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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is fair financially?

402 replies

AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:34

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

OP posts:
Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:57

All household bills, including WiFi, TV license etc is covered by the £400. Only things not included is food, loo roll etc. My car costs don't count but I happily give lifts etc without petrol money. He doesn't yet drive but wants to learn.

OP posts:
DesLynamsMoustache · 05/03/2020 10:57

Honestly, anyone who says YABU is nuts. This man earns £1900 a month and thinks £175 is a fair amount to pay. I'm actually amazed. He's saving a huge amount of money by moving in compared to what he has to pay just now and that still isn't enough for him, he wants to squeeze whatever he can. No wonder there are so many cocklodgers when some people seem to think that's acceptable Confused

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 05/03/2020 10:57

Just re Read your OP again...

He doesn't want you 'paying your mortage' or 'profiting' from him??? What a CF!!

He's hoping to live essentially rent free...

How is he going to be of you buy together???

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 10:58

He's taking the absolute piss. I'd scrap the idea of living together altogether, personally.

user1493413286 · 05/03/2020 10:58

I lived with DH (then DP) and paid half towards his mortgage and bills; that seemed fair to me and was still significantly cheaper than paying rent on a same size place. To live with someone and only pay towards bills and not pay any “rent” is cocklodger territory to me. Also you’re going to lose money by him doing this as you currently have income from your lodger

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 11:01

I would happily keep my lodger on or get another one if BF moved in. I have the room. He wants us to live alone with no lodger.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 05/03/2020 11:04

Sometimes people are advised not to accept money towards a mortgage to prevent the other person getting any beneficial interest in their home. In that case splitting bills (but not mortgage) protects your home. Ask him to sign something that he has no claim on your home and is not paying towards it.

You could accept the situation if he pays an agreed amount each month into (his own)savings towards his share of the deposit for your home. Make it clear that if he is not saving towards your next home and just living cheaply and spending all his money then he is taking advantage of you and your relationship will break down and he will be asked to leave.

If your relationship is good and he is honest and trustworthy I wouldn’t let it all get bitter over £200. Get him to save it for your next move and hope you enjoy a happy life long partnership.

P.s. while he doesn’t want to pool finances and pay his full share don’t pay more because you earn more. Split costs of food/holidays etc 50:50 (he can afford to with cheap living) until you are a full financial blend as a couple. He can afford to pay his way despite earning less.

antisupermum · 05/03/2020 11:05

£175pm is solid cocklodger offer.
Be firm about your expectations now as things will only continue down this path if you allow his wants and needs to override your own. No one WANTS a lodger, you do it for financial benefit. Therefore, why would you have bothered all these years if you could have managed without? He hasn't put any logic or consideration for you at all here, and that is troubling.

RB68 · 05/03/2020 11:05

why should he benefit from you owning a property without any contribution, he should pay a fair amount for essentially a room - even though he will be treating it like his own place.

Its not paying towards your mortgage - its paying for what he uses ffs

FinallyHere · 05/03/2020 11:06

can see things a bit black and white

I'd suggest he pay at the new, £450 rather than the old £400 rather. You are not worse off and he is considerably better off.

I'd be sorry if he tried to get himself a better deal than that, when it really is on any objective measure a good deal for him.

What is not ''black and white' about that?

If it looks like a wannabe cocklodger and smells like a cocklodger ...

I'd offer him that or he stays where he is.

ConkerGame · 05/03/2020 11:06

I was in your position and my DP paid half of the combined mortgage and bills amount. That was still £300 less per month than on his rented place so he was saving and it meant I didn’t lose out on the lodger money I’d been receiving. That’s fair as far as I’m concerned.

ConkerGame · 05/03/2020 11:08

Oh and yes I made DP sign an agreement that if we split and weren’t yet married then he had no claim at all on my home.

Arfarfarf · 05/03/2020 11:11

You got yourself another cocklodger there I'm afraid OP

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/03/2020 11:14

Wow, £400 per month. Can I move in OP.

I think he’s having a giraffe. He’s living in a house that has to be paid for one way or t’other. If it was rent he’d be expected to pay, and chances are it would be paying the LL’s mortgage.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all live rent free.

Blimeyoreilly2020 · 05/03/2020 11:16

Oh dear, he’s being unreasonable. He needs to understand your points or you need to tell him to go buy his own place....

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 11:18

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage

oh, that doesn't sound good at all!
It doesn't matter if it's a mortgage or rent, the point is him contributing. If he is already reluctant, good luck for years to come. Lodger rate seems pretty generous.

£400 a month for roof and all bills? You are so not unreasonable! He is.

Don't move in with him until you sort it out, or you will be the one seriously losing out.

SwishSwishSheesh · 05/03/2020 11:18

Tell him he's already contributing to someone else's mortgage by paying his rent. What a cheeky fucker!

Grumpos · 05/03/2020 11:19

He’s going to be saving a hell of a lot of money by moving in with you and he’s complaining!
If you do end up buying somewhere together he will benefit from your equity and so by paying lodger rates he will have inadvertently helped towards the shared place anyway - does he not see this? It’s literally win win. You get to live together, he saves a ton every month and you aren’t out of pocket by losing a lodger.

It should be proportional and you’ve suggested an amount which actually benefits him and he doesn’t want to pay it, rather pay less and you be out of pocket?

I do somewhat understand why he’d be reluctant to pay “towards the mortgage” on a very basic level but that’s not how it works in the real world - any decent, self respecting person (Male or female) would not insist that the other person is out of pocket for their benefit. We should all aim to pay our fair share out in the world - it’s common decency. You’re not being unreasonable to be put off by his stance on this. I would be.

nettie434 · 05/03/2020 11:20

I would happily keep my lodger on or get another one if BF moved in. I have the room. He wants us to live alone with no lodger.

Well he can’t have it both ways. It should be either no lodger and he pays more or a lodger and he can just pay for his bills/food. YANBU.

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 05/03/2020 11:21

Counter argument is that you are benefiting from living with someone you care about etc as opposed to a random lodger. You will have the benefit of a spare room again etc.

Regardless of final decision or subsequent negotiations, draft up a brief contract that makes it clear he is a lodger and you have the right to give him X notice to get out if you were ever in the situation where you split up.

Grumpos · 05/03/2020 11:22

Just to add because it winds me up - meanness and stinginess is such an unattractive trait in a person!!!

SimonJT · 05/03/2020 11:23

We have been discussing this as we’re hoping to move in together in about nineish months.

I own (well mortgaged) my flat, he currently rents. When he moves in he will pay half of the utilities, food bill, council tax etc. Unless we owned a property together or were joint tenants of a rental property then I wouldn’t accept any rent from him.

Howyiz · 05/03/2020 11:24

So he doesn't want you to profit from him but he has no problem profiteering off you to your detriment? Angry
Plus, you don't mind a lodger but he doesn't want one. So he wants to dictate what happens in your house as well as not pay towards his living expenses,?
Tell him to stay where he is and when he has saved enough you can look at buying something together.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 11:25

I would happily keep my lodger on or get another one if BF moved in. I have the room. He wants us to live alone with no lodger.

He doesn't want to contribute to mortgage or upkeep so he doesn't get to decide.

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 11:25

If you do end up buying somewhere together he will benefit from your equity and so by paying lodger rates he will have inadvertently helped towards the shared place anyway - does he not see this? It’s literally win win.

Yes - I don't 'need' the lodger money to survive. I save it towards buying in a better area in a few years time. I also have a good chunk of equity so if we bought together, the deposit would be 6:1 in my favour. He would clearly benefit from this as we should get a better mortgage deal.

OP posts: