to veto 3000 strangers coming to my wedding?

[sooopersatsuma]

Name changed for this one!

I am in love with an Indian man and due to not so subtle hints I know he is going to propose soon and I am so excited!

I have the most wonderful soon to be MIL however in my DPs family and culture the wedding is all about the parents not the bride and groom. The parents plan everything. My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings! This will be an extravagant affair with elephants and 3000 strangers. It's my worst nightmare. But MIL has already excitedly told me about her plans (normal in that culture and very generous) but it is totally not what I want.

Im imagining a small intimate wedding with only close friends and family. As soon as we're engaged MILs planning will commence immediately and everything will be booked, so this is something I want to address before.

DP wants to please his mother and as weddings in his family are all about the parents he doesn't see it so much as our day but his mothers. Hes grown up with weddings like this so always imagined his own would be as extravagant.

£200,000 on a wedding is ridiculous isn't it? Ive suggested meeting somewhere in the middle, but I don't want 3000 strangers there, but this the most important aspect to MIL, that it's an open invitation with everyone they have ever met. She wants to show off her son and its a very social affair. I have hinted it will be too much and she insists I will love it. She will be devastated if I say no. AIBU to veto 3000 strangers at my wedding?

* 3000 is ridiculous. My cousin’s wife is a Indian. There were around 500 guests for their wedding in India.*

There were 2.000 guests at my sister’s Indian wedding in the UK. During holy months temple or mosque based weddings can have tens of thousands of guests in the UK.

I wondered about that @Janice88, because I would have thought that traditionally the brides parents would pay, but then maybe if they don’t have daughters they are happy to do their bit.

I'd do the UK and Indian one. You pay for the UK, they pay for the Indian. If his family can't travel to the UK one that's their choice- maybe hold it a few months earlier? I would be damn sure though that is the only big compromise you'll be expected to make. Are you planning on living with them long term? I would see that as you would still be expected to be making big compromises and I'm not sure I could manage that long term.

Op i married an Indian guy, we had a church wedding here which his parents flew over for and then we went over there and had a lunch for family and close friends then an evening do for all and sundry.
MIL would have had a hindu ceremony as well but DH put his foot down to that. I knew virtually no one but as it was just one day (not long drawn out 5 day event) i went along with it. I recognised it as a big thing for Mil as her only son was getting married and it us more about show in Indian culture.
I was dressed in full wedding sari but even tho it was daunting i loved it. Make sure DH stays with you or you gave an english speaking chaperone.
The gifts you will get will be amazing . If it is just one day i say go for it, and ignore people telling you you have a dh problem, they don't understand the culture.

And for the record you will not get 3000 people there, it is customary to invite everyone so as not to offend. We live in the UK and we get them even tho we will not attend.
You will get culture clashes so DH needs to be in your corner more than his mothers but i do get the wedding thing.
Maybe try to lose the elephants

Do they provide food for 3000 people even if they know 3000 people won't attend? What happens to the spare food?

OP, I think your mistake is seeing it as "spending £200,000, a liofetime of savings" when you could tell your future MIL a thousand different, more useful for you things she could spend the money. But the thing is, it is HER money and she is willing and happy to spend it in her son's wedding. if the wedding didn't happen, she wouldn't give you the money, or spend it in your life in any way. That momey is hers alone to do what she wants to do with it.

I recommend you to see this as an amazing experience your MIL is offering you, in which you can be the main character (together with your future DH) in a kind of a Disney's extravaganza. Indian weddings are not "just a waste of money", in India a wedding is not just "a ceremony", but the chance to present the couple in society, and society there truly includes the whole village and many others). It can be culturally enlightening, and if you go to it in the right frame of mind, an unforgettable experience that you will treasure for your whole life.

As others have said before, by all means get the wedding you really want in the UK. But your future Dh is Indian, he will always be, and this is an important part of her culture and her family. Your future MIL will become a crucial part of your family too, this is unavoidable. And this you need to accept if you want to marry this man.

(sorry for multiple typos, this is what happens when you press "post" without pre-reading)

Do they provide food for 3000 people even if they know 3000 people won't attend? What happens to the spare food?

In the UK any spare cooked food is usually packed and taken home to be served as dinner. But it’s rare for there to be more than a few plates extra. Guests are encouraged to take double and triple helpings for as long as the food is available (even if it means nothing’s left for the bride and groom). In India if there looks like there will be a guest shortage (it’s really rare but can happen during hotel or destination weddings!) poor/ homeless people are often encouraged to come in from the street and bring their families

From your OP, the man hasn't even proposed yet! This big wedding might not even happen.

284 responses and it looks like it’s only you and me who have noticed Magnolia

Is this one of those new fangled, modern style proposals where the couple have already agreed to marry in advance but it’s not official until there has been a ‘surprise’ (not very surprising at all) proffering of a ring, down on one knee, up the Eiffel Tower or on a Venetian gondola or something? All for the benefits of Instagram?

I find that more depressingly showy than a big Indian wedding TBH.

@GinAndNightnurse not necessarily. Me and fiancé have talked about kids and marriage early on. The there was 4 years of standing in front of rings with him saying 'Oh this one looks pretty don't you think' etc while prodding my fingers to guess my ring size etc. In the end I did ask him if he wanted me to just show him the ring I liked.

After 7 years together he did finally officially ask but it was in the privacy of our own home and no one there. We then had to keep it secret for another month while the ring was sized etc. Just because people are sure they are going to marry before anyone poped the question does not mean it is to make some big event out of it

I've been to a 'small' Indian wedding, there were about 200 and I only went to the last 3 days!

OP you need to sit your dp down and agree the things you will not compromise on. Not just for the wedding but for the marriage.

Eg watching a TV show about mixed race people and there were one or two people with muslim Arab fathers and white British mothers. One family kept a specific pan for bacon, in a different cupboard to the other pans, periodically the father would open the cupboard door and swear at it in Arabic.

Even in couples where you are from the same background there needs to be compromise between one family's way of doing things and the others.

Yes but I don’t imagine you were discussing the finer details of your wedding with your future MIL before he’d even proposed, were you lovepickledlimes?

My overriding thought is that why is the culture of the husbands side of the family taking priority over the culture of your side?

Your culture is a small intimate affair. Why is his culture the default? You need to think very carefully about setting boundaries and a line because i suspect if you don’t get your husband on board now there will be MANY more culture clashes down the road. Especially if you have children.

I suggest firm boundaries Established now is the only way forward.

@GinAndNightnurse True. But maybe it is the future MIL that brought up the subject etc. It could be a blessing though if these cultural differences are compatible enough for this marriage to even work. This is not going to be the last cultural clash.

My DPs family, not as well off as you would assume, have saved up 6 figures for his wedding, a lifetime of savings!

The first I have heard of an Indian family saving for a boy`s wedding. You might find out that your family is expected to foot the bill.

If they live in india. The six figures might be in rupees and so nothing close to the figure you have listed.

@Pollyputthepizzaon I agree with this so much. My cousins father saw the need to make a big event out of her wedding for cultural reasons. So in the end the compromise was the afternoon ceremony was as her and her husband wanted and the evening was the wedding her father in law wanted.

So even now it set the relationship that if he says jump both her and husband have to say how high etc. There was some rather bad behavior on his side but due to culture felt there was no need to apologies to us the brides side of the family. It was his son that in the end asked for forgiveness about what was said etc. I personally would find it impossible to compromise with a culture that valued me as little

@botanicalart True though equally they might understand that it is unfair to ask them to pay if it is not their culture that this event has been made as extravagant etc. I would just double check to make sure just in case who is expected to pay though

Actually @GrumpyHoonMain, you’ve brought up an interesting question that maybe you can answer; in general how do families figure out a date for a wedding to ensure the most important people can attend and aren’t away at another person’s wedding? Is it customary for guests to have to go to several weddings in a day? Is the “3000” or whatever number of guests over the course of the whole festivities or does everyone attend everything? I love logistics and I’m thinking in another life Indian wedding planner would’ve been my dream job .

@OhCaptain i haven't readallthe thread, what racist racist remarks have been made?

Guaranteed they wouldn't dare say it to a face but behind a keyboard they become warriors!!!

@gingersausage they make a date and if they can stick to it, great, if not they will attend part of at least show their face. Custom really.

My besties are Pakistani and same traditions, summer months they could have 5 weddings to attend over a weekend. Crazy, but they manage to attend all and for those they can't they split the family to attend all (if that makes sense)

I reckon you might as well go for it and just think of it as a huge celebration for which you are essential but only one part - it's basically a celebration of family, their son, you joining the family, family, friends, and a bit more family and friends! Just have a wedding in the UK too of the sort you would like. Congratulations!

This is the reason why people have two weddings! Have the wedding that your PILs have been saving for their whole life, and have your own wedding of your dreams

Do all 3000 guests bring gifts? if you have 5 weddings to attend over a weekend do you have to provide gifts for all 5? How much does a wedding cost a guest?

Indian weddings can be gigantic. Friend had one a few years back. I’d just sit back and let mil crack on. All you have to do is turn up and enjoy it. All the wedding planning - gone! Plus it will make your mil happy.

It seems a mind blowing waste of money but if that’s what she wants to do with her money, just let her crack on!

Ineedaholidaynow yes in most cases all 3000 guests would bring gifts. Although I don't think the 3000 number here is for individual invites. I had about 150 at my Indian wedding (yes it was a very small affair as compared to usual Indian weddings ), but we didn't have 150 invites going out. In India, when you invite someone you invite the entire family.. So if you were invited to an Indian wedding, they would expect you to turn up with DH and DCs.. So that's multiple people, but as a family you'll only bring one gift.

As for how much people spend on a gift.. It all depends on how close they are to the bride and groom's family and what they can afford..

For my wedding, I had strictly said on the invitation, that I don't want any gifts as I couldn't really get the gifts back to the UK. So I ended up getting cash from close family members. DH's close friends all got together and paid for our honeymoon accommodation in a lovely resort (they insisted on this). A lot of times, friends and colleagues pitch in together to give cash or gift vouchers.. That way the individual contribution isn't that big, but the amount of the gift is still big enough.