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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
MumNeedsTea · 07/03/2020 12:08

When I first came to the UK 15 years back, I really didn't know that guest numbers were so restricted at weddings over here. When I still very new here, I got invited to a friend's wedding (she's English) and when I realised that I wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding, I asked her if I could bring my boyfriend along Blush. She obviously said no as the numbers were limited! Now that I know how different UK weddings are and after years of reading wedding invite threads on mumsnet, I literally cringe when I think of how I asked to bring along an extra guest BlushBlush

ineedaholidaynow · 07/03/2020 12:22

Where are these massive weddings held, especially in the UK? Sorry about all the questions but I am intrigued.
I still think it is an awful amount of money to spend, especially if you have to go without essentials just so you have to have a large wedding to keep up appearances and in a world where we should be mindful of our resources. Also I only had 40 people at my wedding and that was large enough for me! We also asked for gift vouchers for our local wine shop if people wanted to buy us gifts. Not sure I would have coped with that if we had 3000 guests!

ambereeree · 07/03/2020 12:24

In the UK indian weddings are smaller and getting smaller. People are getting fed up of the cost. 50k upwards is not unusual for Indian weddings

MumNeedsTea · 07/03/2020 12:28

No idea where one would have such a big wedding in the UK. Maybe a massive field with tents in the summer Confused
I agree it's an awful lot of money to spend on a wedding, there's so much else you can do with 200K!! But it's their money and they are free to spend it as they wish.
I love how this thread is going on without the OP coming back Grin

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 12:30

I think OP came round to the idea of two weddings several pages ago.

gingersausage · 07/03/2020 12:34

I’m intrigued too @ineedaholidaynow, because I think it all sounds like great fun and I love that so many people here can answer the questions from experience of their own weddings.

pooopypants · 07/03/2020 13:20

As an aside: we would not be expected to look after them in their old age

My FIL also said this. Then had a cancer diagnosis. Within a few months he was complaining about his children not being nearby and within 6 months he'd managed to guilt my BIL into leaving his successful career and moving back into their house. Even despite having had surgery and being given the all clear.

Sceptre86 · 07/03/2020 13:33

You should learn more about his culture before you marry him to be honest! Indian weddings are not all about the parents but they are different to western ones, parents as a rule tend to be more involved with the planning process and invite list. It doesn't mean you have no say so, my parents wanted to invite wider family friends whose son or daughter's wedding they had been to. I did not have a huge wedding by Asian standards because I discussed this with them. If you ever stand to have a good relationship with your inlaws it would help to learn their language and communicate with them directly and not always through your partner. In this instance you should both raise it with his parents so that they can curb their expectations but you might need to make some compromises, are you willing to? In some ways it is quite sweet that they would still want to throw you both a huge wedding even though you are from outside their culture. It shows a lot of love and acceptance which is very nice. Yanbu but be open about your feelings and communicate!

TiddlestheCat · 07/03/2020 13:53

You should have two weddings. A friend of mine did this in similar circumstances. She got her traditional English wedding first and then had a massive Indian affair. Both families seemed pleased with that.

Yousicktwistedfruit · 07/03/2020 13:58

YABU you are marrying an Indian man and you know this is his culture if you don’t like it then don’t marry him it’s rude and disrespectful of you to want to change the way his family do things because you don’t like it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/03/2020 14:23

gingersausage in a lot of Indian weddings I've known, astrologers get involved to find an "auspicious date" (muhurat) according to the couple's charts

Some will attach more importance to this than others, and if nobody can make the very best date they can always plump for the second one, but overall it's just one more tradition like so many others

netstaller · 07/03/2020 14:26

Could you have two weddings? An smaller English one for you and a larger Indian one to appease his family? Then you both technically get what you want

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 14:41

Someone hasn’t RTFT have they?

stopthepanic · 07/03/2020 14:46

You don't really think this will be the only part of Indian culture they expect you to accept? And they aren't being Unreasonabe. A marriage is combining of people and in your case cultures. You need to think though how you'll feel about kids, accepting parts of his religion etc. I am married to an Indian btw and we had talked a lot about this beforehand.
Spolier alert. They are paying for the wedding, you won't get much say in it.

paperandfireworks · 07/03/2020 14:56

We have very recent experience of this, difference being bride was Indian and groom Irish. Everyone happy to go along with the huge OTT wedding, except plans had to be pruned dramatically as her cousins etc were unwilling to travel/ go to any expense to see a relative they barely knew, if at all, marry an Irishman.

Noodlenosefraggle · 07/03/2020 15:33

Havent been to a wedding for ages, but went to loads in Wandsworth town hall. Its huge! Also lots are in India.

Harls1969 · 07/03/2020 18:10

Very tricky. I guess if you love him that much and you really want to marry him, it's a sacrifice you might have to make. I think if you dig your heels in over this (and I totally understand why you'd want to), it'll be forever thrown in your face. Good luck

DreamTheMoors · 07/03/2020 18:10

Advice from my mum: When you marry a man, you marry his family.

I think the PP’s telling you that this is the first of many differences with your DP’s family and their culture. Are you prepared for a lifetime of this?

I also think PP’s suggestion that you have TWO DIFFERENT WEDDINGS as a compromise is perfect. It’s an excellent idea. But, know you’ll be “compromising” for the entirety of your married life.

Happy immediate future engagement! I hope that whatever you end up doing your marriage to your beloved will be long and happy.

Jack80 · 07/03/2020 19:12

Maybe have the day she wants and have and intimate affair to renew your vows just for you and him.

BengalGal · 07/03/2020 19:19

Sorry but bride’s culture counts too and as you live in the UK you get to follow local culture. Just elope. You can’t do it half way without upsetting them so just avoid it and elope, invite patents and a couple of friends. Tell them, if you do invite them, that they can use the money on themselves or help but a house some day. Don’t start out the marriage bowing into their customs or you will have to do so forever. They may have a lot of expectations for a daughter-in-law law that aren’t going to, start out as you mean to go on.

Happyher · 07/03/2020 19:23

You need to realise you’re marrying more than him. You’re marrying his family & culture too. It will always be like this and I doubt your fiancé is going to upset his mother. You will also probably make an enemy for life in her if you don’t do what she expects. I don’t think you will get both your way and your husband

BlackstonesManual · 07/03/2020 19:42

The thing is that your ILs are paying for the wedding and so they can decide on the number of people, unfortunately for you.

My DP and I are both from India but we paid for our wedding so could decide on numbers etc... our parents wanted more people but we told them what our budget was and so the list had to be cut short.

Even regarding when to have kids, my MIL was getting a bit nosey (as most Indian parents/ILs are) about it but DP and I had decided earlier on that it won't be too soon and so told MIL basically to stay out of it.

If you guys are independent enough and work as a team in your relationship, you guys can decide how your wedding day and life together in the future should be.
This needs to be clear from the beginning itself else it's going to be disappointment further ahead with your ILs dictating every aspect of your life.

KenDodd · 07/03/2020 19:48

I'd just go along with it if I were you OP. Sounds like mil is happy to organise/pay for everything, you can just show up, get married. Easy!
Just make sure the wedding is legal and veto animal attractions.

cybercontroller · 07/03/2020 19:50

@Yousicktwistedfruit

YABU you are marrying an Indian man and you know this is his culture if you don’t like it then don’t marry him it’s rude and disrespectful of you to want to change the way his family do things because you don’t like it.

It's not his family's wedding, it's his and Op's. It's not disrespectful to not want to have thousands of complete strangers turn up at your wedding, and to have the whole day dictated by her stb in laws.

erniepigy · 07/03/2020 19:52

If you don’t want to take on your other half’s culture and traditions then you shouldn’t be with someone from another culture.
Compromise would be to go off and do a small ceremony as you want and then o it again his style