AIBU to think my DP is being a massive dick?

[flowersinavase9]

Long story short, I have been with my DP for three, almost four years. We have a DS who is 6 months old. Before we met DP had bought a house with his ex girlfriend a few years previous. Obviously that meant he has paid for the deposit, and the mortgage payments since etc. However when I moved in two years ago we decided to split bills down the middle, that obviously included the mortgage. As far as I was concerned it was both of our house (despite not being named on any paperwork etc).

As our DS is getting bigger we have decided we’d ideally like to move house, but we would consider remortgaging to carry out the work that needs doing for us to continue living here. We were having a conversation about moving the other day and DP said that if we did move, with our new mortgage contract he’d like to go in 60/40. I was fucking livid with this, he said it’s because of the years he’s paid for the house before we met, and the fact he paid for the deposit. I was under the influence us moving house would be a clean slate, and we’d go in 50/50 as we are now a family etc as we'd still split everything down the middle. We had a rather big row about it, and even now I still feel hurt. His reasonings were if we were to ever split he’d get 60 percent and I’d get 40, when that could be 15+years from now and we would have paid the exact same every single month for years. I just don’t see his reasoning. Yes it’s his house, and he has paid more than me over the years, but I can’t help that. I can’t seem to shake the argument, I feel like he doesn’t value me as his equal partner. Opinions please?

I agree with you. And he sounds awful.

(It may only be in Scotland, but) 7 years would make you common law spouses. You're not there yet but having a child with him means he can no longer operate as a single person. (I don't know if it gives you legal rights though).

If you were married, if you didn't work at all and never paid a cent, you'd be entitled to 50%. Even if he owned the house outright. Screw his deposit. Suck it up, mate.

You do 99% of childcare. (I'd dump him for this alone).

He won't pay for childcare. (I'd dump him for this too).

The family home is a shared asset, no matter who put more in. Tell him to F off with his 60-40.

The reason why the law states that you get 50-50 (if married/common-law) is because you are funding his lifestyle. He no longer pays all the mortgage. And even if he did, you'd probably be paying for expenses - whether that's electricity or social costs like going out for dinner. Plus you most probably save him money on cleaning.

AND another big reason is that by paying things together, you are forfeiting the ability to build up your own assets. This is why the house-wives who "never worked" get pay outs. They gave it all up so he could have his dinner and childcare and think about getting promoted.

Despite all those saying YABU, think: if you had a bloke staying with you who did all your childcare and paid half your bills and half your mortgage...

I'm pretty sure when I do go back to work I'll end up paying for nursery fees, as DP would like for me to go back part time as he doesn't want to contribute to full time nursery fees.

Do you not see the problem here?

Contribute? How about pay his fair share towards his own child?

And he hasn't asked you to marry him ... while demanding more of the equity in the house even though you contribute as much, it not more when it comes to practicalities, as he does.

Wow

The family home is a shared asset, no matter who put more in. Tell him to F off with his 60-40.

It's not a family home. It's his home. OP is not married, nor is she on the mortgage. What the law says about married partners is totally irrelevant here. As things stand, has no rights to his home.

Far too many women sleepwalk into situations like this and seem to have no concept of the danger they're putting themselves in

This is a horrible relationship.

Both my DH and I have brought different money to our relationship over the years (Yes, I appreciate we're married)

He's earned more since we had children. My career and earnings weren't what they could have been since we had children. He owned property before we married. I had a good deposit. We have inherited different amounts of money over the years. For some of the time I was a SAHM then earning pin money till the children were older. I never went back to my original career so my earnings never recovered

Our house has always been jointly owned. So has everything else. We have never calculated each others' contribution.

I am very thankful for this. Some of this expense splitting is utterly miserable and makes me question the love in the relationship.

From CAB:
The term 'common-law' husband or wife is often used but has no legal standing. It is a common misunderstanding that a couple will have established a common-law marriage after living together for a period of time. This is not the case. Common-law marriage does not exist in Scotland.

There was something called irregular marriage but you'd have to have been together since before 2006 for this to apply.

I will go back to work part time after my 12 months of maternity leave ends. And we are not married because he hasn't asked me. Simple as that really. We've discussed marriage but it's just not materialised as of yet. I'm pretty sure when I do go back to work I'll end up paying for nursery fees, as DP would like for me to go back part time as he doesn't want to contribute to full time nursery fees.

W.T.A.F?!!! FUCK the whole house situation, you'd have to be completely daft to become financially dependent on this prick. Have you lost the plot?! You're still paying 50% whilst you cook, clean, look after his child and provide wifey services and he doesn't want to pay for his own kid so YOU sacrifice your financial independence?

Fuck that. I'd be out of there. CMS for him.

Why on Earth do so many women do this to themselves? It's stupid in the extreme.

(It may only be in Scotland, but) 7 years would make you common law spouses.

NOT TRUE. I cannot believe how many people believe that 'common law' marriage is a thing. It's not.

You're not there yet but having a child with him means he can no longer operate as a single person. (I don't know if it gives you legal rights though).

He can completely operate as a single person, his only obligation is to pay maintenance for his child, that's it. There are no legal rights conferred on a person because they have a child with someone.

If you were married, if you didn't work at all and never paid a cent, you'd be entitled to 50%. Even if he owned the house outright. Screw his deposit. Suck it up, mate.

Nope. 50% is in no way guaranteed in the event of divorce and it certainly NOT automatic.

It's HIS house and you're his girlfriend of not yet 4yrs - sorry but YABVU and a bit of a CF.

You've sleepwalked into this OP, choosing the father of your DC to be a man you've known only a couple of years. Unmarried. Investing in a house you have no claim over. Naive in the extreme.
And he doesn't want to pay for nursery fees!? It gets worse.
He's laughing. You're likely to be a homeless single parent with all these red flags. Unbelievable.

You are lucky to have found out at this stage that he doesn’t value you as the mother of his child.
He doesn’t value the work and time involved but expects you do it all, not just for free but at a reduced rate so he can benefit.
I couldn’t find that acceptable.
Protect his deposit, yes I get that. But to him it seems retaining money for his sole use is more important than being fair to you.
Why are you working party time and paying nursery fees? Is that the plan? If yes, you need trainers , run away fast. What a Scrooge.

If he doesn’t want to pay half of FT nursery, he can drop his hours to PT.

If you’re contributing half to all the bills, there’s no reason he shouldn’t do half the housework/ childcare.

You want all the trappings and protection of being in the contract called marriage yet you aren’t. People are mentioning what’s known as equitable accounting (where you assign monetary value to your contribution as a SAHM etc) but that just simply doesn’t apply in this situation. If you wanted to go to court to argue some sort of beneficial interest on that basis it wouldn’t be entertained because it would undermine the principle of the marriage contract and pave the way for other living together couples to do the same.

You haven’t been contributing to a mortgage and you were never an equal partner in the eyes of the law (or your partner it seems). You haven’t put money into the property like you think you have.

Best get married really. Or not - I’ve a feeling that if you challenge him to that you will see more of his true colours - wants to keep his money all to himself.

At least you DS will inherit from him!

Have yet to know of any of these 50/50 guys who were also truly 50/50 on housework, lifework, childcare, parenting, etc. They don't want equality, they want someone to enable their lives for free.

posters replying to me above are right - no such thing as common law marriage - my apologies for misleading. And I was under the impression it was 7 years, which doesn't apply here anyway.

This site gives some advice:
www.teeslaw.com/insights/legal-rights-unmarried-couples/

I think my point is that when you have a family with someone you're supposed to share family assets. No matter what you put in. I can understand him wanting to protect his deposit, but you do have a child together and he has a responsibility to that child. And investing financially in his house (as you currently do) is preventing you from investing in your own assets.

The bigger point though is that the guy is being a dick and it's not right that he won't contribute to childcare or housework. Is this someone you want to commit further to? However if you walk away now, you will have no return on the 50% you've been paying in. Plus presumably you're not going to dump him based on the fact lots of Mumsnet have pointed out he's a dickhead. Much as you should!

The fact she’s paying bills and rent / mortgage contribution isn’t preventing the OP from getting her own place. If the OP was living elsewhere she’d still have these costs (likely to be higher too) - the fact she’s paying these amounts to her boyfriend rather than a private landlord is nothing to do with why she doesn’t have her own savings / house at this stage.

Oh op. I don’t think such men are fixable and you should just get out. But if you attempt to stay stop being the help who pays for the privilege. Go back full time. Split the childcare fees, or he can go part time to cover his share. If he goes part time he bloody well still pays all bills etc he paid before, you did while on mat leave. Split the cooking. Stop doing his laundry. Stop washing his dishes. Don’t invite him on days out unless he’s pulling his weight at home. Pay 40% of the living costs because he’s treated you like shit for years and you’ve spent your savings trying to keep paying his mortgage while looking after your child together. And make sure everyone knows- say in conversations oh dp doesn’t pay anything for the baby.dp won’t pay for childcare so I’m pretty skint even going back to work, I used my savings during mat leave as he said I had to keep paying half costs whether working or not. No, I don’t know if he loves the baby, there’s not a lot of evidence. Yes it’s very upsetting, I’m trying to work out what to do. I did think he was a good guy but the evidence otherwise is climbing.

Op, the more you post the more it seems clear you are very naive and opening yourself up to being financially shafted to all fuck

Do you consider yourself massively lucky to be with this man ?

Since OP paid towards the mortgage and refurb she could claim part of equity. But that's about it.

Sorry but I actually sad laughed at "he hasn't asked me yet" and fully agree with pp about 21st century...

So you do 100% of childcare and housework.

You pay 50% of all bills and house improvements.

You will pay 100% of childcare bills and go back to work part time.

Meanwhile he gets his deposit ring fenced plus a 60% stake in a new house you will be contributing equally to wards the mortgage?

Since OP paid towards the mortgage and refurb she could claim part of equity. But that's about it.

Only if she can prove it. He'll argue the money was for bills, council tax, food etc.

He’s right . You’re not his wife . You should get married if you want 50/50

@timeisnotaline

Absolutely perfect advice.

You’re his girlfriend and you’re expecting all the money he put in to a house prior to knowing you?

As an aside, he sounds horrible and you might be better off being an ex girlfriend

What country are you in @BusyProcrastinator?

If it’s the UK, what on earth are you talking about?

I will go back to work part time after my 12 months of maternity leave ends. And we are not married because he hasn't asked me. Simple as that really. We've discussed marriage but it's just not materialised as of yet. I'm pretty sure when I do go back to work I'll end up paying for nursery fees, as DP would like for me to go back part time as he doesn't want to contribute to full time nursery fees

You are being royally screwed by an entitled arsehole.

Have you ever talked to the ex GF and asked her opinion of their relationship?