AIBU to think my DP is being a massive dick?

[flowersinavase9]

Long story short, I have been with my DP for three, almost four years. We have a DS who is 6 months old. Before we met DP had bought a house with his ex girlfriend a few years previous. Obviously that meant he has paid for the deposit, and the mortgage payments since etc. However when I moved in two years ago we decided to split bills down the middle, that obviously included the mortgage. As far as I was concerned it was both of our house (despite not being named on any paperwork etc).

As our DS is getting bigger we have decided we’d ideally like to move house, but we would consider remortgaging to carry out the work that needs doing for us to continue living here. We were having a conversation about moving the other day and DP said that if we did move, with our new mortgage contract he’d like to go in 60/40. I was fucking livid with this, he said it’s because of the years he’s paid for the house before we met, and the fact he paid for the deposit. I was under the influence us moving house would be a clean slate, and we’d go in 50/50 as we are now a family etc as we'd still split everything down the middle. We had a rather big row about it, and even now I still feel hurt. His reasonings were if we were to ever split he’d get 60 percent and I’d get 40, when that could be 15+years from now and we would have paid the exact same every single month for years. I just don’t see his reasoning. Yes it’s his house, and he has paid more than me over the years, but I can’t help that. I can’t seem to shake the argument, I feel like he doesn’t value me as his equal partner. Opinions please?

@WorraLiberty No it was not. Every single room except the kitchen has had to be refurbished. I have had to pay for professional to come in. Painters, plasters etc. Brand new carpet throughout.

@Oblahdeeoblahdoe No he does not. I do 99% of the household chores, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. Parenting is much the same. He sees DS for an handful of hours a day (he was a very demanding job in the city). The parenting he gets is the nice bits. The quick half an hour before bed when I'm absolutely fucking frazzled.

@bugbhaer A new house. However we have spoken about remortgaging to finish certain jobs. However I'm not sure what that would look like money wise. The new house would be 60/40. Even though he'd keep his full deposit. He still wants to do 60/40.

I agree with YOU OP... 🌺

The absolute nerve of him! I wouldn't only be hurt and angry OP, I'd be thinking about leaving him alone in his precious fucking house.

Is there a reason you haven’t got married?

No he does not. I do 99% of the household chores, washing, cleaning, cooking etc. Parenting is much the same. He sees DS for an handful of hours a day (he was a very demanding job in the city). The parenting he gets is the nice bits. The quick half an hour before bed when I'm absolutely fucking frazzled
Why am I not surprised? You have to either charge him for your time for the household chores and childcare or he 'gives' you the extra 10% he's so worried about.

I agree with him.

Known my house outright and hell would freeze over before anyone who hadn't paid into it staked a claim on it. I think 60/40 is extremely fair. It's money he'd scraped together before he'd even met you. You have no right to it.

So you are doing looking after his child and his house, cooking and washing for him and yet you both have separate finances. He landed on his feet with you, OP; didn't he?

He’s absolutely right. I encouraged my ex to do a tenants in common mortgage for this exact reason, as he had 30k deposit and I didn’t. Why shouldn’t be protect his investment. Really selfish of you to make him feel about this. Nearly everyone I know has done this or had a contract drawn up stating x person has a 50k deposit for example

If you’re genuinely talking about after protecting his deposit (eg it’s drawn up that he has x amount before any profit) then a 60/40 split is not fair. But your original post didn’t say that or make any reference to that. Surely that’s a huge piece of information to leave out. Why is he suggesting 60/40 then if his deposit is protected? As your post said it was because he had paid the mortgage for years before hand, so surely you would have told us that you’ve already agreed a deposit protection if that was the case.

How much of the mortgage has he paid prior to you contributing to the household (excluding the deposit), and he paid out his ex ( how much was that). That sounds like quite bit more that just ring fencing a deposit and then let's go 50/50.

Deposit + mortgage payments prior to you + buying out Ex = maybe 60/40 is reasonable.

I su

We argued because he wanted it 60/40 leading on from there. And I didn't see how that was fair/equal when we would both be contributing equally to the house and if it was sold etc I would get less.
flowersinavase9

I agree with you.

He is the CF here.

I would be very concerned about committing money, time (or God forbid the hit to your career of another child) to someone who is already talking about what will happen 'if you split' down the road. That sounds like swimming with one foot on the bottom on his part.

And this:
So you are doing looking after his child and his house, cooking and washing for him and yet you both have separate finances. He landed on his feet with you, OP; didn't he?
Coyoacan

After all of that, you have no protection at all because you're not married. Is he reluctant to marry? Or are you?

Any idea why he and his former partner split? Because I have plenty of ideas based on your posts here.

Seriously, start thinking about leaving this prize dick. If you're the one reluctant to marry, congratulations on your foresight. But you need to separate.

Sit him down with a calculator OP and work out how much a full time housemaid would cost him over the course of the mortgage, then deduct that from his 60%. Prick.

Pay in as much as he has then you can split it 50/50

Buy your own house OP... and claim CMS ... sounds like a better deal..

So he’s absolutely taking the piss. Wants a child and a nanny and a housewife and a partner who pays half the bills and mortgage but has no rights.
In a healthy loving relationship peoplewho work value the role their partners play in parenting and running the house and recognise this means they can’t also contribute financially the same way.
I’d say you’ve realised how unequal this is and without being married you have no rights. You are as of today no longer paying towards mortgage and paying maybe 30% of bills. Generously, you have no plans to charge him for your childcare but he is now cooking dinner 3 nights a week, doing a food shop and washing his own clothes. You landed a selfish using jerk op I’m sorry, who wants to have his cake and eat it too and doesn’t care about the impact on you.

Are you working? If not you need plans for financial independence.

Pay in as much as he has then you can split it 50/50
Fuck that comfysocks how about he does as much childcare and housework as he’s happily accepted from her? Like all of it?

Why on earth did you pay for all that on a house you don’t own? Do you have the receipts or paperwork? Go through that and work out how much you have contributed over the past few years. That will give you an answer as to how much of a deposit you would have accrued in the house. You can then split the deposit unequally but fairly and the equity becomes 50/50.

If he doesn’t consider part of the money you put into the house yours, he’s a stingy bastard. If he doesn’t agree, I’d be asking if there is a future in this relationship. I take it he earns more. You have given him a child. On the event of a split as you’ve been paying half and have contributed to the betterment of the house, you would be entitled to some money from the house. So why would you not take that in the form of a deposit if you stayed together?

He’s on a right little earner here with you. You pay his bills, wait on him hand and foot and do all the childcare.

His share is the deposit plus all of the value of the years with ep GF plus half of your shared years.

Yours is half of your shared years.

You've not given enough breakdown of the years with the ex GF but assuming she was on the scene for 3 yrs of which he now owns 100% and you've been together for 3 years of which he owns 50% then the fair split would be 75/25 plus him retaining the deposit.

YABVU and a bit CF.

If he doesn’t consider part of the money you put into the house yours, he’s a stingy bastard

He's actually a thief.

plus all of the value of the years with ex GF

Hold on - did he pay all of that or half of it?

How much equity does he have, and how much of your lifetime earning potential have you lost through having his child? Work out those figures as there is every chance you are contributing more over time.

I'd do this:

1. Add up the money he has put into the property, all monthly payments and deposit/s, any work he has done on the property (I'm sure you can find a way of working out how to price this) and anything he has paid for, for the property. Then get a solicitor to ring fence this figure

1. Add up the money you have put into the property, all monthly payments and deposit/s, any work you have done on the property (I'm sure you can find a way of working out how to price this) and anything you have paid for, for the property. In addition work out how much you WOULD HAVE paid into the property if you hadn't been a SAHM and add that in. Then get a solicitor to ring fence this figure

1. Then ask the solicitor to write up the contract for the new property purchase as above , with any future split being 50/50

Chatterbug has a point.