AIBU to think my DP is being a massive dick?

[flowersinavase9]

Long story short, I have been with my DP for three, almost four years. We have a DS who is 6 months old. Before we met DP had bought a house with his ex girlfriend a few years previous. Obviously that meant he has paid for the deposit, and the mortgage payments since etc. However when I moved in two years ago we decided to split bills down the middle, that obviously included the mortgage. As far as I was concerned it was both of our house (despite not being named on any paperwork etc).

As our DS is getting bigger we have decided we’d ideally like to move house, but we would consider remortgaging to carry out the work that needs doing for us to continue living here. We were having a conversation about moving the other day and DP said that if we did move, with our new mortgage contract he’d like to go in 60/40. I was fucking livid with this, he said it’s because of the years he’s paid for the house before we met, and the fact he paid for the deposit. I was under the influence us moving house would be a clean slate, and we’d go in 50/50 as we are now a family etc as we'd still split everything down the middle. We had a rather big row about it, and even now I still feel hurt. His reasonings were if we were to ever split he’d get 60 percent and I’d get 40, when that could be 15+years from now and we would have paid the exact same every single month for years. I just don’t see his reasoning. Yes it’s his house, and he has paid more than me over the years, but I can’t help that. I can’t seem to shake the argument, I feel like he doesn’t value me as his equal partner. Opinions please?

Are you working now or on maternity leave? Have you really paid for half of everything the whole time since you had your baby?

You don’t say why you’re not married but that’s the obvious solution.

At the moment, he could kick you out tomorrow and you wouldn’t get a penny from the house so you’d be better off with any type of legal agreement on the property than you are now. That doesn’t mean settle for something you think is unfair but he doesn’t need your contribution if he was paying it all by himself before you moved in and you do need some security.

I disagree with the assumption that women are the lower earners through no fault of their own.

I am the higher earner. I owned a house before I met my DH and I insisted it was protected before we married. He had no issue with this.

No one goes into marriage thinking it will fail, but the fact is many relationships do fail and I don’t see why you can’t take steps to protect yourself (and each other) in that eventuality. It would certainly make any divorce negotiations easier. It’s also sensible to have the financial discussion so you are both on the same page - no assuming you’ll just get half of someone’s house because you move in and pay rent. You wouldn’t assume that with a commercial landlord !

I took a break to have both my children - they are still preschool age - and have gone back to work. Despite this, we both take turns looking after the kids, school runs etc... I am still the higher earner (although my DH has moved up in his job so the difference is not so great anymore). I will continue to out-earn him though (to clarify he is not in a low paid job but has worked hard to move up).

The fact is the amount the DP has paid into the house to date will only increase in real terms due to inflation over the years. It’s not necessarily fair for him to just get that amount out in the future - it will be worth considerably less by then.

Having children together does complicate things slightly, as they should be paid for. CMS as a minimum, maintenance etc.

The OP was clearly the lower earner/poorer saver before they had children. They are not married so why should the OP get anything beyond child maintenance.m ? She’s already living in a nicer house than she could afford to buy as she has no/limited deposit, and will benefit from any increase in equity over the years (as opposed to renting somewhere).

I disagree with the assumption that women are the lower earners through no fault of their own.

It's not an assumption. It's a sociological FACT that women earn less money then men that do the same job.
My female lecturers get paid less than my male lecturers for doing the exact same job. That's one of many examples.

You may be a high earner. But you are one person. And not representative of the population.

I'm with you on this a 50 - 50 split is only right after the deposit has been ring fenced

I'd tell him that perhaps you should even be getting a portion of the security deposit monies he paid in. YOU paid for a kitchen refurbishment, carpets, etc .... all increasing the value of the house you're now planning to sell. YOU do all the cleaning. YOU pay half of everything.

HE is taking the piss now. I'd think long and hard about why he thinks this is ok and whether or not you can live with this attitude going forward. You need to protect yourself and your child.

£100 to get a solicitor to draw up a legal document protecting his equity in the event of a split , I did that when we got married and bought a new house

Yes I have paid half of everything since having my baby. Yes I'm currently on maternity leave, but saved money before it started so that I could still contribute towards bills. I'm not a low earner, but I do earn less than my DP. I will go back to work part time after my 12 months of maternity leave ends. And we are not married because he hasn't asked me. Simple as that really. We've discussed marriage but it's just not materialised as of yet. I'm pretty sure when I do go back to work I'll end up paying for nursery fees, as DP would like for me to go back part time as he doesn't want to contribute to full time nursery fees.

Don't go back part time for his benefit if he's not willing to support you financially in any way. It's you losing out in every aspect.

If you are buying a new house then why don't you start over and go into it exactly 50/50? Both pay the same deposit and 50/50 on the mortgage and bills.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras if OP has had to save for Mat leave she probably doesn't have a spare £10k lying around for a deposit

But then her maternity leave has only been 6 or 7 months, plus she's lived in the house for 2 years, paying half of the mortgage, bills etc, so likely less than she would have paid had she been living on her own, so she's benefitted in that regard.

Maybe they could calculate how much she's put into the house since she's lived there - so mortgage payments and renovations and she could get that back. That then forms her deposit for the new house.

Our discussion about what to do during and post ML centred around what we thought would be best for our child, not how one of us could get away without paying anything. Childcare has always come out of joint pot, and we pay in the amount that leaves us with amount x as personal spending (his wage - x; my wage - x; goes into a joint account) why on earth would I be left worse off than him for carrying out a joint decision to be part time? He was part time too for a period and so I contributed more than him.
It's not just about whether you're married or not - it's about whether you are even a partnership.
It can take some men a while to adjust to the totally new demands of being a father. Hopefully yours will catch up before he ends up alone.

As far as I'm concerned, you are either a family, and split things, or you aren't. Dp and I own everything 50:50 despite me paying the deposit and being the sole earner for a number of years.

But the other side of being a family is that I would expect him to support you on maternity and pull his weight with the childcare and housework.

Woah! Stop right there.
1.you are still contributing 50% even though you're on ML and looking after baby, cooking, cleaning etc. Are you his lodger or partner/mother of his child?

1. You expect to pay the childcare fees when you go back to work?

3.He only wants you to work PT because he doesn't want to pay any childcare fees? What a dick! You need to sit him down and discuss this thoroughly. I believe you should do what you want concerning work, protect your career and pay into your pension because it's definite he won't be looking out for you. If you do go back PT, childcare fees and actual parenting are 50/50 as is housework etc. He should also contribute to your pension. I would then consider buying my own property to have as a back up. Please don't be a mug about this.

Why did you pay for rennovations on a house that's not yours? That was daft tbh.

He should have more than just the deposit protected. He should protect whatever was paid off until you moved in plus whatever he's paid for rennovations. Then it be split 50/50.

If you'd have written your OP with all the information in, you'd have got completely different replies.
Why isn't he planning to pay towards part-time childcare when you go back to work? Is there a reason he won't have a joint account for all finances?
You've got the short straw definitely.

I would refuse to live in a home that isn’t 50/50 mine.

He needs to pay you back for any capital improvement to house, then pay you half for any furniture, decorating, etc. Then he can take out the mortgage to improve house to sell it.

After that you can move forward to buy a new home and contribute equally.

If he expects you to work part time instead of paying childcare, he needs to compensate you for that also.

See how this works? If he wants to separate his and yours then I’d be calculating every penny I contributed both in my labor and in actual money paid.

He’s being an ass.

we are not married because he hasn't asked me
Oh dear! This is the 21stC, OP. Women can vote. We don't have to just sit around and wait for a man to propose..?! You really need to have this conversation with him. Getting married is not just a romantic thing with a white dress like in the movies. It's a legal protection and brings financial benefits. You need this protection because you've made financial sacrifices to have this man's baby. If he dies you'd inherit by default. If he becomes very ill you can make medical decisions for him. It also protects him, eg he can get joint custody more easily if you leave him. The list goes on. Getting married is not a religious/moral/rightwing/romantic thing. It's necessary from a cold hard practical point of view.

YABU. It's understandable to want to protect your financial interest. There's no guarantee that you'll stay together and if it was the other way round you would be advised to consider the same by a solicitor

What's the difference is price from when he bought it to when you when in joint? This was my issue. It's was my house, my deposit and my equity until a certain date. The solicitor worked out the percentage for each of us at a given time.

OP, did he want this child that he's not paying for?
You pay half the bills, despite doing everything.
He doesn't want to contribute much to nursery fees.

I think you know very well that you have had a child with a mean prick, who really is all about himself.

Be very careful.
I would strongly suggest you do not reduce your hours.
I would strongly suggest you take huge care regarding what you agree.

He has neither his child are you as a priority.

OP you are in such a vulnerable position as it is - please don't go down the road of sacrificing your earning potential too. If he doesn't want to pay for full time nursery fees, why can't he drop his hours and stay at home instead?

Of course, he won't do that because he knows what a bad move it is. Unless you're married, do not go back part time - if you break up, you'll need all the income you need to support yourself.

You're not married and your name is not on the mortgage. If you split up tomorrow you'd have nowhere to go and no claim on your current house. You could be homeless at any second.

Stop referring to it as your house and for Gods sake, stop spending any money on it. Keep your money and put it in a savings account so if you split, you'll have a nice pot to pay for a deposit on a new place, plus you'll be able to pay for furniture too.

As it stands, the house and everything in it is his. Unless you have receipts proving that you paid for stuff, he can keep the lot.

Please be careful. You're already in such a risky position.

You sound very passive in regards to big decisions in your life - ‘not married, because he hasn’t asked me’, going back to work part time because he wants me to’.

Tell him you want to get married and go back to work FT.

You just assumed paying towards his mortgage would magically make the house 50% yours.

You need to be more clued up and proactive. The damsel in distress thing is putting you at risk. One big argument and you could be out on your ear without a claim to anything. No amount of paint or furniture buying will make a difference. The house is currently 100% his.

..... wonders of some of you actually read the information?

He sounds fucking awful
Why did you have a child with him