinks I’m being mean and should give her another chance, #be kind and all that bollocks.
I think friend is naive and I should #bekind to myself and draw a firm boundary, and just ignore the text. So AIBU to just ignore/ ghost Karen? ( not real names)

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 08/03/2020 09:16

I think it's reasonable to feel how you feel. Perhaps you could meet up- ask her why she disappeared? But I don't see that there can be any justifiable reason for it.

I suppose I had a similar situation (but the gap was 6 months) and I really lost it with the person when they messaged. Grin

I felt like saying 'you can't drop people and then pick them up again, you know that.'

Whataroyalannoyance · 08/03/2020 09:20

I was ghosted a year ago by a friend of over 30 years. I asked 3 times if there was an issue. I tried to find out why and was told there was no issue. At Christmas i got a message off of her saying she knew i wouldn't want to hear from her but she wanted to wish me a merry Christmas..i mean why? what was the point of her message. She had made the choice, not me. I replied and told her that she was the instigator of the breakdown in friendship not me and that messaging sounding like the wounded partner was out of order. Never heard back...shockingly.

DontBe · 08/03/2020 09:21

I wonder if the other friendship has finished so she’s coming back to you.

Either way, you don’t owe her anything. As a pp said, kindness works both ways.

SuburbanFraggle · 08/03/2020 09:22

I was deeply depressed for several years. I could go to work and put on a smiley face but was empty inside. I loved my friends but ghosted them because I couldn't cope with interaction.

gavisconismyfriend · 08/03/2020 09:22

It is possible that she has had some mental health issues and just couldn’t communicate for a while, equally possible that some of the PPs are right and she has been rude. Perhaps comment it has been ages and ask why. Depending on her response you can continue the friendship or not. Or don’t reply if that keeps you safer - as someone who has been your friend and had significant mental health issues, I’ve had to accept that sometimes I’ve hurt people by my lack of contact, albeit unintentionally, and that the consequence of that may be losing a friendship.

Chickychickydodah · 08/03/2020 09:22

Just ignore and move on and enjoy your life .

loutypips · 08/03/2020 09:23

I think that if your instinct is somethings wrong then you should follow that and not reply.

Tbh I'd probably reply with a sarky comment like "oh remembered who I am have you?" But I'm at the stage where I've been treated like crap by "friends" and can't take any more.

#bekind only works if it's working both ways. It's not an excuse to take the piss out of people.

withgraceinmyheart · 08/03/2020 09:24

'Ghosting' is such a broad term, it's difficult to say.

If it were me, I'd probably cautiously engage in the conversation and see how things go. Be aware that it might happen again and don't get too emotionally invested, but give her a chance to apologise/explain, or maybe just to have grown up a bit.

You might be able to rebuild the friendship, or you might get closure in some other way.

It's different for me though because I've got severe mental health problems, and have often not been able to stay in touch people when I'm not well. I try to give my friends as much of the benefit of the doubt as possible because I know that life is really hard sometimes.

I know I'm in the minority, just thought I'd give a different perspective.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/03/2020 09:27

she very clearly wants something from you.

Jellybeansincognito · 08/03/2020 09:28

If you respond you could ask her why she ghosted you though?

ABlackRussian · 08/03/2020 09:28

I had this. She got back in touch, so I replied: "Why haven't I heard from you for so long?!". Needless to say, she ghosted my ass, one again! I wasn't bothered, second time around.

NoveltyFunsy · 08/03/2020 09:30

wondering if I’d offended her but couldn’t come up with anything. It was very odd but I moved on and forgot about it until last week when she texted me. Just saying hi, no mention of ghosting, totally out of the blue.

So she stopped contacting you, you say you tried once?
What's the timeline (difficult to judge whether you both stopped talking?)
You don't know why or what was going on in her life, it could have been something major in her life, equally could have been you did actually piss her off

skyblu · 08/03/2020 09:33

Anything could’ve happened to her, in her life, perhaps the ‘ghosting’ as you put it, was actually absolutely nothing to do with you!
Perhaps she had some pretty large crap going on in her life that she had to deal with or she withdrew into herself, for whatever reason.
She’s reached out to you now.....So, as an adult, it’s now your decision on what type of ‘friend’ & human you want to be.

Original poster
ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 09:34

The thing is, it’s been a good four years so if ‘life got in the way’ or she had mental health problems, it doesn’t seem to have affected her other friendships (we’re still friends on SM which I may need to change actually).
I think I’ll be taking sonjadogs approach that being kind is ignoring rather than telling her to fuck off Grin
@withgraceinmyheart I do take on board that mental health problems cause social isolation and withdrawal but I really don’t think this is the case as I’m the only one she’s ghosted? But thank you for that perspective, it must be difficult when you’re not well.

OP posts:
Sumsuch · 08/03/2020 09:37

Did you try more than once to get in touch before, op?
It is possible for one text to go astray. Probably not more than one though.

Littlebean0506 · 08/03/2020 09:37

Someone I was friends with all through secondary school just stopped talking to me out of the blue a few years ago. She got back in touch because she wanted some money (didn't give it to her) so she stopped talking to me. She then started talking to me to randomly let me know she was having a baby and we were talking for a few weeks and again she just stopped replying, a month ago (over a year later) messaged to see how I was doing and wanting to meet up with me and my daughter, I have a really bad feeling about seeing her not sure why but I'm not seeing her and I think I'll just be ignoring any future messages as I can't be bothered with the whole making the effort when it suits

Original poster
ThatBloodySheepAgain · 08/03/2020 09:39

And actually, on reflection, when she did have major stuff going on, I was always the one she contacted. That’s actually been the pattern of our friendship since school days, I’m the shoulder to cry on. Maybe things were going really well in her life so I didn’t have a use to her iyswim.

OP posts:
ChicChicChicChiclana · 08/03/2020 09:40

I would have to reply to find out more. It wouldn't mean I would necessarily go back to being friends again but I would need to hear her side of it.

Ponoka7 · 08/03/2020 09:41

My DD has had similar happen and always asks outright why they thought it was ok to get back in touch.

She doesn't resume the friendship outside of social media, unless really bad mental health/DV has been involved.

MatildaTheCat · 08/03/2020 09:45

I have a very old ‘friend’ who has done nothing his on several occasions over the years. The difference being that she completely withdraws from all her friendships as far as I’m aware. However she still sends gushing Christmas cards full of, ‘friendship is forever ‘ crap.

Two years ago I was having a crap time and texted her several times over the year suggesting a cup of tea. No reply.

That’s it for me. Even if she has MH issues friendship is a two way street. I won’t be drawn in again.

pictish · 08/03/2020 10:02

It’s not something with a straight yes or no answer because it all depends on specifics.

From my own point of view, I probably wouldn’t take up with someone that ghosted me again. I’d see the situation as them having made their choice and opinion clear in the event...and that I am not a source of entertainment to be brought back into play when it suits.
If you toss me aside, I will get to fuck and stay there.

diddl · 08/03/2020 10:02

So no contact for 4yrs, then just "Hi" with no explanation?

Na, fuck that!

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 08/03/2020 10:06

'Be kind' doesn't mean keeping quiet when people treat you like shit. Saying something nasty wouldnt be kind. Ignoring her, replying with something vague that doesnt invite further conversation, or asking why you're hearing from her now after she ignored you for 4 years, is not unkind

madcatladyforever · 08/03/2020 10:11

If someone ghosts me I won't have any more to do with them. It's very childish and pathetic and if someone can't communicate I don't want to see them.

bugbhaer · 08/03/2020 10:12

This has reminded me of something that happened to me four years ago that I haven't really processed.

Within the course of a fortnight my partner and I suffered an unexpected bereavement and then he left me, feeling that his happiness lay elsewhere.

I had friends to lean on, but also realised that I needed to keep extra busy, so one of many things I did was to get in touch with an old colleague from a previous job. We'd been very good friends, but drifted apart after I left. I was so happy to be reconnecting with her, drove 60 minutes to her house and really I just wanted to hear her news and have a break from my own thoughts.

When I got there she'd invited her job share. They were smirking at me all the time and exchanging knowing glances. Talked all about themselves (great!) and when they asked me how I was it felt as if they were gloating. I can't quite explain.

Driving home I realised that you win some, you lose some. And it didn't matter who was in the wrong, but these weren't friends I could have in my life at that time.

Since then she's tried to friend me on FB, but I've declined (I only use it for news of groups I'm in in real life).

That's been really cathartic writing that out.