to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

God, what a fuss over a wedding. £200k is a disgusting amount of money unless the parents are very wealthy. What about the other cultural differences. Will the family be involved in any other decisions and will you as a wife be expected to look after elderly parents?

Sorry, but this doesn’t sound a good start.

Also, what would happen if you got divorced and what about the children of the marriage.

And please say no to the elephants... They really aren't looked after very well and in a lot of cases the trainers are abusive to the elephants

OP have you had a conversation about what happens when his parents are elderly and need care?

As I understand it, it’s customary in Indian culture for them to move in with their son(s).

I’d be more concerned about that than the wedding.

God forbid anyone ever marry someone from a different culture to them. According to the nasties of mumsnet it’s guaranteed disaster... this thread is a stark reminder of why I left mumsnet and why I shouldn’t have rejoined (not OP’s fault)

Clearly, there’s a white way and a wrong way

Is there? I'm perfectly happy to say that the Ecclestone sisters' weddings, for example, were ostentatious and in bad taste, even though they are, indeed white. And many other society weddings.

A stupidly expensive wedding is, well, stupid, Indian or not.

I’m Scottish and husband is from Indian family. We had 2 weddings. Indian one both accepted had nothing to do with us and just went along with it. Negotiated less days and less people at times. Then a year later had our legal wedding I’m Scotland. Both sets of parents and brothers came to both.

I loved them both for totally different reasons. The one here cause it was ours and how we wanted it and that we were married. The Hindu one cause it was bright and colourful and so different to our wedding here. The food too was amazing! Great memories and so glad we did it for us but also out of respect for my in-laws.

Enjoy getting to marry your partner twice. It’s amazing!

1. You need to set clear expectations around cultural events or having and raising children will be a nightmare.

1. Elephants used at weddings are usually abused and beaten. Not exactly joyful

For different reasons, I had two weddings - one for family and then one that was exactly what we wanted with some close friends. I can highly recommend it! I enjoyed the family wedding a lot more than I thought I would but also had the wedding we wanted that was perfect (both were small and intimate and not very expensive).

* As I understand it, it’s customary in Indian culture for them to move in with their son(s).*

No that is untrue. What is customary depends on whether her son is based in India or not. It is actually customary for the elderly to remain at home and for her overseas based DS to purchase female personal carers and then visit regularly to ensure things are on track. You can get hospital quality personal home care very cheaply in almost all parts of India.

I can relate to those saying have two ceremonies, DH and I are from different countries and this is also what we did.

I personally think you have to be respectful of the culture you're marrying into to proceed. And comfortable with it.

Could someone explain to me, as I'd like to understand better, how do Indian parents living in the UK save up enough for such huge weddings? Unless they're very rich, I just think it must be super hard on them and near impossible, especially if they have several daughters/sons (excuse my ignorance, but I don't know whose parents contribute towards the wedding). I've had this thought before, even though DH and I are doing ok, I don't think we'd ever be able to save that amount for our future kids' weddings. TIA

@Marmit Hardly thinly veiled, sadly racism is well tolerated and celebrated on many MN threads.

My ex is Indian, though very westernised. His parents however weren’t and his older brother (by only 3yrs) had an arranged marriage. His parents weren’t best pleased when he moved out and into the house of a white woman who had a child already!! However once they met me all was fine, I meant what’s not to like about me! Lol. We never got married, because this is something which would have been an issue - compromises on a wedding. Yes it’s perfectly normal to invite everyone, though his family wouldn’t dream of spending 200k. I am inclined to say if it means that much let them have their day: and do your day yourselves later. They will need to compromise on things, but I think it’s difficult for us to understand how much it means showing off your lovely son etc. Good luck!

And just to add it wasn’t all a nightmare, there’s a lot of assumptions going on here based on racial stereotypes. Yes Asian families often look after their elderly relatives, going into a care home certainly isn’t an option for my ex’s mother (father sadly passed). But this thread is about a wedding.

@FlowerArranger

What the actual hell point are you trying to make with that video? That there is a disparity in living conditions in India? Do you imagine this is not the case in the UK?

FFS

I haven't voted either, and like many others I think the way to go is a small intimate Scottish wedding, followed by the party in India.

While spending such a hug amount of money on a party may seem outrageous to many of us, it is the custom in India, and people going on about poverty won't change anything - if the wedding party didn't go ahead it isn't up to us to tell the OP's PIL how to spend their own money.

Your future in-laws sound like lovely people OP and I think you do need to go along with their plans, but there is no reason you can't have your own special day first. Enjoy both, and best wishes.

"huge" not hug!

Can't you persuade them to put £180k towards a house? Much better use of money and the remaining £20k on a reception for 300 people in the UK. You need to put across the idea that your marriage is to be a blend of two cultures. Not the Indian side dominating your own cultural traditions & vice versa. You all need to sit down and chat before a wedding date is set. If you can't agree on this then you will have difficulties in agreeing on future decisions.

I assume it isn't the custom for the people shown in the video FlowerArranger posted.

It’s a shock @FlowerArranger but Indian society is actually far more upwardly mobile than the UK’s. This is despite of the huge caste related discrimination that goes on. It has the fastest growing and youngest middle class in the world (these people come from the poorest sections of society that earn less than a dollar per day, because in India there are a number of schemes and charities that aim to push children into university and professional jobs).

@FazakAli - would you follow your own advice Fazak?

Yes,I can definitely see Mil, who’s saved a huge sum specifically for a wedding that she’s dreamt about for years, agreeing to divert 90% of it to a house purchase from which she’ll get zero benefit. You just would, wouldn’t you?

So Grumpy will this growing young middle class go on to have extravagant weddings for their families do you think? Not being goady, just interested.

Traditional weddings in the UK have changed drastically since when my parents got married, so it is much more about the bride and groom and not their families.

3000 is ridiculous. My cousin’s wife is a Indian. There were around 500 guests for their wedding in India.

I’d be very surprised if your BFs parents are paying for the wedding. Indian’s save for daughter’s weddings. It’s super unusual and unheard of to be saving for son’s wedding!! Oh, everyone has dream wedding wishes for their sons. That’s because the bride’s side pays.
I’d double check if your BF isnt paying for it on your behalf. That makes it even more ridiculous.

GrumpyHoonMain I did follow my own advice! My parents are also from the subcontinent but not India and the culture regarding weddings is similar but not completely the same.

My parents thankfully didn't spend £200k on a wedding, that would have been obscene & wasteful to them. They did give me money towards a house deposit & cash towards the wedding. My in laws were a bit like the op's mil and needed reigning in a bit but saw the wisdom in buying a house.

The op's partner needs to tackle his parents from a financial angle. Being the son, he can say that he doesn't want them to spend their hard earned retirement money on a wedding etc. Far better to spend the money on a party here inviting people that you actually know. However, communication is needed as it's much your wedding as it is his.