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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that some Mumsnetters hate men?

508 replies

Ruby8719 · 05/03/2020 14:53

Am I being unreasonable to think that some (not all) mumsnetters hate men and can’t wait to jump in and tell women to leave their husbands?

Obviously there are a lot of stories on here about husbands/boyfriends/dads that sound like arseholes but the amount of comments I see from strangers telling women to leave their men for making a mistake is crazy!!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/03/2020 18:04

Worra comparing being wary of men for the reasons posters have provided, to racism is pretty offensive.

Then it's a good job I didn't do it isn't it? Hmm

I'm comparing prejudice here because people are excusing those who are saying they hate all men, due to their own personal experiences.

I see a huge similarity between that and someone saying they hate all (insert race), due to their own personal experiences.

It's just not on to declare hatred for roughly half the population and it certainly wouldn't be as apparently 'acceptable' if that was the case.

WorraLiberty · 05/03/2020 18:06

How can anyone compare calling men out for poor behaviour to racism?

Again no-one has.

My statement wasn't about 'calling men out for poor behaviour' and nor was it about women being 'wary' of men.

It's about people casually claiming hatred of all men and being so casual about it. Also about those who are making excuses for those who hate all men.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 18:07

The day I see women issuing death threats to men just for having an opinion, sexually assaulting men in huge numbers, killing 2 men a week in domestic violence cases, making huge amounts of porn around the humiliation and pain of men etc, is the day I start worrying about man hating women.

2 wrongs don't make a right though.

If the men who are doing those things came on here for advice, then sure, they would deserve everything that was said to them but why does a decent bloke who has never done those things but who is genuinely in need of some advice deserve to be hated on?

It's no more than bullying, picking on a weaker person and venting hatred and anger on them because the deserving target is either unavailable or too intimidating.

AngelsSins · 05/03/2020 18:11

but why does a decent bloke who has never done those things but who is genuinely in need of some advice deserve to be hated on?

I never said he does

Sagradafamiliar · 05/03/2020 18:12

If you're correct, then surely those posters hate women too? As they're the ones being told to LTB for no good reason? Confused

Fannia · 05/03/2020 18:13

I agree we shouldn't be sexist against men, and I actually think any decent man would be on here saying LTB with the rest of the vipers. Excusing bad behaviour is sexist against men as if they can't help it, or are too stupid to know it's wrong.

SoupDragon · 05/03/2020 18:16

I agree. Sometimes I think "I hope that poster doesn't have a son".

Northernsoullover · 05/03/2020 18:22

I don't like many men and like a previous poster if my relationship went tits up I'd certainly not be in a hurry to date again (if ever).
What really gets up my nose is if a man dares to post with something simple like 'my ex slept with my best friend and now wants 100% of the house' immediately its 'well we only have your side of the story did you do enough housework?'.
On a recent post there was a comment of something along the lines of 'dancing around his cock' if anyone agreed with him. We only ever have one side of a post. Some posts may not even be true at all!

FrogsFrogs · 05/03/2020 18:28

To the poster upthread who wants to know why rape in English law is defined as penetration with a penis, and thinks this is a bad law, you'd need to take that up with the lawmakers. Writing to your mp may be a good place to start.

On this,

'Forcing a man to have sex isn't assault by penetration is it?'

Yes a man who rapes another man can be tried for rape.

The sex of the victim is not relevant to the law. You can read more here www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/contents

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 18:28

I agree Northern.

Yesterday a poster wrote that her 13 year old son had been rude about his dinner. In the op she accused him of having a mantrum and dick swinging and then later taking the piss out of him having manflu - about her 13 year old son.

Another thread - a male youth worker volunteering for 4 weeks with the Brownies as 1 of his placements with the church - is accused of his presence being creepy (only because he's a man, not because the poster knew him or had anything at all to base their opinion on), of being weird and under suspicion, literally and only because he's male.

Whatafustercluck · 05/03/2020 18:31

The only LTBs I've seen are with considerable justification.

Incidentally I'm a feminist. I have a dh and ds who I love very much - as well as my dd. I don't hate men, I hate the things that some men do, by virtue that they're men. But I hate even more that society continues to spawn them.

AlanRickmanFanClub · 05/03/2020 18:34

We only hate the cheaters, abusers (mental, sexual and financial) men-children, professional incompetents, lazy, greedy, cocklodgers, those incapable of parenting their own children, the list goes on but some men are lovely; the difficulty is finding one.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 18:34

'Forcing a man to have sex isn't assault by penetration is it?' this was my question, meaning a woman who forces a man to have sex with her

Yes a man who rapes another man can be tried for rape. - which wasn't my question.

The sex of the victim is not relevant to the law. - again, this wasn't my question.

If a woman starts having sex with a man who is unconscious through drink or drugs isn't charged with rape because rape can only be committed by a man. So what would they be charged with?

A woman who forces another woman to have sex won't be charged with rape, but what is it?

I do think the law should be changed so that these offences are the same. I don't think the sex of the offender should matter. Forcing someone to have sex without consent should be rape.

FrogsFrogs · 05/03/2020 18:37

''Forcing a man to have sex isn't assault by penetration is it?' this was my question, meaning a woman who forces a man to have sex with her'

Why are you ignoring male on male sexual violence?

It's an area that does tend to be overlooked, I'm pleased that it's being reported more in the news, and victims are more encouraged to come forward. The recent stories about grooming and trafficking in the football clubs were heart breaking.

FrogsFrogs · 05/03/2020 18:38

'I do think the law should be changed so that these offences are the same'.

Write to your MP. I didn't write the law. I'm not sure why you're trying to argue with me when I'm just trying to answer your questions about the law, factually.

FrogsFrogs · 05/03/2020 18:39

'A woman who forces another woman to have sex won't be charged with rape, but what is it?'

I provided you with a link to the England and Wales sex offences laws, the info you seek is there.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 18:41

Why are you ignoring male on male sexual violence?
Where are you getting that from? I'm not ignoring that at all. I know the answer to that. I know that a man can rape another man.

My original question was specifically about one particular offence - why isn't it rape when a woman has sex with a man without his consent?

Time and again on threads like this a similar point is made - 100% of raped are committed by men. Well, yes, because rape,as an offence, can only be committed by men. Hence my question - what is it when a woman has sex with a man without his consent?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 18:43

I provided you with a link to the England and Wales sex offences laws, the info you seek is there.

And I disagree with it. Sex without consent should be rape regardless of the sex of the offender. I'm not arguing with you about it. I'm taking issue with you misinterpreting what I've said and then accusing me of ignoring things.

AngelsSins · 05/03/2020 18:50

So do you not think there should be a distinction seeing as a man is able to not only rape a woman, but potentially force her into pregnancy? Does that not matter? Does it not need to be noted in law?

By the way, men wrote rape laws, and originally they were about one man’s property (his wife or daughter) being “damaged” by another man. So written by men, for men.

AngelsSins · 05/03/2020 18:51

Oh and it’s sexual assault if a woman “rapes” a man, which can carry just as long as a term as rape can.

FrogsFrogs · 05/03/2020 18:54

Thanks Angela.

Hear, I hope that helps, and if you want change your mp is probably the place to start.

bringincrazyback · 05/03/2020 18:58

Well that’s just not true. Where have you ever seen someone say men aren’t allowed to have MH problems? Ever?

Quite often when a poster's partner seems to be struggling with life (ie possibly having trouble with their MH or, heaven forfend, struggling to adjust to fatherhood) they're referred to as a manchild. To me that says a lot.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/03/2020 19:02

So do you not think there should be a distinction seeing as a man is able to not only rape a woman, but potentially force her into pregnancy? Does that not matter? Does it not need to be noted in law?

But a man can rape a man - no danger of pregnancy so risk of pregnancy cannot be the distinction can it?

Oh and it’s sexual assault if a woman “rapes” a man, which can carry just as long as a term as rape can.

And sexual assault can mean lots of other things too so it lessens the seriousness of the crime.

Either make all sex without consent rape or sexual assault. The sex of the offender should not make a difference.

Pumperthepumper · 05/03/2020 19:13

It does though Hooves. How’s your letter to your MP coming along?

samyeagar · 05/03/2020 19:14

Reading numerous threads and responses here on mumsnet, the number and types of things that have been called abusive, controlling, manipulating...I have thought back over all of my previous relationships, and it would appear that every single one I have been in has been highly abusive, and every partner I have ever had has been controlling and manipulative.