What is fair financially?

[AmIbeingtoomean]

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

Block and delete him op.
Before you go to sleep tonight..
Fresh start tomorrow...

Well done OP, I am so relieved for you. I would have got back on the Eurostar and gone without him. What a waste of space!

I seriously considered getting back on and going on tbe holiday. I didn't because I thought it wouldn't have been much fun on my own and the break would been spoiled by me feeling guilty.

In any case I'm glad I stayed off as he was in a state and needed me to sort getting us back through departures/customs and changing our tickets to get back home. I feel I have handled the situation with as much empathy as I could.

But it also reinforced my decision as I don't want a relationship where I have to look after the other person.

And I haven't responded to his last two texts. He hasn't sent any for over an hour now. I have some stuff of his to drop off so will sort that this weekend.

Wow, just wow!

Well done OP.
Definitely take some time to digest dodging a huge bullet.

I'm not cross or impatient at the last minute panic attack although I am disappointed. Its his ASD that causes the anxiety so it isn't his fault. He was really upset with himself.

You've saved yourself many years of pain and regret.

Well done.Life really is too short.

I am so relieved for you OP. It sounds like it was a tough call but you know it was the right one.

And all that hassle within five months. You've dodged a bullet.

Like you say he was agreeing to paying his share but still felt it was unfair which would be a worry as it's clearly quite a fair amount you would have expected.... it would have meant further issues down the line with money.
Glad you've got out op life is too short to spend it with people you have to convince to be fair!

Congratulations. He sounded like a wannabe cocklodger.

Hi OP, I'm a latecomer to the thread but want to chip in and say: I had a very very similar situation to what you described at the start of the thread with me owning a nice 3 bed house, boyfriend living in rented (although it wasn't damp it was quite nice), I was the higher earner etc.

After only 6 months we decided to move in together and decided the best option was for him to move in with me. He assumed that he would split every bill including the mortgage 50/50 with me and I had to persuade him otherwise. I felt that half of the bills plus a contribution towards the mortgage was more fair and I ended up asking him for £365 a month. (I was earning significantly more at the time- our salary gap was bigger than yours). I think on some level I asked him for a bit less because he had be so keen to pay more! Also I felt like I knew that it didn't matter really because long term our money would be shared. His open and generous attitude to money made me love him more and now we have a mortgaged house in joint names and dc together.
I think you did absolutely the right thing in your situation and you learned a lot about his character from the household finances debates.
Good luck to you and to him.

When DH and I first lived together it was in my (owned/mortgaged) flat. Everything was 50/50 our salaries were very similar and he'd have been paying three times more to rent on his own because my mortgage was considerably less than rent on an equivalent property would have been. He saw it as very reasonable and actually asked if that was enough. We ended up putting the money we were both saving in living costs in a joint savings account and had lots of holidays and a great social life and money towards a bigger property. The equity from that flat went into our joint house but he still insisted my equity was protected as he felt he had no claim on my flat and had essentially been paying me a very low rate of rent to live there. We're married now so it's all irrelevant anyway, but it showed me very clearly who he was as a person and there wasn't a hint of cocklodger.

Oh no I just read your update. RUN!

Better yet you move into his flat, pay no rent just half the bills and then rent your house out making yourself a packet!

Yeah YANBU, he's a total chancer. He's trying to pay for board (utilities) but avoid room (rent/mortgage).

Extra cheeky he's wanting to wait for lodger to move so you're down in income then refuse to contribute!

Just chiming in to say the same as everyone else. You've dodged a bullet there, OP. I'm sure he has good qualities, but he's clearly looking for a partner to prop him up financially and probably emotionally as well.

That's a big ask for someone you've only known for 5 months!

I have had more texts today saying he really regrets the holiday and would forgive me if I changed my mind about ending it as we were both not in right frames of mind yesterday.

I definitely was in the right frame of mind and will not be reversing my decision.

He would forgive you? Fuck that!
Right decision made 👍🏻

he would forgive me if I changed my mind about ending it as we were both not in right frames of mind yesterday

Not so regretful after all then ... manipulative bastard

He’ll be kicking himself over how much money you were going to save him, after only 5 months!

He’s a self righteous little git, isn’t he? You’re well rid.

He'd Forgive You !!!!! Well that text of his just confirmed you made the right call, well done Op for not just settling.

Hilarious Op.

Bullet...dodged👏👏👏

So it still hasn't occurred to him that he's caused you to LOSE MONEY ON A HOLIDAY YOU DIDN'T END UP GOING ON BECAUSE OF HIM!

He hasn't even apologised for anything!

I wish people would stop excusing bullshit behaviour just because someone also has ASD.......you can be a dickhead irrespective of ASD.

This guy already knew about his issues about travelling away from home - what has HE done about it other than shove his head in the sand?
So panicked he couldn't even get himself home? Bullshit! He just doesn't have the maturity to deal with a new experience like sorting out tickets and getting himself from A to B.