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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

383 replies

sooopersatsuma · 06/03/2020 13:20

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

OP posts:
KenDodd · 07/03/2020 19:53

Just thinking about the maths of this.
If 3,000 people is a typical number of wedding guests, does that then mean you'll be expected to also ATTEND 3,000 weddings?
Indian people must spend there whole lifes going to weddings!

mauvaisereputation · 07/03/2020 19:54

I think that if your DFiance wants a big Indian wedding it would be wrong to veto this. What about a small English wedding and a separate bug Indian ceremony and party?

Fififerry1 · 07/03/2020 19:56

Hi OP,
I am Scottish and married a British born Indian (Hindu). Originally my MIL wanted a massive wedding -2000 plus guests. We compromised and had a ceremony in the morning for 50 close family and friends and then a party in the evening for 500. There was also something very relaxing about a wedding I had so little input into. It was like being a very special guest.
The following week we had a traditional Scottish wedding.
Like your PIL I don’t think mine could afford the huge wedding easily but felt it had to be done. They were Probably actually relieved to have the excuse that I couldn’t cope with it.
The downside was that everyone had such an amazing time at the Indian wedding we had about 30 ‘extras’ for the second leg - which wasn’t very easy to accommodate in the middle of nowhere but we coped.
In 25 years of a ‘mixed’ marriage I have found that being relaxed and accommodating gives you the best of everything. Of course the cultural differences sometimes cause difficulties and you need to have clear red lines (not shaving my children’s heads and doing Christmas in our own home were two of mine). Living 200 miles away also helps.
Hope it all works out.

Fedupwithex · 07/03/2020 19:59

Quite easy to have two ceremonies, tbh if your marrying someone it’s a good idea to start off on the right foot and they have spent their lives waiting for this day. It won’t hurt you to do it as well as one for you. A friend of mine had a simple English country wedding and a full on Africaan one, you may actually have a great time. Think of it as isn’t it wonderful these people want to spend all that money celebrating your future

SuburbanFraggle · 07/03/2020 20:02

Are they buying you a house too?

Why not have a £50,000 house deposit and a 1500 guest big wedding?

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 20:03

In 25 years of a ‘mixed’ marriage I have found that being relaxed and accommodating gives you the best of everything

Wisest words on the thread.

Betterversionofme · 07/03/2020 20:09

Your wedding, your rules. You are not in India, right? You really don't want parents or parents in-law meddle too much in your life. Better show them what you mean. Also such gifts (paying for a massive wedding) are NOT free. There will be some expectations of gratitude from you, for a wedding you didn't want. It's like a slap after slap after slap.
You can just get married at a registry office without telling any family.

Yousicktwistedfruit · 07/03/2020 20:18

@cybercontroller it is disrespectful when she knows that’s how her partners culture works if she doesn’t like then I suggest that she doesn’t marry in to an Indian family.

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 20:39

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant

Doesn’t sound like a man who’d be happy to elope, does he @Betterversionofme?

Bugbabe1970 · 07/03/2020 21:12

It’s his culture
Accept it or move on!

Rachel709 · 07/03/2020 21:32

I would rather have the money for a house.

hoxtonbabe · 07/03/2020 21:34

I come from a culture that is similar, and it would be considered highly disrespectful if you went against this, then the aunties will will dragging the family name through mud etc, saying if he had just married a girl from xxx..none of this would be happening, although I do think it’s a bit odd to marry a man with these cultural norms/expectations and you want no part of it . however as I have got older there is no way on earth I could warrant a wedding for more than 5k.. 20 years ago I’d be all for a 1000 person extravaganza as it was just the norm in my family etc but to me, now it’s just a total waste of money when it could be put towards the mortgage etc. THAT SAID...I also know I couldn’t marry anyone or a mother/father that had those cultural expectations, As i would be expected to go with it for the sake of the parents etc and I just can’t deal with all that.

My cousin got married in Africa in December to a man from the same country ( so he knew the score), her mum spent a good £30000 but bear in mind a 6 tier wedding cake with the bottom tier being 20 odd inches and including the 3 tier engagement cake cost only £300, and the make up artist cost only £10 if you convert it, then you have about 4 outfit changes and goodness knows what else...you can image just how far 30k went and how extravagant it was.

My cousin isn’t into all that OTT wedding malarkey but for a quiet life and because that’s what we do culturally to invite the entire village and then some, she just went with it. When she got back to London her mum held another small local hall party for those that couldn’t attend the main wedding, which my cousin didn’t even want to attend as she just wanted to get on with her marrried life but unfortunately it’s just one of those things she kinda had to suck up and deal with.. I remember saying to her on the day of the London party thank god you’ve reminded me to never marry a man from xxx as I can’t be doing with all this.. she agreed Grin

Let’s not get started on the 1st birthday parties Hmm

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 07/03/2020 21:37

It’s his culture
Accept it or move on!

Why though?

Why can't he accept her culture?

Why can't they try to reach a compromise?

Why does she have to accept it?

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 21:42

Several posters have explained why. Maybe read the thread?

cybercontroller · 07/03/2020 21:46

@cybercontroller it is disrespectful when she knows that’s how her partners culture works if she doesn’t like then I suggest that she doesn’t marry in to an Indian family.

In that case, isn't it equally disrespectful to her culture for the in-laws to ignore it and insist they do it their way? IMO there needs to compromise on both sides but she should not have to have people at their wedding she's not comportable with.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 07/03/2020 22:02

Yeah, because the wife marries into a culture but the husband doesn't have to.

Got it.

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 22:04

You think if the situation was reversed the Western man wouldn’t be expected to have a traditional Indian marriage ceremony? Seriously?

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 07/03/2020 22:08

Would not have been told he has to suck it up for the sake of the family, absolutely.

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 22:12

How do you know? I bet he would.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 07/03/2020 22:13

Well, I bet he wouldn't.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 07/03/2020 22:13

How do you know he wouldn't?

SimonJT · 07/03/2020 22:16

I know a few non-Pakistani men who have had Pakistani weddings when marrying their Pakistani partners.

ims0rrydarlingg · 07/03/2020 22:20

You clearly must have had a vague understanding of how our culture works before getting involved with your partner.

He hasn't even proposed to you yet and you've started worrying about the wedding. Incase you're not aware, he would only be proposing after consulting his parents and gaining their blessings. Interracial marriages are still kinda difficult in our culture so you should be thankful it's been easy for you and they're accepting of you without any trouble or heartache.

MissEliza · 07/03/2020 23:12

Dh is from a similar culture. I regret trying to be 'reasonable' and do things 'their way'. You should enjoy the start to your marriage.

minionsrule · 07/03/2020 23:44

fififerry1 has it spot on.
I've already mentioned the wedding bit but longer term (assuming it all goes ahead) i have the philosophy of i will go along with the cultural things i am comfortable with to make PIL happy BUT i expect DH to back me against them on things i'm not comfortable with.
Honestly after our wedding i was like a goddess amongst his family and friends for going through with it all (and on the dance floor in full sari which is not traditional for an indian bride Grin).
Its give and take as in any marriage

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