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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What is fair financially?

402 replies

AmIbeingtoomean · 05/03/2020 10:34

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

OP posts:
sunshineANDsweetpeas · 07/03/2020 06:19

Yanbu

Tbh I'd seriously think about moving him in if that's his attitude. Infact my dh says you should bin him altogether

userinterface34 · 07/03/2020 07:22

Not all of your mortgage is pure profit though. A chunk of it will be interest so effectively a bill in itself. That said I think he’s been cheeky and grabby at not paying 400.

comingintomyown · 07/03/2020 07:37

So he wants you to lose your lodger and have free storage by using another room for his stuff.
He wants to just pay what he actually costs rather than making any contribution beyond that, like the arrangement I have with my teenage son living at home.
I certainly wouldn’t agree to that and even if he now comes back to you accepting the £450 I think it will be with resentment, the fact that his proposal is entirely beneficial to him whereas yours is of balanced benefit to you both should concern you.
I’m afraid overall I would be keeping the lodger and him in his flat and actually it would be interesting to see his reaction to that

Noconceptofnormal · 07/03/2020 08:05

To be honest OP, I think the fact that he is asking this of you after only 5 months is a big drip feed.

You said earlier on you hadn't had many 'LTB' comments but I think you would have had more if you had put that fact in upfront.

I really do think you should cut your losses with this one, the demand itself was always unreasonable but after 5 months it's definitely in cocklodger territory.

Look at the facts -

  • He has the money to buy himself a flat but hasn't, why hasn't he? It doesn't sound like he's got enough drive to get his housing situation sorted so he's living in a nasty damp flat - doesn't that tell you something about his motivation levels.
  • He can't drive but "wants to learn". Sorry, it will never happen.
  • He earns less than you. Maybe not a deal breaker in itself for you but when you put it in to the context of the above it suggests he's not going to be a go-getter in his career.

.... Then put this CF request in to this context after 5 months, it doesn't look good. You say he's a romantic and wants to get married - well of course he does as he's then entitled to half your house, has got someone to drive him around, who earns more than him!

Really hope you drop this guy and find someone who's your equal.

comingintomyown · 07/03/2020 08:21

I don’t necessarily think equality is about being on the same financial footing and as it’s frequently the case that the man out earns the woman but she wouldn’t be considered unequal then that is hypocritical.
I agree about the driving though , it’s not that he is opposed or has health restrictions he just hasn’t got round to it , at 30 years old.
Also I missed the bit that you have only been together 5 months , I really really would not have him move in yet. As I said tell him you’ve changed your mind and think it’s too soon and watch his reaction and subsequent behaviour in the next few months that will tell you if you have a future together

catwithnohat · 07/03/2020 08:26

The fact that he's squabbling about paying his share would be ringing bells for me. Seems like a sign of mean-ness to me (a trait I deplore).

Is he generally a bit tight fisted?

ladymary86 · 07/03/2020 08:42

He says he doesn't want you profiting from him by he will be profiting by being significantly better off by paying you less!!!
He's a CF - YA DEFINITELY NB

Quicklittlenamechange · 07/03/2020 09:19

5 MONTHS !!! Shock

I cannot believe you are even considering this after 5 months together.
Jaysus he saw you coming !
Bet hes well chuffed with himself 🤑🤑🤑
No no no Nope dont do it OP

honeylulu · 07/03/2020 09:22

Yes he will be profiting from the arrangement, directly from the loss you will make. It will be as if you are paying for him to come and live with you = cocklodger.

The absolute clincher for me is that he wants the same rights as a lodger (a room solely for his exclusive use) but not pay for it. Do you realise he will actually have more use of your house than you? He gets a room just for him and shares the rest of the house. You don't even get your bedroom to yourself any more.

This doesn't bode well OP. I think you can do better. As a PP said, he seems like a millstone, and an entitled one at that.

honeylulu · 07/03/2020 09:26

Oh and his argument that you won't be worse off because of your pay rise is shit. If you kept the current arrangement you'd have all that pay rise and quite right, you earned it! Effectively, he is proposing that you don't benefit from your pay rise at all and just hand it over to him. Cheeky cheeky fucker!

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 07/03/2020 09:55

@AmIbeingtoomean In a normal relationship people do not discuss power or don't really feel unconfortable if their partner has a bit more money, if he is so insecure, he will be a horrible person to live with and you will constantly need to humiliate yourself to please him.

My sister moved in with a guy like this (or rather should I say, he moved in with her into her rental), he didn't pay anything, used water and electricity like if there was no tomorrow. When tables have turned and she needed to move in with him after her lease expired, he asked her 50% of the bills and rent straight away.

There will not be a balance in this relationship and either you end it sooner rather than later, or teach him not to be selfish and hope for the best.

Gamble66 · 07/03/2020 10:03

Hes the type that will move in, decide he needs to change career and you can support him

Twisique · 07/03/2020 10:13

He should buy his own flat.

Quicklittlenamechange · 07/03/2020 11:45

f you had said up front you have only been together 5 months you would have had different replies .
You had a previous cocklodger OP
Where are your boundaries?
Why are you even asking this question after 5 months?
This man isnt testing them, he is running headfirst into them at high speed !

Techway · 07/03/2020 11:55

@CuriousaboutSamphire, you echo my thoughts.

A new partner (5 months) bringing up power & control is a red flag. If he views the world this way then he will seek to address the dynamics which means he will seek to control. I missed this warning with EX and once we had DC and his earning exceeded mine he then had control.

Bananalanacake · 07/03/2020 12:03

5 months is too soon to be thinking of living together, I always prefer to give it 5 years before the moving in talk. Or have you been friends for over a decade and have recently got together, in which case you should know each other well enough.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/03/2020 12:38

5 months?! no chance he would be even moving IN 😱

user1494182820 · 07/03/2020 12:59

While I do see the point that a majority of people are making here, it doesn't feel right to me that you are making a profit from your partner. He will be contributing to the mortgage on a property, but would have no rights to it. Are you going to have a tenancy agreement, as you'll be charging him rent? I'm not really sure what the solution is, as I can see both sides, to a degree. Rent out your current house and get rental property together, where you are both equally invested in the property? Seems a bit convoluted though 🤷‍♂️

Alsohuman · 07/03/2020 13:18

He will be contributing to the mortgage on a property, but would have no rights to it

Just like the millions of people who pay rent to a landlord.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 07/03/2020 15:00

I was thinking the same as @Alsohuman. Most people are paying towards someone's mortgage, whether it's their own or someone else's.

He doesn't want to properly pay for his accommodation and is quite happy for you to lose income by no longer having a lodger.
It doesn't make financial sense, OP.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 18:08

While I do see the point that a majority of people are making here, it doesn't feel right to me that you are making a profit from your partner.

Are you missing the bit where he'll actually be better off and she'll be worse off because he wants her to get rid of her lodger?

Original poster
AmIbeingtoomean · 11/03/2020 18:54

Update:

He spoke to me on Sunday again about the money. Apologised for bringing it up and said he would pay what I asked. He clearly still thought it unfair though.

I have been going off him a bit since the first conversation but said nothing.

We were due to go on holiday today. He has not been abroad before due to a fear of flying. We got on the Eurostar and he had a panic attack before it left and we had to get off. He then couldn't make himself get back on so we went back home.

When we were home, I broke up with him. It was fairly calm and civilised although he was clearly upset. Feels I am a cold person and have been dishonest about my feelings for him. I was calm and explained we are different people and it wouldn't work long term.

Am now home and relieved tbh. He has been texting about how hurt he is. Not rising to the bait.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 11/03/2020 19:06

Good for you. You have greater tolerance than me. I’d have got back on the train and left him standing on the platform.

KTheGrey · 11/03/2020 19:17

My feelings would change really quickly if I realised my boyfriend was too psychologically fragile to leave the country for a holiday. It would become an unsustainable relationship.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/03/2020 19:20

You've done absolutely the right thing in getting rid of this weight round your neck, OP - but then I guess you know that

Onwards and upwards Smile

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