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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/03/2020 10:57

OMG, that's funny!
As if you should somehow take responsibility for her having children - what a dick she is!

No, no and no. Too fecking bad. Circumstances change - your ma could have fallen sick, or moved - that wouldn't have been anyone's fault either but would she still try to charge you then? (Actually she might, she does sound that crazy).

Just keep laughing at her and saying No.

LukeSkywalkingOnTheseHaters · 05/03/2020 10:57

She's deluded. Has she had historic behaviour of this kind of thing?

I suspect when you insist no it's going to cause quite a friction on your relationship

dottiedodah · 05/03/2020 10:57

This is well out of order! Your DM has changed her mind and thats that! She was a good few years younger when she had yours ,and probably doesnt feel she can handle a young baby /wants to work with her friend! Honestly some people are so self entitled! Your DM told her she would look after her DC ,as she wasnt looking after yours any more anyway ,not you ! DM has been retired a few years and probably could do with some extra income now .Thats fine. DS is a massive CF and has no right to expect any payment from you at all! Dont have DC if you cant afford childcare !

RB68 · 05/03/2020 10:57

I would be asking her why if your DM is no longer minding your kids she feels the need to work - because you were in effect paying her indirectly by paying for things that eased her finances, perhaps if she offered to finance the childcare with your DM more formally then it wouldn't be an issue even if that is she pays for her shopping and hair appts, then her DM could offer her the same thing

stophuggingme · 05/03/2020 10:57

The only money I would send her way would be contributions towards a psychiatric assessment.

AJPTaylor · 05/03/2020 10:58

I feel for your sister tbh.
You have benefitted from 7 years of free child care, she only had a baby now because of your mum's offer.
I think she is grasping at straws but be kind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/03/2020 10:58

Also - keep an eye on your DN - I know it's wrong to judge at this stage, but her whole reasoning for having this baby seems very "off" and I'd worry about her maternal feelings!

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:58

@fedup21 when I said that wouldn’t be possible she said, that it was bullshit and why should she be taking all the “hits” when I got all the help I got!! I then said to her that dm is not as fit as she was last year and that she was lucky that we don’t technically have to start minding dm yet as such! Which I will do when it’s necessary!!

My df died 7 years ago so I think my mum has just being keeping herself busy with the dg’s and has decidedly wanted More adult contact, she got sick last year (some chest infections) and hasn’t really been 100% Since but she’s enjoying life and has joined a book club and goes to yoga classes 2 mornings a week. She doesn’t want to stop those.

OP posts:
Smileyaxolotl1 · 05/03/2020 10:59

Obviously it is insane to expect you to pay her but I can also see why she is upset and you seem to be oblivious to the fact your DM has massively screwed her over.
She has totally favoured you and doesn’t seem to care that she is being completely unfair to her younger daughter.
Treating children so differently is a recipe for disaster as is offering help and then withdrawing it. If I was your sister I would be very annoyed with your mother and also resentful of you (though it’s not your fault)

SD1978 · 05/03/2020 11:00

I can undersatnd her initial disappointment- she was going to wait to have kids- but your mum said she would provide the childcare she provided your kids. Your mum is now decided this no longer suits and doesn't want to. If your sister is going to be miffed at anyone, I'd be miffed at your mum rescinding the offer.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 05/03/2020 11:02

Asking you to pay half is crazy, but dont underestimate how hurt she will be that your mum has retracted her offer of help. My parents look after my DS one day a week but my brothers kids twice a week for the last few years. It's frustrating that my DB has used my parents goodwill up and we won't benefit as much as he has, but thems the breaks I guess!

IntermittentParps · 05/03/2020 11:02

you seem to be oblivious to the fact your DM has massively screwed her over.
What rubbish. DM's circumstances have changed and she is changing her life, which is absolutely up to her.

KarmaStar · 05/03/2020 11:02

She's a selfish person who should be thinking of her mum's health before her own financial issues.
Tell her to grow up and take responsibility for her child.
If this is typical of her nature then maybe Karma had a hand in this.
Don't give her a penny op.

Porcupineinwaiting · 05/03/2020 11:02

Obviously you dont have to pay but your mum has behaved like a complete shit. Free childcare for 1 daughter, encouraging the other to bring her plans forward with the promise of assistance knowing that she was reluctant due to costs then dumping her because she changed her mind.

Nothing to laugh about here.

Waveysnail · 05/03/2020 11:04

I'd be totally pissed off with my mum if she did that. Sis had decided to wait and only tried to have a baby earlier because of your mum saying she would have baby.

However your sis is a bit deluded to say about you paying. Be gentle with her as she sounds tired. I was totally unreasonable my first year of each child due to sleep deprivation

TheAugusta · 05/03/2020 11:04

Honestly I can understand her annoyance. It’s not fair that she’s dragging you into it but your mum has pulled the rug out from under her, especially as she had said she would wait to have children and only did so when your mum said she’d do the childcare. I’d feel extremely hurt and worried if I was her, and resentful that you’d had all the help she was being denied. It’s not right to treat your children this differently. If there were health issues or a real financial problem and your mum was really apologetic it would be one thing, but it doesn’t sound that way from your OP.

Beautiful3 · 05/03/2020 11:04

I understand how she feels. It feels unfair. But her grievance lies with your mother, not you! Perhaps her baby is very hard work so your mums decided to become too busy, to avoid babysitting. Just say no, your child care is not my responsibility.

PerfectParrot · 05/03/2020 11:05

Your sister sounds batshit. It there more to it though - ie does your mum have a track record of favouring you? Either way it isn't your problem to just tell her to jog on.

Daftodil · 05/03/2020 11:05

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

That is hilarious! "I had children based exclusively on the fact that my sister had childcare help so she should pay half my childcare fees"? Hahaha!

Does she think Disney should pay the other half for how nannies are depicted in Mary Poppins?!

Has she spoken to your mum about things? Does she have in laws who could help?

I think her first action should be to explore flexible working policies at her (& her husband's) current employer and see what their options are from there.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 05/03/2020 11:05

intermittentparps so she shouldn’t have promised the daughter childcare should she?

Wetcarparkrain · 05/03/2020 11:05

Eurgh, I really support your mum to have a nice time with her yoga classes, club and part time job etc. But this is SUCH a common pattern and exactly what happened to me!

First set dgc arrives. GM is like 'AMAZING! I have been waiting for this moment for YEARS! Let me do tons of childcare, almost full time, take them overnight, be a third parent, bla bla.'

Years pass, second set from younger sibling arrive. GM: 'Oh, I am so tired of all that and can't really go through it again, plus I'm so used to the first set and they're older now and I've joined the U3A so...'

Older sibling, who in my family has benefited to the tune of about £30k of free childcare 'well I'm not being entitled or smug as fuck or anything but you know poor mum IS tired now, but sure I'm totally grand and sorted so it's nothing to do with ME. Good luck with finding external childcare that costs you a fortune and makes you feel guilty because it's not as good as leaving dc with a family member!'

The joy of being a second sibling. And they wonder why the first child statistically does better in life.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 05/03/2020 11:06

I can understand her being pissed off with DM to a certain extent but surely free childcare is a luxury and not a given?

My in-laws have DD two days a week but we made sure we could afford full time childcare if we needed it - anything could happen. You make sure you can afford children before you have them!

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 11:06

I just want to add my dm has always been very fair with us and has generally always met our needs, this is first time there has been a difference in what she has done for us. DM has always done what suited her as such,it just so happened that I benefited from that for 7 years!!

Yes dsis has ALWAYS been the dramatic one, she’s now 30 (middle child??!!) I’m 35 and we have a younger brother who is 27.

OP posts:
UYScuti · 05/03/2020 11:07

I understand why she feels upset but this is just her bad luck, she wants you to compensate her for her bad luck,
if she wants to run with this crazy argument then you could come up with the list of ways in which she has been luckier than you and demand that she compensate you for the fact that you received less than her in 'XYZ' circumstances.
She's just entitled and not very bright... isn't she?

SophieSong · 05/03/2020 11:08

Yea she's definitely being unreasonable for thinking that way. But, you also sound like you couldn't give a shit about her, the massive issue she now has with childcare or the fact that you benefitted from years and years of childcare off your mum and she isn't going to have similar. Actually you sound like you find it all funny - and a little happy you can slag your sister off.

Basically you and your sister are coming off badly here.