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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think my DP is being a massive dick?

161 replies

flowersinavase9 · 07/03/2020 22:49

Long story short, I have been with my DP for three, almost four years. We have a DS who is 6 months old. Before we met DP had bought a house with his ex girlfriend a few years previous. Obviously that meant he has paid for the deposit, and the mortgage payments since etc. However when I moved in two years ago we decided to split bills down the middle, that obviously included the mortgage. As far as I was concerned it was both of our house (despite not being named on any paperwork etc).

As our DS is getting bigger we have decided we’d ideally like to move house, but we would consider remortgaging to carry out the work that needs doing for us to continue living here. We were having a conversation about moving the other day and DP said that if we did move, with our new mortgage contract he’d like to go in 60/40. I was fucking livid with this, he said it’s because of the years he’s paid for the house before we met, and the fact he paid for the deposit. I was under the influence us moving house would be a clean slate, and we’d go in 50/50 as we are now a family etc as we'd still split everything down the middle. We had a rather big row about it, and even now I still feel hurt. His reasonings were if we were to ever split he’d get 60 percent and I’d get 40, when that could be 15+years from now and we would have paid the exact same every single month for years. I just don’t see his reasoning. Yes it’s his house, and he has paid more than me over the years, but I can’t help that. I can’t seem to shake the argument, I feel like he doesn’t value me as his equal partner. Opinions please?

OP posts:
YeahWhatevver · 08/03/2020 07:22

@mathanxiety

plus all of the value of the years with ex GF

Hold on - did he pay all of that or half of it?

He bought ex GF out so he owns all of their shared years outright

just5morepeas · 08/03/2020 07:28

This would be a deal breaker for me.

I'd be telling him I wasn't moving with him unless it was 50/50 from here on. I agree with other posters that talking about "if" you split up makes it sound like he's not fully committed to the relationship.

I'd also want to be making plans to marry since you have a child together. You need to protect yourself, op.

Flowers
adaline · 08/03/2020 07:29

This is why living with someone and having a child with them without the protection of marriage causes so many problems.

You're not married. If your name isn't on the current mortgage he can kick you out tomorrow and that's that. It's not your house so I don't why you've spent thousands of pounds on paint and plaster and carpet for it?

If you want financial security with this man then get married. You have very different ideas about how a relationship works and the law is currently firmly on his side.

Olawisk · 08/03/2020 07:34

How much deposit did he pay and how much equity is there ? He was paying the mortgage for how long exactly before you moved in?

cptartapp · 08/03/2020 07:36

Are you worse personally off financially each month though because you do more childcare? Are you paying as much into your pension as your DP is? Have you gone pt

cptartapp · 08/03/2020 07:38

^ 50/50 would redress the balance.

cptartapp · 08/03/2020 07:40

Either that or go 60//40 on the childcare. Which he'd love I'm sure.
He's winning on all fronts.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/03/2020 07:44

I agree with you OP. Ring fence his deposit then 50/50 on everything after that. Including childcare and housework.

Kawahara · 08/03/2020 07:45

Op are you still paying half the Bill's despite not working?

Kawahara · 08/03/2020 07:47

If he is working and she isnt childcare and housework isnt going to 50:50.
But then neither should bills, if she isnt working

Winter2020 · 08/03/2020 07:48

"we would consider remortgaging to carry out the work that needs doing for us to continue living here."

If you stay as you are, in the existing house with no change of ownership and no marriage never mind 60/40 if you break up in twenty years - it would be 100%/zero.

ellenpartridge · 08/03/2020 07:51

Yabu I'm afraid. I don't understand your logic on this one. You aren't married and it's his house!

SimonJT · 08/03/2020 07:55

Your not married and its his property.

My boyfriend and I are planning to move in together in about nine months, I own a flat, I paid a 35% deposit and I pay all of the mortgage. That will continue until we get married. Until we’re married he gets exactly a 0% share of the flat.

chipsandpeas · 08/03/2020 08:01

but by ring fencing his deposit and going 50/50 still means you would get a share of the equity he has built up over the years

no way would i let someone move in with me and take that

DontBiteTheBoobThatFeedsYou · 08/03/2020 08:01

I guess the alternative is for you to just pay 40% from here on out.

Not ideal but fair.

Nanna50 · 08/03/2020 08:02

I would ring fence whatever he had invested when you moved in two years ago, including deposit and the cost of buying the ex GF out and the fact he was paying for the house in its entirety, then go 50/50.

Would you be able to afford this house if he did not already own it? I think the mistake you made was assuming it was half your house when you moved in two years ago.

I have a good friend who is 60/40 as he earns considerably more than she does and she said she could never afford to live where she does without his contribution.

cptartapp · 08/03/2020 08:05

But she's making all the financial sacrifices to raise his child. I imagine his pension pot at the very least is growing nicely. He can only be a big earner as she's doing all the donkey work. She should be financially compensated somehow.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/03/2020 08:07

but by ring fencing his deposit and going 50/50 still means you would get a share of the equity he has built up over the years

We don't know how many years he had the house for before she moved in. Could've been 3, could've been 10.

dontdisturbmenow · 08/03/2020 08:22

Nothing is right or wrong without taking in the context. There's a big difference between moving in and discussing future marriage, and this is still very much in the table to do soon, and you moving in but transferring the money to him under the reference of 'bills and rent'.

If you've started paying 50% on the premises that you would be married soon, then yes, I think he is being unreasonable. However, if marriage has never been mentioned and it is the understanding of your relationship that it is not on the cards and you are just still testing the relationship and seeing how it goes, then it's position is reasonable, but before agreeing on any percentage share, you really need to work out all the finances and breakdown of what he's paid so far and what you've paid.

I think in such instances, what is hurtful is not so much the disagreement on the actual money but that you might see yourself in a more committed relationshionship than he does, and this highlighted that fact.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2020 08:34

I would ring fence whatever he had invested when you moved in two years ago, including deposit and the cost of buying the ex GF out and the fact he was paying for the house in its entirety, then go 50/50

And then start charging him for housekeeping, childcare and home improvements.

This is not a relationship, it's a heavily-weighted-in-one-direction business relationship.

Sushiroller · 08/03/2020 08:35

Without knowing specifics, the sums it sounds reasonable.

If you want 50/50 get married

adaline · 08/03/2020 08:48

But she's making all the financial sacrifices to raise his child. I imagine his pension pot at the very least is growing nicely. He can only be a big earner as she's doing all the donkey work. She should be financially compensated somehow.

Then she shouldn't have done all of that without getting married first.

As it stands, he's well within his rights to protect his assets. They're not married and have no legal connection.

SpaceDinosaur · 08/03/2020 08:54

Do the maths. Write it all out. In pounds and pence, not percentages.

How much deposit he paid
How much was the original mortgage and exactly how much he paid off.
How much of the mortgage currently is remaining and what's been paid off.
Exactly how much you have paid for the mortgage and bills since you moved in.
Exactly how much you have paid for the services you have hired to contribute towards the upkeep of the house.

The next level is to then take into account
How much you have sacrificed in your "lost" salary in order to stay at home and raise his child.
How much this has cost your pension
How much you pay for groceries

Looking at it written down may help you to appreciate his POV or to present a more balanced response to him.

Nanna50 · 08/03/2020 09:07

@Nanny0gg
And then start charging him for housekeeping, childcare and home improvements.

No it would be 50/50 from when she moved in, which was 2 years ago. Why would she need to charge him?

Before that he had paid the deposit, bought his ex out and paid the mortgage. That is what I would be protecting.

billy1966 · 08/03/2020 09:27

OP, protect yourself from him.

He is taking his money from his property and still wants 60% from any new property despite costs being a straight 50% split.

He does nothing with his child or home.

I would be very careful.
I hope you are returning to work and he is paying 50% of childcare.

He needs to pay for a cleaner if he does nothing in the house.

You are very very vulnerable OP.
Flowers

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