AIBU to think my DP is being a massive dick?

[flowersinavase9]

Long story short, I have been with my DP for three, almost four years. We have a DS who is 6 months old. Before we met DP had bought a house with his ex girlfriend a few years previous. Obviously that meant he has paid for the deposit, and the mortgage payments since etc. However when I moved in two years ago we decided to split bills down the middle, that obviously included the mortgage. As far as I was concerned it was both of our house (despite not being named on any paperwork etc).

As our DS is getting bigger we have decided we’d ideally like to move house, but we would consider remortgaging to carry out the work that needs doing for us to continue living here. We were having a conversation about moving the other day and DP said that if we did move, with our new mortgage contract he’d like to go in 60/40. I was fucking livid with this, he said it’s because of the years he’s paid for the house before we met, and the fact he paid for the deposit. I was under the influence us moving house would be a clean slate, and we’d go in 50/50 as we are now a family etc as we'd still split everything down the middle. We had a rather big row about it, and even now I still feel hurt. His reasonings were if we were to ever split he’d get 60 percent and I’d get 40, when that could be 15+years from now and we would have paid the exact same every single month for years. I just don’t see his reasoning. Yes it’s his house, and he has paid more than me over the years, but I can’t help that. I can’t seem to shake the argument, I feel like he doesn’t value me as his equal partner. Opinions please?

You want to be treated as a wife, but you’re not married.

The fair thing to do is to ring fence his sole contribution and then split the remainder equally. A solicitor will be able to advise on your options.

I agree with him. He has paid more overall towards the house.

I'd advise you to get married too.

50/50 split after his deposit money has been protected.

He can ring fence his bigger deposit in new house and then anything after that is 50/50

It's very sensible to draw up a proper agreement when buying a house with someone you are not married to and secure the money you each bring to the purchase. The deposit he originally paid for his house is his money and hes sensible to try and protect it - I'd advise any of my friends to do that.
If you get married then you can start thinking about joint assets and that's why marriage is a sensible idea when you have children.

yabu as you aren't married to expect this, i'd ring fence if i was him.

His deposit at the very least should be protected. If you were on here and it was the opposite way around everyone would be telling you to protect yourself. I’m with him YABU

I’d only expect him to ringfence the deposit. But given you are thinking through finances I would think through what you are contributing now and lessen yours immediately so you aren’t paying half his mortgage, as you will need your own proportion of the deposit. He doesn’t get it both ways.

You can’t help that he’s put more in over the years, but you could put more into this sale if you wanted it to be equal?

How are are your finances shared now that you have DS??

He's right and it's fair, so take some legal advice together. Even if you get married some would make a fair legal agreement in the case of a split. I don't agree with just "protecting his deposit" because in say 10 years that would be worth a lot less. A percentage agreed now. I think he's being generous really.

I agree with him. He paid the deposit and years before you moved in.

Why should he go 50/50? You’re not married, you just live together.

Agree with the PP.

You’re not married. Why would you just assume you’d get access to his previous savings / house deposit. That’s quite a foolish (and dangerous) assumption to make.

I’d also query if the ex had any claim on the house if they bought it together (or did he buy her out on the split) ?

If you’re moving together, then I’d think it’s fair to ringfence both parties’ deposits (whatever they may be) and the split any equity after that 50:50 (assuming an equal share of bills going forwards from the house purchase).

I’ve never understood why people believe they are entitled to money simply by virtue of having a child with someone. Giving up work / taking a hit career wise to look after kids is of course something to take into account, but in this case you appear to be after money he saved before he even met you. Why do you think you’re entitled to this ?

Oh - to clarify obviously child maintenance is a separate point and should be paid.

Sorry, another one saying if you're not married then I can understand why he'd want to ringfence what he's already put in.

You gont just sound unreasonable to me op, you sound like a bit of a CF as well tbqh.

I agree with him. When my partner moved in and a remortgaged we got it written up that I've owned 80% because I had that much put in before he moved in with me.

Sorry but the OP isn't just talking about him getting extra out based on what he did when he was with his ex, is she? So maybe he is contributing 10 grand (or 30, or whatever) to the new home more than her. But they then both pay toward the new mortgage. He is asking that she accept 40% of the sale price of the family home, even if it is 20 years down the line? Sod that.
I agree you'd be more protected if married but not being married doesn't make you some random who's wandered in odd the street. You are the mother of his child and presumably you have made the decision together to a) have the baby b) live together and not marry and c) that your income is likely to be affected by point a for the foreseeable future.
I wouldn't be happy about this OP. There must be a better way for him to feel his prior investment still counts, while not screwing over his partner down the line.

Is the ex still on the mortgage?

Agree with others: agreement to ringfence his initial deposit, then 50/50 on the rest.

And if you want to protect yourselves ... get married.

I see his point.

if your DP was my son I would advise him to do similar. You are not going in equal if your dp has a deposit higher than yours.

I think the 2 of you perhaps need a conversation about marriage/commitment as it sounds like you would like more than you currently have.

However, you are in a negotiation. Why not go back with ok you want 60/40 that means you pay 60% of the bills/mortgage too.

or...
We can safeguard your deposit however I would like the ownership to be 50/50 and we to equally share the bills and the value/loss of the house.

Just because he has an ideal doesn't mean it has to be that way. Don't get mad. Negotiate and work something out that makes you both feel valued.

I'm with your DP on this, although rather than just split 60/40 I think it would be fairest to work out who has put in what to date, and ringfence those amounts accordingly to each individual.

I think it is a difficult one. I bought with my partner after we had DC2 and its 50/50. Didn't consider doing anything else, despite him putting down a large deposit and earning more. Our circumstances were different though in that we both had our own properties. He still has a flat and I sold mine after the birth of DC1, the money from that was used for our rental for the year and other bits and bobs.So i did contribute prior to buying together. Is he expecting you to pay half the mortgage too or 40% or is he expecting you to SAHM now your a mum or reduce your hours. All of these need to be factored into the discussion