What is fair financially?

[AmIbeingtoomean]

NC as going to give lots of detail. Long sorry.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing moving in together but had a chat yesterday where he thinks I am asking too much. I have been in a cocklodger situation previously so worried I am being too harsh. Neither of us have children.

My situation:
I own a nice 3 bed house in a less nice area of an expensive (not London) city. My income is £2000 salary per month shortly rising to £2,600 following promotion. I have always had lodgers and my current one pays £400 a month all inclusive - slightly below market rent. My mortgage is £600 a month and all my household bills (including mortgage, excluding car and groceries) comes to £950 a month.

BF has a salary of £1,800 per month shortly rising to £1,900. He pays rent of £625 and his household bills total £850 each month. He has some money saved in a help to buy ISA and could right now buy a tiny flat in a similar area to me.

He doesn't want to move in while I have a lodger so will wait until current one (a mate with financial troubles) can afford to move out. If he wasn't moving in, I would get another lodger and charge £450 a month. We will live in my house alone and once we know living together works, buy something together (tenants in common to protect my much higher equity).

I want him to pay £400 a month contribution essentially to replace the lost lodger income. This will cover all bills and then we will split food etc ad hoc (me probably paying more as I earn more). He saves an extra £450 a month compared to now which he can put toward his help to buy.

He feels it is unfair to ask him to pay toward my mortgage and should only pay half of the monthly utility bills (about £175) plus spilt food bills and housework etc. When we buy together, then he would contribute toward the mortgage. He doesn't want to feel like I am profiting off him or treating him like a lodger. Especially as I don't 'need' the money with my payrise and earn more than him.

YANBU - He should pay £400
YABU - he should pay less

You've only been together since September! And he thinks he can live with you rent free and wants your lodger to leave so that he can do that?

THINK ABOUT IT!

Honestly, you're not even sleepwalking. You're going into this relationship with your eyes wide open.

You’ve been with him five months and he wants to move in with you and live rent free,

Can you not see the issue there...

Woah! 6 months in and he is asking for such a lot!!!

You do sound a tad passive in this. Hopefully you're just letting him show you who he is, and he comes back apologetic and sensible!

I suppose he is right in that I have 'power'. I don't need him or anyone. I put great value on my independence and would never choose to live a lifestyle I could not afford on my own for my own security. I would be happy if he decided to buy his own place, live in it and later rent it out. I don't feel in any big rush to live with a partner although am not opposed to it either.

It can't be very nice for him but it is what it is and I am who I am.

Consider me flabbergasted

Are you quite sure you want to do this? You seem to be quite focused and intelligent, so why the rush?

Quite apart from the financial issues. Which suggest you have yourself a cocklodger in the making.

I'd sleep on this........ for at least a year!

Hmm not sure about passive. I certainly don't make a fuss about things. Am very low drama and easygoing.

I am very stubborn about things though which perhaps takes people by surprise as I don't often need to take a stand on most things. I don't kick off ever but will just politely do/refuse to do what I want.

Funny as its an effective strategy in work. I work hard, problem solve effectively and deliver results. So when I take a stand people take me seriously as I don't do it often.

Whereas in personal situations, people get used to me doing everything with a smile and then sometimes get weirdly offended when I say no.

Stop it!!!

What you are describing is one person who is a bit further along their life path than another.

For him to describe that as a power imbalance is one thing (a weird, shitty, self absorbed thing). For you to internalise is is another.

You are feeling and because you are a few months ahead of him on the proper ladder.

Why?????????

I'm a bit like that too, OP. When you absolutely know you're right, what's the point in getting too upset? Or caving in? Calm and stubborn is a good combo!

He would like lodger to leave sooner but knows that is my decision.

I'll bet! So he can get his feet under your table gratis with spare room for his furniture costing you £600/month at the very least and cocklodge by making you feel bad about yourself for a 'power imbalance'. You'd have to be a total mug to even consider it. No drama is even necessary. Just 'The living together is off the table for the foreseeable. I'm not ready for a live-in relationship any time soon.'

You've been with him for 6 months and he wants to bamboozle you into his ripping the piss out of you in your own home.

Its been 5 months!!

Do you actually love this man?

5 months

Ah OP, are you serious.

Christ almighty I barely knew what my husband did for a living at 5 months...he is moving himself in for free...telling you who and what you are....moving your lodger out.....himself and his furniture in.

Its actually kinda funny how presumptuous he is...if it wasn't so serious for your life.

Boundaries are your friend OP.

Focus on, and strengthen yours.

Even if you wait till October you'll only have been together a year. He's a cheeky fucker cocklodger. He got to work quickly on you, didn't he?!

You've only been 'together' 5 months....and he's already DICTATING what WILL happen:
That he WILL be moving in
That you WILL get rid of your lodger
That he WILL NOT replace the income YOU LOSE from getting rid of the lodger
That he WILL NOT pay fair RENT....he needs it spelling out to him that his RENT is payable no matter where he lives and it is NOT 'paying the mortgage'.

His ASD makes no difference - he's a cocklodger getting ready to cocklodge with you.

Why are you rolling over so easy on this?
You do realise that you'll end up always paying more being the higher earner?
What happens if/when you decide to have children?
No mat leave for you cos it's not affordable on his wage?
Or you have to save for that on top of paying more for everything?

Wow, that’s a monumental drip feed op, together since sept.
I can’t believe you are actually considering moving in with him at this stage never mind him dictating the terms and conditions.

If I’d known it was only a 5 month relationship I wouldn’t have read the full thread and just went for a ltb

Whereas in personal situations, people get used to me doing everything with a smile and then sometimes get weirdly offended when I say no.

I'm not sure this is a work/home life split, much more likely to be the kind of people. It's often "potential cheeky fuckers" who push too hard then get "offended". Sigh.

Low drama but stick to your guns sounds perfect to me.

For his suggestion you need the MN classic - No, that won't work for me.

Five months OP. Jesus give yourself a break. Enjoy your own home. Who the hell does he think he is, calling the shots when you only know him half an hour.

5 months OP?!!

oh wow. take a step back. he wants to live rentfree (pretty much)!, and you have known him 5 months?!

try being together at least a year or two,then mabey consider it?!!

red flags everywhere!!!

5 months OP?!!

oh wow. take a step back. he wants to live rentfree (pretty much)!, and you have known him 5 months?!

try being together at least a year or two,then mabey consider it?!!

red flags everywhere!!!

5 months OP?!!

oh wow. take a step back. he wants to live rentfree (pretty much)!, and you have known him 5 months?!

try being together at least a year or two,then mabey consider it?!!

red flags everywhere!!!

5 months OP?!!

oh wow. take a step back. he wants to live rentfree (pretty much)!, and you have known him 5 months?!

try being together at least a year or two,then mabey consider it?!!

red flags everywhere!!!

5 months! And he thinks you should kick your lodger out, move him in free and let him put all his stuff in the spare room.
All you have to say op is we haven’t even been together a year, it’s too soon to talk about this. You don’t actively want him to move in. Don’t let him move in because he wants to.

Again, do you see him learning to drive or is this talk. What is he like around the house. Will you be cooking and cleaning around him. These are very important points in successfully cohabitating, but I guess 5 months really isn't enough time to know what habits may may be hiding behind best behaviour.

I would be happy if he decided to buy his own place

The fact that he hasn’t bought his own place so far is not your responsibility. You say he wants to use the help to buy scheme. He hasn’t done this so far whether it be through choice (ie not bothering to save) or lack of funds (nothing to save). Yet 5 months of being together and he is already using his not having his own property as a stick to beat you.

This is unacceptable and I hope he’s had a think about what you’ve said. My dh has ASD tendencies and is so rigid in his thinking so do steel yourself that he cannot get his head around a perfectly logical argument.

I missed that he can’t drive either. Or maybe forgot. Have a think about if he’s really a go getter. You sound pretty driven but I’m not sure about him. Don’t spend the best years of your life attached to a millstone.