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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

CF Food Taker

342 replies

Daisyhut · 07/03/2020 15:02

I am probably being unreasonable but this is really starting to bug me. I have a lovely friend who is nice and kind. However, every time that we go out to lunch she helps herself to my food and to my children's food.

We lunch about twice a week and she always orders a small dish or side plate for herself. She says that she is not hungry. I will order food for me and my three Dc (all under 4).

When the food comes she always just digs into our food. On Thursday she ate most of my kids chips, carrot sticks and guacamole. She also ate several of my Haloumi fries. She did not do it absentmindedly. She heard me order for the kids and said "I cant wait to try the guacamole". I always order extra for the kids when we are with her so that they get enough to eat.

I am 100% sure that she has no financial issues and she is not dieting. Apart from this flaw she is lovely. I would never take her food so it is not something she has seen me do. If I mention it to her she may be offended.

YABU: Don't say anything it is just food.
YANBU: Mention it and risk upsetting her

OP posts:
LH1987 · 07/03/2020 17:46

I personally wouldn't say anything, I think it would cause a huge fall out. That being said it is really weird and she is completely in the wrong!

HaddawayAndShite · 07/03/2020 17:46

I get why the ops not said anything, it’s actually difficult in reality.
Totally this. The personal attacks calling op spineless and a wet lettuce are totally out of order and just piling on for the sake of it’s

Roussette · 07/03/2020 17:48

but in reality it’s actually very difficult to do so, it’s not as simple as it seems

It is simple.
If you just can't speak and say something, just move their plates six inches or something. Then when she says 'Oi, I want to try the halloumi fries' say
'And I want to eat them all ! If you're quick you can probably order some yourself'

And move the kids plates too.

I know my friends would call me a greedy mare and tell me to stop doing it if I tried that. She can't be much of a friend if you can't be honest with her.

SudokuQueen · 07/03/2020 17:48

It's not difficult though. If you can't do it in person, text her before meeting up again to say that you aren't paying for her meal top ups anymore and she will be buying her own food.

Winterlife · 07/03/2020 17:49

I agree. I wouldn't say anything either. I'd either stop having lunch together, or just very pointedly buy her a plate of fries.

JudyCoolibar · 07/03/2020 17:49

She heard me order for the kids and said "I cant wait to try the guacamole".

So respond with "OK, let's order some for you" - and insist on doing it, preferably putting it on her tab. She can hardly say "No, it's OK, I"m planning on eating your children's meals".

Roussette · 07/03/2020 17:50

I personally wouldn't say anything, I think it would cause a huge fall out. That being said it is really weird and she is completely in the wrong!

Really?
So the OP has to take her out for lunch twice a week and pay for it, because in essence that's what she's doing.

Why would it cause a massive fall out? Something so obviously rude shouldn't. And if it did, it wouldn't be a friend I'd want anyway

SchadenfreudePersonified · 07/03/2020 17:51

Say, loudly, when she starts to dig in “ I thought you said you weren’t hungry?”

Oh, this - please this.

For those who say "You should do this', You should do that" - it's really note as easy you think when you have been brought to "be polite". It really isn't.

Lunafortheloveogod · 07/03/2020 17:52

It’s not difficult to strap up your big girl pants and tell her to stop rudely picking off your children’s plates when your at the point of ordering more so they don’t go bloody hungry.

“It’s not a buffet” “that’s Mary’s” “order your own food you’re clearly still hungry”

My 11month old would bite her.. literally, fake stealing a cheerio off him is a hanging offence.

5zeds · 07/03/2020 17:52

Sit so she has to reach across you to get to the kids food. If she asks for some of yours/theirs which she’ll have to if she can’t reach, suggest she gets herself a plate and you’ll “watch her baby” while she goes and organises it.

Roussette · 07/03/2020 17:54

I just don't get it. I am honestly imagining my friends doing this. Or me doing it with my friends. We are so honest with each other, we would just straightaway say. Even if it was just 'Oi.... get yer own!!'

Are some MNers just more polite and formal with their friends or something?

Cherrysoup · 07/03/2020 17:57

Stop her if she reaches for your dc’s food. This is seriously poor manners on her behalf, stealing food from children! So rude. Move their plates and say ‘If you want some x, order it, this is my dc’s”. I would hate someone doing this to my kids, poor manners and I would be defending my child’s right to eat their own food in peace. It isn’t fair to allow her to continue and make your dc suffer her thievery. Defend them. You’re their mum!

BlueSpotty · 07/03/2020 17:59

I wouldn't meet up with her for lunch anymore. She's being very rude.

INeedToGetHealthy · 07/03/2020 18:04

It is obvious that she is not doing this out of naivety in regards to calories etc as she is just being a tightarse. Who goes out for lunch with friends and their DSs, takes their own DC a packed lunch and then steals food off other kids plates? She has something wrong with her.

ragged · 07/03/2020 18:07

"You're a lovely friend but knock that off"

erniepigy · 07/03/2020 18:08

Do a sneeze over the plate and pretend to wipe bits of snot off it lol

CloudyVanilla · 07/03/2020 18:14

I agree in lots of situations it can be much more uncomfortable to say something IRL than is made out online.

But I'm genuinely surprised that in thos scenario you cant lightheartedly say something. Is it that the window is passed and becomes much harder because it is less reactionary? Because the first time that happened I likely would have been surprised enough to say something!

Can you not just do some middle ground passive aggressive lingering gazes/plate shifting whenever she reaches for your childrens' plates?

That's probably what I would do in this situation :)

namechangedforthis1122 · 07/03/2020 18:15

Does she think you are all ordering for the table as sharers?

CloudyVanilla · 07/03/2020 18:16

Also further PA ideas include addressing the DC and saying how hungry they are/how much they've been looking forward to lunch!

Unless she is batshit or rhino skinned it would be really obvious that you didn't want her to eat their food, without having to say it out right.

WitchDancer · 07/03/2020 18:25

I would be building menu barriers so she couldn't get at our food. No one, even my husband, takes food from my plate. If they do I cannot eat it and they would be wearing it if I was particularly hungry.

crapette · 07/03/2020 18:27

but in reality it’s actually very difficult to do so, it’s not as simple as it seems

Why not?

ellendegeneres · 07/03/2020 18:28

I kinda think you’ve made the problem worse by ordering bigger portions for your dc because she sees it as open season on their food because in her mind there’s far too much, they’ll never eat all that.

So you need to go back to basics. Go softplay and slide it into conversation that you’ve been working on their table manners because they seem to have picked up that taking from other peoples plates is ok, and isn’t it rude?!
Then when you go for food, order exactly what your dc will eat and nothing more. When she orders, say to her oh, you’re not hungry at all! Sure you don’t want more? Cause we’re not sharing, working on those table manners and all that...

I mean me, I’d have said oi you cheeky bitch, go order more for yourself if you’re still hungry, I’m not having this lot getting mardy in half hour cause you’ve eaten half their food! Probably the second time cause once can be forgiven almost, if she’s not picked up on the looks id be giving. But I’d not have let it go past that. My dc are 4 and 7 and they wouldn’t dare! Past toddler stage, that was knocked on the head

Avocadohips · 07/03/2020 18:29

To me, there is a big difference in being able to have boundaries/being able to say no/being able to disagree, and actual conflict.

Those of you who find it hard (and very few of us who are generally kind and peaceful people find it easy), I recommend watching some Marshall Rosenborg NVC training on you tube. His advice to this situation might sound something like "When you order a small portion then take food from our plates, I feel upset. I worry that it is teaching my children bad manners and poor boundaries."

I see a trend that society is losing the art of skillful communication, particularly in handling touchy subjects, but I think it's a muscle that is important that we all try to exercise and I'd love to help it come back. We shouldn't need to be too afraid of offending somebody to tackle a fairly minor disagreement.

redcarbluecar · 07/03/2020 18:30

When you're ordering, perhaps say 'Are you sure you've ordered enough? You're not getting any of mine' or a slightly politer version of that.

LeGrandBleu · 07/03/2020 18:34

@Daisyhut Could you use the coronavirus excuse?

Say you are teaching your children to not share food and not having other people touching your plate, your glass, your stuff.

You can even start with the kids a couple of days before at home. You will wash hands more often, no kissing and hugging except family but a wave, and of course no sharing food.