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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
Wetcarparkrain · 05/03/2020 11:39

@Daftodil

If it is two-thirds of that it has still been a completely life-changing position for the OP, plus the reassurance of knowing the children are with someone who truly loves them.

MagnoliaJustice · 05/03/2020 11:40

I can see it from your sister's point of view. You had years of free childcare (okay, with the occasional shopping trip and spa weekend thrown in for your mum) and now she's faced with no family childcare for her own child. I would be resentful too, but it's your mum she should be annoyed with.

If I were you, I would see how much help I could offer her with her child going forward, and try and see how you would feel if the tables were turned and your sister had benefited from years of free childcare and the offer of help for you was suddenly withdrawn.

yabadabadontdoit · 05/03/2020 11:40

*gc were

  • your dm not email!
ShesGotBetteDavisEyes · 05/03/2020 11:41

Demanding money from you is crazy.
Being upset that you had years of free childcare from your dm and she isn’t getting any help is understandably annoying and hurtful.

I imagine she will continue to feel very resentful of this and it may be damaging to her relationship with you and your dm - however I agree it’s between her and your dm, not you.

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 11:42

Suspect the real problem is that the mother is manipulative, she over indulged the 'golden sibling' with childcare favours meaning that there is nothing left for the next sibling who understandably feels resentful.
I think the mother is deliberately stirring up rivalry between her children to create drama and give her a sense of power and control.

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 05/03/2020 11:44

Her anger and financial qualms should be directed at DM who has misled her into believing she would cover the childcare.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 11:45

she has never looked after mine tbh.

Why am I not surprised... it means you don't owe her anything. Of course, you can get your nephew the odd day, but you don't have to cancel all your annual leave to babysit either.

You shouldn't be caught in the middle, and definitively not made to feel guilty when you didn't do anything wrong. Your sister needs to find alternate solutions, not throw a tantrum

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 11:45

@LouHotel that did cross my mind but there are a few factors that might scupper that!!
1.my dh is from abroad so we visit his family twice a year during school breaks and generally last minute if the prices suit!,

  1. Her baby cries A Lot! She is currently seeing the gp about tongue tie/ colic. (And I know that can all change) My dh works from home so I would need to stay as quiet as possible when he is on calls etc.
  2. I don’t want to suggest or agree to something I might have to renege on as such.
  3. I didn’t have a third baby for a reason, I’m happy to be finished with the baby stage tbh. I know it sounds selfish! Sad
OP posts:
MrsBeeluga · 05/03/2020 11:45

No you shouldn't be paying your dsis's childcare of course not. But

Your dm has really done a number on your sister, I'm waiting for a new thread about golden sibling and having a baby sooner than planned, because of promised childcare.

Your dm actively promised childcare before she would be too old, your sis saw this point and went ahead and had a difficult baby... therefore she is left to fend for herself.

Even though your dm is free to do as she pleases, she is really not coming out looking good.

Brunelofbrio · 05/03/2020 11:45

I can understand where your sister is coming from. Its hard to see a sibling get a huge amount of parental support and not receive the same yourself. Both my DSIS and SILs had a great deal of parental support but by the time my DCs came along both my DPs and DPIL have decided they are too old to help.

In my case this is fair enough. We knew how old they would all be when we planned our DCs and made our own arrangements. But I can see the issue if the offered and expected help is suddently withdrawn. Your DSIS was planning to delay her family but your DM changed that with her offer, now withdrawn, I’m afraid I have a lot of sympathy for your Dsis in this one OP.

Yes your mum has a right to change her mind, and paying half of childcare isn’t reasonable. But tread carefully and see if you and your mum can think about how you can support your DSIS. Its not a laughing matter for her!

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 11:49

For me the question is why is your sister directing her anger at you OP?
Why does she not recognise that person who has acted unfairly is your mother?

UYScuti · 05/03/2020 11:51

I suppose the answer is that we tend to be easily triggered when it comes to unfairness between siblings, we become angry quickly and that stops us from looking rationally at what's really going on?

Shinyletsbebadguys · 05/03/2020 11:53

Nope your sister is batshit and I say that as the second child who didn't get support with childcare and that's fair enough.

It's just the way the cookie crumbles and your dm has every right to not do it. I'm amazed at some entitled response. My dsis is 6 years older and had children younger in her earlyb20's so dm and df were younger healthier and had the space to help her. Which they did to a huge amount (and still do when the DC are 15 and 21 but that's a whole other ball game)

In reality I had my dc at 30 odd and are now 7 and 4 and my DP have never had them. Ever . I have a very different relationship with them , as it happens I now live too far away anyway but even so. Its not selfish for my 70 odd year old parents to be done with child rearing and I dont remotely resent them for it (I mean to be fair I resent them for a whole host of other issues but genuinely not for that).

It's insane to have children expecting family to step up, great if they are able , and DP mother would do it in a heartbeat if we were nearer but there is 0 expectation.

I chose to have DC noone else, therefore it is noone elses responsibility. If you are silly and naive enough to have DC depending on that sort of agreement you are not mature enough to have DC.

Ignore your dsis or alternatively tell her she is batshit , you owe her nothing.

Fluffybutter · 05/03/2020 11:54

@Shrekhasabogie she didn’t have the baby because of “free child care” but it helped with the decision and why shouldn’t it ? Child care plays a massive part in choosing to have children

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 11:54

I’m happy to be finished with the baby stage tbh. I know it sounds selfish!

good lord, how can you think you are selfish?

Your sister's baby is not your responsibility! You owe her just as much babysitting as she gave you...

EmmiJay · 05/03/2020 11:54

One of my sisters recieved a massive cheque from my DM... I didn't stamp my feet and demand a cheque too. My other sister lived rent free with my mum for a year and a half... I didn't demand my DM pay my rent for me. Your sister needs to understand your DM needs her time now and neither her or you should have to do anything. She needs to grow up and sort out her own childcare.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/03/2020 11:54

I can understand why the sister is upset and not thinking straight.

You might not know but over the years has there been other circumstances where you have benefited from something that she was passed over for.

I think the grievance shouldn’t be directed at you but at your mother who after looking after your children and encouraging your sister to get pregnant with the promise of free childcare has decided to go to work in a shop instead without a thought of what her daughter is going to do now.

Maybe your sister knew she wasn’t going to get free childcare like you did so was waiting to be able to afford a baby.

If your mother convinced her that she was going to do the same for her then I think the blame lies squarely with your mother.

How have your mothers financial circumstances changed in 9 months?

independentfriend · 05/03/2020 11:56

When is your sister intending to go back to work? If the baby's only three months old, there's probably another 6-9 months before the issue arises and the demanding very small baby might be easier to manage when a bit bigger. So what's the likelihood of your mum changing her mind and doing some childcare?

If you could collect your niece on your way home that might be useful even if just from the perspective of your sister not worrying about being late for nursery/childminder closing time, rather than routinely saving them money.

How else could you/would you be willing to help your sister?

Could your mum help your sister in a different way, if she's not doing lots of childcare? Money? Cleaning? Gardening?

Brunelofbrio · 05/03/2020 11:58

To put it another way. how would the OP feel if her sister had received 50k from her DM and she had nothing?

Would that be fair?

( nursery fees x2 full time for 3 years...)

Everytimeiseeher · 05/03/2020 12:00

Why doesn’t she just pay your mum what she would earn in the shop? It will be cheaper than childcare and for your own needs it could help having your mum around during school holidays so you could contribute a small amount weekly
to cover yourself for kids being off ill,MacBook hols etc. I know tour dh works from home but it’s a bit much to expect him to be working and looking after children for two weeks at Easter and 6/7 weeks in the summer.

lunar1 · 05/03/2020 12:00

Your sister hasn't been given much notice that her agreed arrangements have flaked on her. She's probably in a blind panic and over tired with a newborn. Maybe don't make a joke of her situation on a parenting forum she may have joined recently.

7 years free childcare is a hell of a lot of money.

Member984815 · 05/03/2020 12:00

Childcare is expensive and I wish more. People considered that . I have family who just expected everyone else to mind their kids while they worked for nothing .

DropYourSword · 05/03/2020 12:01

Everyone is focusing on the “fairness” of the OP having had lots of free childcare, but I don’t even think that’s an issue. The sister wasn’t being entitled - she was delaying starting her family until she felt she was able to afford childcare and her mum actively offered to do the childcare and encouraged her to have a child earlier, and then reneged on her offer! I can’t understand how anyone would expect the sister not to take this badly! (Although it’s STILL crazy of sister to expect OP to contribute to childcare costs!)

Hollowgast · 05/03/2020 12:02

Sympathy also with your sister op. We had no help at all for our three, despite literally begging for it. My DSis had her DD and my parents are round there all the time, change their facebook photos to a pic of their DGD and on one memorable occasion babysitting all afternoon because DS wanted to make a nice meal for BIL.

It's irretrievably dmaaged our relationship.

SoloMummy · 05/03/2020 12:03

This is the problem with family provided free childcare.

Op has in effect benefitted from savings amounting to a minimum of £50 x 195 minimum working days a year. Per child. That's a saving of £9750 per one child a year! So a significant savings. Especially given she was in a compatively well paid role.

Wheras the sister will in effect be that much worse off.

So when you look at it in black and white you can see when it will cost the sister circa £250 a week to go back to work each week, she feels she has been disadvantaged and whether right or wrongly, her family has been dealt a financial blow and treated differently. By a lot.

However, the mother is entitled to a life. But also imo needs to calm the waters given she said she would provide the care too!

Though the op doesn't owe the sister per se, I think that she may wish to look at how well she has done out of it too and maybe try to find greater support for her sister....