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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH should be grateful for what he has?

161 replies

popsydoodle4444 · 05/03/2020 17:50

Just need to get this off my chest before I explode.

I'm fed up with how ungrateful my DH is for the life we have.AIBU to think he should buck the hell up and be grateful.

He has a wife and 4 kids who love him and we do a heck of a lot for him.

I'm a WFHM;He doesn't bother to do any housework/shopping/washing/cooking etc as he says he "doesn't have time" as he works FT.I work from home and earn abit of money that way.Its not loads but means we don't have to find childcare/he doesn't have to do it (I use to have a PT job and he hated having to help with childcare).So I do the all the stuff connected to the home and kids.

We live in a decent sized house,in a nice area with good schools.

His family adore him even though he makes little effort to see them.

Our kids are doing well in school.

He has a good job locally,which pays decent money and is secure and he's given a decent shift pattern plus as much overtime as he likes.

But he's just so very ungrateful.He constantly moans about his job,he lies to them and throws sickies to go out with his mate;he'll literally drop everything to run off to mates house.

He constantly moans about me/criticises everything I do.He moans about and at the kids.He always snapping at us and is in a foul mood most of the time and isn't happy unless he's buggering off out with his mates.

He moans about the state of the house even though he doesn't lift a finger himself.He doesn't do any DIY or gardening and keeps saying he wants to move because he doesn't like where we live.(funnily enough he wants to up sticks and move to near his mates)

He makes no effort with his family.

I've organised a weekend away for his birthday tomorrow.He's in a foul mood all day,he's been quite horrible to me calling me a fat bitch and a cunt and has told me to cancel this weekend.I think he's behaving like this on purpose to get out of spending it with myself and the kids and wants to spend it with his mates instead.

He seems jealous of his mate who's a decade younger and has no kids.

I'm sick to death of his attitude.He has a decent life.Ive never met anyone as ungrateful for what they have as he is,

OP posts:
Youhedge · 05/03/2020 19:02

calling me a fat bitch and a cunt and has told me to cancel this weekend

Dear god, please tell me you don’t think this acceptable. I just don’t read any positives in your post OP. No wonder you’re not happy

SummerWhisper · 05/03/2020 19:04

What really stood out for me was how you put ungrateful as being the issue rather than him being an abuser. Take the children away tomorrow and read every answer to this post again. I am so sorry. I worry that you are minimising what he is - an abuser. Flowers

DingleberryRose · 05/03/2020 19:05

He seems jealous of his mate who's a decade younger and has no kids

I can see why to be honest. People are tricked into the cliche life. They get married, get a mortgage and have kids because it’s “what’s done“. Unfortunately, later on down the line they may realise not doing all that was a totally valid (and far easier) option.

SummerWhisper · 05/03/2020 19:06

Also, have you looked into the 'mate' that he keeps going to see?

ViciousJackdaw · 05/03/2020 19:08

Do you have a DD? Imagine her in 20 years time, crying over the kitchen table because her DP has called her (and not for the first time) a fat cunt. Maybe you have a DS. Imagine him in 20 years time, standing over his girlfriend, shouting that she's a fat cunt.

This is the example you and your DH are currently setting to the DC.

You must start making plans to leave.

TowandaForever · 05/03/2020 19:09

I’d take the children and go without him or tell him to go with his mate and enjoy the weekend without him at home.

MimiLaRue · 05/03/2020 19:10

he's been quite horrible to me calling me a fat bitch and a cunt and has told me to cancel this weekend

Why on earth would you tolerate this? its absolutely vile. He isn't just ungrateful- he's a fcking arsehole and he deserves to lose everything he has if this is his disgusting attitude.

I kind of agree with other PP he might be pushing you to end it for him because he doesnt have the balls. You need to get legal advice, this relationship is completely toxic and you'll end up butter and miserable if you stay.

user1423578854468 · 05/03/2020 19:13

What really stood out for me was how you put ungrateful as being the issue rather than him being an abuser.

I had a similar thought.

partofthepeanutgallery · 05/03/2020 19:15

He doesn't want to be there. And he's abusing you and neglecting his own family hoping you'll end it so you'll be the bad guy.

Vanhi · 05/03/2020 19:23

He'sa foul mood all day,he's been quite horrible to me calling me a fat bitch and a cunt and has told me to cancel this weekend

Up until this bit I was thinking it sounded as if he'd rather be single and that you might well be better off without him. But honestly OP that is shocking. It is in no way normal. I cannot in a million years imagine a loving partner saying those things. I'd cancel the weekend and work out how to separate. He can provide maintenance payments and go off and live with his mates.

itsgoodtobehome · 05/03/2020 19:31

Sounds like he doesn’t want to be married with 4 kids. I would let him go.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/03/2020 19:31

Why, on earth, have you not divorced him ages ago?

willowmelangell · 05/03/2020 19:32

You sound very grounded and content. He sounds like a dreaming teenager.
There is something about his mate's life that he wants very badly.

The putting on a grump about his birthday celebration is huge red flag. He wants a single mans celebration. Not a family mans.
You might have to start thinking that maybe, possibly, you two have outgrown each other. For you, family and husband is all you want and need. For him, it seems that a wife and children are, to quote Stallone, expendable.

You make his life easier. But yet seem to somehow annoy him no matter what you do.
He is telling you without saying the actual words.
If I said to you, "Popsy, he is being an arse to get you to finish the marriage." would you gasp and vehemently deny such an outrageous statement? Or would you say, 'I will have to think about that.'
I am so sorry you are going through such a troubled time. Only you can decide when that time finishes.

Bluntness100 · 05/03/2020 19:34

What really stood out for me was how you put ungrateful as being the issue rather than him being an abuser

My view was somewhat different. It stood out for me that the op felt he was ungrateful too, and totally agree he’s being abusive, but my first thought was it’s the op who likes her life, it’s she who thinks it’s a nice life, works from home as and when she wishes, looks after the kids, she likes it.

He doesn’t think it’s a nice life. He doesn’t like his job, he doesn’t like the area, isn’t happy and doesn’t feel it’s a nice life. It’s not a nice life simply because the op enjoys it.

The question as said is how the hell they got themselves into this position and why they agreed to have four kids. The mans made some decisions that he clearly should not have done, which doesn’t permit him to be abusive, he needs to own his decisions. But the op can’t dictate he should be grateful when it’s her who likes the life and he doesn’t.

DesLynamsMoustache · 05/03/2020 19:35

he's been quite horrible to me calling me a fat bitch and a cunt

And that would be an end to it for me. That is foul.

Wannakisstheteacher · 05/03/2020 19:35

He doesn't want to live the life you do anymore. The sooner you realise that the happier you'll be. You will waste your life trying to make him want the same things you want.

GettingUntrapped · 05/03/2020 19:37

Dear OP,

I hope you feel ok reading all these comments. Maybe you grew up in a similar environment where the man sort of held the wife responsible for everything, and he isn't able to even see the dysfunction. It's common, but awful to live with. Kind of like he sees you as his mother, the can holder. So, he seems like a man-child who is abusive.

I really hope you are feeling okay. It might come as a shock to you to read all this here. I'd recommend psychotherapy to get to the root of why you put up with him.

Wishing you well.

Friedmushroom · 05/03/2020 19:39

Maybe you have a DS. Imagine him in 20 years time, standing over his girlfriend, shouting that she's a fat cunt.

@ViciousJackdaw - this!

God OP, this is horrific behaviour and you & your DC deserve far more than this.

DP and I have been together 10+ years and don’t think he has ever called me any name or insulted me in anger. We would also still rather spend our time with each other than anyone else. I do realise I extremely lucky though!

Has he always been like this?!?

Winterwoollies · 05/03/2020 19:39

He sounds abusive, lazy, useless, immature and like he wants what he doesn’t have. He wants to pretend he’s young, free and single, child-free and can drink with his equally immature mates all day long.

He has no sense of responsibility and thinks nothing of calling you appalling names in an attempt to force you to cancel a weekend you’d planned for him. How detached from decency is that?! He sounds like a complete waster and an abusive no-mark to boot. Who lies to their work to have a day out with their mates?! Jesus.

I hope you and your children leave him to his pathetic wishes and have a lovely life without him. What a prick. I’m so cross on your behalf.

FlaskMaster · 05/03/2020 19:40

Why are you wasting your life on him? You are less than nothing to this man. :(

coolwalking · 05/03/2020 19:44

He doesn't want to have this life. He's not grateful because its making him miserable. You've stuffed up your own career/ life to pander to him.

He needs to leave. He'll never be happy and you will need to pick up the pieces. It's really shit.

Dailyjunglegrind · 05/03/2020 19:44

May I ask how old your DH is... .is he going through some midlife crisis? It is no excuse with an adoring family.... his comments disturb me & he is acting like a complete jerk and somewhat fascinated with his mate... have you taken precautions that mates...=other men not other women.

Your DH sounds totally disengaged and wanting to relive a lost youth?
I really feel for you OP...

Waveysnail · 05/03/2020 19:46

Did he want 4 children?

MrsGrindah · 05/03/2020 19:47

Do you really expect us to tell you you are being unreasonable?

GettingUntrapped · 05/03/2020 19:49

"You are less than nothing to this man."

I think she is someone to him. Someone to abuse because he isn't a grown-up who takes responsibility and probably isn't able to. He hardly sees his family, so maybe there is a history there.

It's sad, but happens. I'm not so sure he would go easily...

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