What is fair financially?

[AmIbeingtoomean]

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

What @billy1966 and @UYScuti said.

Personally I'd just wait, give it time. No rush to move in together. See where all this is going. Sit back, observe, reflect....... Talk. And talk some more. Think again. THEN decide whether he really might be the one.

Hi OP,
In your position I think I would rescind your offer to move in together. If your happy with your lodger I see no reason to end things just because he doesn’t want a lodger. Perhaps say upon reflection you don’t feel ready to move in together. Might be interesting to see what he says.

I think £400 is not enough I'd want 50/50 on everything ,I'd tell him not to bother moving in get his own mortgage if he's not happy He would still have loads of disposable income at 50/50. X

Keep the lodger. Leave the boyfriend where he is x

I would not move in with him. Unless it was a different house purchased 50/50 and 50/50 on all bills, food, maintenance ect. X

Too late now, but I think you would have got completely different responses if you had said "Person A-Person B" and kept it gender neutral instead of saying "my boyfriend and I".

I wouldn't take him OP. I have read far too many threads on here where roles are reversed and the OP is encourage to treat payments as contribution to mortgage and asked to have her name on it, imagine him trying to pressure you into that. There's no way you should move this guy in, keep the lodger instead. I used to pay DH rent when I move in btw.

I can’t get over wants your lodger gone, doesn’t want to replace ANY of that income... and wants the spare room just for his stuff! It’s all very ‘this doesn’t protect ME but I’m offended you need protection’ me me me.

I don't think that either of you are being unreasonable. I think he is reasonable to not want to live with a lodger. I think that you are reasonable to not want to be down £400. For the moment it sounds as though things are best kept as they are.

(When DP moved in with me, we split the bills and food 50:50. I didn't want to take a penny of rent/board off him as I didn't want him to have a claim on my house - like you this was based on previous experience. With the money he has saved he has been able to buy a house. What I wish we'd considered at the start is what to do with big one-off purchases such as a new washing machine or the garden fence needing replacing.).

I think it's wonderful you have learnt from your past mistakes with cocklodgers

I think your 3 options are good, although I still think he should contribute some rent even if you keep your other lodger - you don't need to rescue him and let him live for free.
Email them to him and let him think about it.

Congrats on your new job!

suggest that he stays in his mouldy festering bedsit, keep your lodger or find another at market rent, and a new boyfriend.
Would you seriously want to continue a relationship with this selfish, mean entitled twat?

I never understand the concept that some people have that if you move into someone’s home and aren’t on the mortgage you should get to live rent free and just pay for your share of the bills. So grabby. Live rent free my arse.

Op your way is the right way and you’ve found another cock lodger.

I suggest you continue to pay the mortgage entirely yourself. That protects your investment. He could pay all the household utility bills in lieu of rent and in recognition of a roof over his head, which leaves him way better off. That seems to be about £395 but will obviously increase if he takes hour long showers or leaves doors open or tumble dries everything he washes. If the contents insurance goes up to cover his stuff (you'll need to review this) or he wants faster broadband or extra subscriptions, his contribution goes up to cover it. If the mortgage goes up, you cover it.

If he really wants sole use of the spare room, ask him for an extra £50pcm as you're then effectively paying for a 3 bedroom house and only enjoying 2.

I'd wait for the lodger to leave, not hustle them out, and when he moves in, agree a 3 month trial session to see if both of you are happy. Then if he moans about having to pay or defaults or turns your home into a shithole, you have an end date!

If he doesn't like your terms, othe rentals are available!

My son's favourite Star
And what great taste he has!
🌟💫😊🌟💫

I thought Help-to-buy ISAs were no longer available.

Does cocklodger-wannabe already have one?

They are available but they're called something else now.

I never understand the concept that some people have that if you move into someone’s home and aren’t on the mortgage you should get to live rent free and just pay for your share of the bills. So grabby. Live rent free my arse

Completely agree, Bluntness, yet they’re happy to pay a landlord’s mortgage. The security thing is a complete red herring as is the “you don’t share the landlord’s bed” nonsense. No, and your landlord doesn’t supply sexual favours either.

It’s even more clear cut in this instance where OP’s boyfriend wants to pay next to nothing AND take £400 a month of her income away. He must think she just sailed down the Lagan in a bubble.

@wineandroses1 she said he has enough to buy a small flat so he must already have one because you can only deposit £200 a month

Why can’t he buy the flat on a residential mortgage, live in it for 6-12 months, THEN get consent to let, find a good letting agent and take out landlord insurance?

Then he has the fallback position of being a homeowner.

It seems crazy to have saved the deposit and not use it.

Regarding independence, I always felt MORE insecure over my XP's love for me since he was financially dependent on me. I would want any partner to be able to easily afford to leave because that means they are staying because they want to rather than have to.

But you have the same situation brewing here, it is SO obvious.

He is seeing the £££ signs before anything else. His conversation and focus so far hasn't been on the relationship and your joint future, he's spent his time trying to push up the money he'll save. He's moving in because it will save him money. He's actively showing you that he's willing to try and game you so he's not just saving, he's pushing you to be personally out of pocket. He's really not nice and yes he IS out for himself.

I don't want him to lose out which is why I thought my offer was fair as it let him save lots extra.

Yes, exactly. He's the opposite. He's pushing for you to lose out to save him even more.

Can't you see this? I would say that if what I've quoted above is a worry for you - the idea that they are there not just for the relationship - then really you should be putting a halt to this and saying let's give it another six months/ a year.

That will give you more time to really see his motivation, I think.

OP, as @Bluntness100 wrote,

the idea that you just move in with a partner and don't pay any rent, because they have a mortgage is frankly unbelievable.

He doesn't get to decide what he pays.

He gets told by YOU, this is what I will accept, take it or leave it.

He pays rent and 50% of everything else.

He then gets to decide if he wants to accept. That is HIS choice.

OP, just so there isn't ambiguity.....if you allow him to bully you into accepting a financial loss whilst he gains income and moves in with you.........YOU will have just walked yourself into living arrangements with......

A Cocklodger

A Financially abusive man

A Bully.

......AGAIN.

Do you really want to make the same mistake AGAIN.

ANOTHER cocklodger, a bully, a financially abusive git, pushing to move into your home and dictate the rules by which you live in it (what he will pay, get rid of lodger, use that room for his spare stuff). Are you even listening? This has more red flags than a Labour convention.

I’d keep the lodger and only move him in if he’s willing to pay lodger rates. He will be saving a substantial amount moving in with you even paying the lodger rate so he should thank himself lucky really. When he pays rent he is helping to pay for the landlord’s mortgage, tell him that.

This was only raised a few nights ago (when we were in bed - maybe he finds it easier with the lights off) and I said the £400 if no lodger is my position. If the lodger stays we will have a different conversation. So he hasn't been badgering me. Just one convo so far.

Like I said, I told him to go away and think about it again. He is usually the one initiating conversations about our future so I'll wait and see what he comes back with. Hopefully he'll just agree and that will be the end of it.

I have said I'm not asking my lodger to leave until October at the earliest (that was what I agreed so am not going to backtrack on a promise to lodger) so I have plenty of time. He would like lodger to leave sooner but knows that is my decision.

We are going away to France for four days next week so maybe he'll mention it again after we are back. I don't want to discuss it on holiday.

We got together in Sep last year.