To think that some Mumsnetters hate men?

[Ruby8719]

Am I being unreasonable to think that some (not all) mumsnetters hate men and can’t wait to jump in and tell women to leave their husbands?

Obviously there are a lot of stories on here about husbands/boyfriends/dads that sound like arseholes but the amount of comments I see from strangers telling women to leave their men for making a mistake is crazy!!

Yes it is true. It is also easy to take that stance when you are just firing off a post and not living the real life of the op. In fact such judgmental advice is often counter productive as it makes the poster feel weak and powerless nad even less likely to deal with things. Also we only hear one side of every story, some may not be entirely true

Reading this site, I am more struck with how much shit so many women put up with and think is normal. The LTB stuff seems generally very reasonable to me.

But I do think any man who has a genuine query would do much better to post the same query as a woman.

That sounded harsher than I meant it to!

What I mean is, I think if someone posts about MH, male or female, they get nothing but support.

But oftentimes women post about toxic situations where they’re in so deep they can’t recognise it.

And people rarely post when things are going well!

Buzz, you're doing exactly what people are saying they hate about this site, you're attacking someone for raising a valid point

I don't think it was a valid (or accurate) point though. I thought it came across like a handmaideny type of comment by someone who dislikes the strong woman posters on MN. Ergo, that poster would seem to be more at home with the tone on Pistonheads where that is not in evidence.

Purple sums it up beautifully for me.

I also post occasionally but lurk regularly on FWR. My belief is that (if we're taking about abuse) not all men are predators but all rapists are men. And if you consider how many women and girls are at some point in their life harassed/abused/assaulted and raped there's either an awful lot more men doing these things than some posters would like to believe, or a handful of men are doing it all the time. So whichever way you look at it, this behaviour is a massive fucking problem which hurts lots of women.

Very much agree but think it is driven by hasty judgment of the situation. People often assume the worst and label everything that isn't perfect behaviour as abuse, sees to me it trivialises abuse but what do I know of these things!

Where have you ever seen someone say men aren’t allowed to have MH problems?

It's not unusual to see a poster talking about DH's mental health problems then someone piping up to say "he's not depressed/whatever he's just saying that to manipulate/control you" without the slightest shred of evidence that that's what's happening

Well that’s just not true. Where have you ever seen someone say men aren’t allowed to have MH problems? Ever?

I haven't seen anyone saying men can't have MH problems but I have seen plenty of times were a man's mental health problems garner no sympathy, whereas a woman in the same boat would receive support.

So for example, if a man is depressed I've seen loads of posters saying depression isn't an excuse, that it's his responsibility to go and get his mental health supported meantime it's not an excuse to check out of family life etc etc.

I've never seen a woman with depression told that it's her responsibility to get her mental health sorted and meanwhile to get on as normal because it's no excuse.

try something...

starts a thread from a female perspective
and start a thread from a male perspective

the difference in the replies is staggering.

(of course, don't do that, because posting fake threads is obviously against MN rules and guidelines )

To be honest, I see more posters twisting themselves into knots trying to justify some man or other being an utter arsehole.

@ohcaptain I said “sometimes”. I have a lot of experience with mental health and what I meant by that is that sometimes posters don’t consider the mans side of things and why they are behaving the way they are. I really want to stress that I think the advice given to the OP is sometimes harsh and unhealthy. Not all mumsnetters are like this.

Sorry it’s hard to explain in a snapshot of text rather than a conversation.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras - you explained that better than me thanks!!!!

I do hate men. Not the ones i love and care about. But the ones i love and care about are good people and they're a vanishingly small number amongst the other men i know who are arseholes. Ranging from sexist and thoughtless right up to paedophiles and rapists. If it weren't for men i wouldn't be suffering from severe and recurring depression. Read a paper. How many of the problems in it are caused and perpetuated by living in a fucking patriarchal nightmare where how much you can swing your dick is way more important than being a decent person.

Way you also need to bear in mind is that every story has two sides and the posters themselves could be massive bullshitters.

@Ruby8719 yes I think it's a theme that men's shit behaviour is taken at face value, with no attempt to dig into why. Obviously that doesn't and shouldn't apply to violence but an awful lot of LTB IS not about violence. Just poor communication and different standards.

@stormbaby Agree. I also think that sometimes people find it hard to accept the situation they’re in and find it hard to adjust. E.g woman at home on maternity - man working full time - man is expected to walk through through the door like Mary poppies on speed and solve all life’s problems.

Again just to be clear this is not all mums on maternity and some men are useless.

starts a thread from a female perspective
and start a thread from a male perspective

the difference in the replies is staggering.

So for example, a man is raped by a woman who got him drunk, or he has to make a decision about his unwanted pregnancy, or its just assumed that he'll do all the childcare while his wife goes skiing, and he has mastisis?

Men and women have different lives. They are not equivalent. Of course the responses would be different!

Mary poppins

So for example, a man is raped by a woman who got him drunk, or he has to make a decision about his unwanted pregnancy, or its just assumed that he'll do all the childcare while his wife goes skiing, and he has mastisis?

So the only defence you have is to be sarcastic?

Why not compare two situations that are the same? A man being cheated on and a woman being cheated on, men behaving unreasonably in a divorce and a woman behaving unreasonably in a divorce, man with depression and a woman with depression, man losing interest in sex and a woman losing interest in sex - I've seen all of these scenarios on here and the replies are always very different depending on the sex of the person concerned.

It's not just men. We hate everyone

A lot of men hate women. That's the bigger problem.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras I wasn't being sarcastic! Even if you leave sex specific information like pregnancy out of your description of the problem, those differences still exist in real life, and of course they affect how people interpret it

I’m surprised some posters don’t seem to know about this. I think it’s accurate enough. A woman who is depressed, making mistakes and low will be treated with sympathy while a man is a cocklodger.

However, I do also agree that there are some shitty men out there. Hard to say, really.

I wonder what men sound like when large numbers of them discuss women online.

All part of life’s rich tapestry, OP! One of the delights of MN is the variety of opinions and knowledge on here. Free speech is alive and well, unlike in Wokeville.
I’m sure posters are capable of reading the various replies and advice they receive and making their own minds up.
And I certainly think there are far, far, more women in abusive relationships needing our help to a) recognise the abuse and b) safely leave, than there are women posting trivial complaints and being told to LTB over nothing.