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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
Wetcarparkrain · 05/03/2020 11:24

Well if the oldest child routinely gets such insane and blatant preference, she probably has to be to get her views heard and vent how hurt she is.

I am not a middle child, btw.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 11:25

I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!

Grin HAHAHA
when you thought CF couldn't exceed their batshitness!

By being so ridiculous, she is losing any sympathy anyone could have. You can't help wondering if that attitude of hers is the main reason your poor mum was scared and is jumping at the chance to earn some money and avoid the craziness and entitlement.

Wetcarparkrain · 05/03/2020 11:25

Someone has mentioned £1,000 pm - that's per child. So if that was full time, that's £24k a year. By seven years - £168,000 worth of childcare.

cstaff · 05/03/2020 11:26

Your sister has to realise that GPs age and as they get more elderly they are less able to run around after toddlers. My parents didn't do childminding but there is no question that my older brothers kids who are all in their twenties saw a lot more of my parents when they were younger as my parents were only in their fifties and well able to run around and keep up and fool around with them.

Now that they are in the seventies that is just not possible so my other brother doesn't get the same. This is not their fault - it is just life.

You mentioned that your mum was sick last year. She probably does need to give herself a break. Maybe she didn't realise this when she promised your sis that she would look after her kids. Your sister is well out of order especially when it comes to demanding you pay half.

Clangus00 · 05/03/2020 11:28

That’s actually hilarious!

LouHotel · 05/03/2020 11:29

Her baby is a newborn! You have no way of saying she's more needy than yours because you are 5 years removed from that time of your life. I have a 12 month old and have already forgotten how hard it was and have baby goggles on about those first month's.

Childcare is so expensive that actually I'm not completely on the cheeky fucker trains as I expect she's now petrified and emotional on how she's going to manage it especially if your DM persuaded her to start now.

Childcare is her responsibility but she has every right to be fuming at your mum and every post you make has an 'i'm alright jack's attitude'.

Lllot5 · 05/03/2020 11:30

I do have sympathy with your sister here tbh. It must be difficult having an offer of childcare withdrawn.
However she can’t realistically expect you to pay.

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 11:30

Wait, wait wait... I just reread your OP. So your mother did ALL your childcare? For nigh on SEVEN YEARS?? And is doing nothing for your sister? And you think your sister is taking the piss?

@Wetcarparkrain In a sense yes... she had DD1 from age 1 until I was on mat leave with DD2 and then I went back to work when DD2 was 1 and then she had them both for a year until dd1 started school and then collected her and brought them to mine until I got home. Then she had dd2 for a long time until she started school. I teach so It was always only term time!

OP posts:
BlueSpotty · 05/03/2020 11:31

I think your mum is being very unfair and I can totally see where your sister is coming from on this. I think you are out of order slagging off your sister on a forum when you clearly are the golden child and you aren't even trying to see things from your sisters point of view.

PrayingandHoping · 05/03/2020 11:32

You sis baby is 3 months old. I doubt she's expecting your mum to look after it until he's older and she goes back I work. There's no knowing how "needy" he'll be in 6 months ish time.

JustInCaseCakeHappens · 05/03/2020 11:32

of course the sister is taking the piss, why should the OP PAY for a child the sister chose to have?

next the OP will be expected to babysit every single school break.

How much babysitting did your sister offer for your children OP? 1 day a week, 1 evening a week? How much help did she give you?

OhCaptain · 05/03/2020 11:32

It’s a bit odd that your mother has become that much more tired in a year, tbh.

From your sister’s POV it’s a bit off. Not your problem and really, you can’t rely on free childcare (even though you did. For 7 years.) but still, it’s a kick in the teeth.

I suspect your Dsis has a different view to you always being treated equally.

But none of that is your problem.

1234512345Meh · 05/03/2020 11:32

Did she have them everyday for you Whatevernext2?

SEE123 · 05/03/2020 11:33

This is brilliant OP, thanks for sharing. What a CF!

DM has "screwed her over" "behaved like a complete shit"
Are you guys for real?

DM has the right to change her mind or alter their arrangement if it no longer works for her.
No one forced her DSis to have a child, and realistically she didn't decide to do so on the basis of occasionally "free" childcare.

Wouldn't pay a penny towards any of it OP! Hope your DM feels better soon.

KahlanRahl · 05/03/2020 11:33

I think your mum should help out your sister by paying some of the childcare costs. She is not trwating you equally.

But it's also not your problem, you just took what was on offer at the time and shouldn't be punished for that.

LouHotel · 05/03/2020 11:33

How about you offer to have your DN in holidays so that DS only has to do a term nursery contract?

Pay it forward so to speak.

KahlanRahl · 05/03/2020 11:33

*treating

Daftodil · 05/03/2020 11:33

@Wetcarparkrain

Someone has mentioned £1,000 pm - that's per child. So if that was full time, that's £24k a year. By seven years - £168,000 worth of childcare.

It won't be that much - presumably the children have been in school during some of that time.

Booboostwo · 05/03/2020 11:34

Of course your DSis is BU. It's bad luck she had her child after yours and it's bad luck that your DM can no longer provide childcare, but none of it is your fault.

You say your DNiece is a demanding baby, is your DSis loosing the plot a bit because of this?

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 11:34

@justincasecakehappens she has never looked after mine tbh.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 05/03/2020 11:35

I feel sorry for your sister and if your mum has decided after 7 years that she is going to work as she needs the money she must have been eating into savings in order to look after your dc

1234512345Meh · 05/03/2020 11:37

I ask as term time only nursery (7:30-6 max) is £780 (After the 20% tax free stuff) for me for one child. When I go back to work that will double to £1560. It will reduce some when eldest is 3. Would you have returned to work paying that? Or at least resented the cost?

If your sister is not working in a school, it’ll cost her more.

If my mum promised me childcare, I wouldn’t think she’d retract it. Especially after encouraging me to have a child AND helping you all these years. Yes, health changes but going from all offered to nothing is MAJOR.

Obviously you shouldn’t pay her fees but you don’t appear to have any empathy for her situation.

Smileyaxolotl1 · 05/03/2020 11:37

SEE123
If you don’t think the mum has screwed the OPs sister over you must be very dense.
She promised to look after her child and encouraged her to make decisions based on that help. Then she changed her mind, not because she was too ill to help but because she fancied getting a job.
That’s ignoring the massive disparity in the way she has treated her children, happily giving one daughter thousands of pounds of childcare and her other daughter sod all.

yabadabadontdoit · 05/03/2020 11:38

Wow your dm screwed her over didn’t she! You can’t say you’ll do all the childcare then turn round and say oh I’ve changed my mind because a 3 month old is harder work than the other go were! Yes you shouldn’t expect childcare from family BUT this gm encouraged her to conceive years earlier than she would have done by promising this. I would be incredibly upset if I was dsis. It’s not about the money, it’s about how rejected I would feel as a daughter.
Her asking you to pay half is mad, it’s your email who has caused this, not you, but please have some empathy for her instead of laughing at her

SnoozyLou · 05/03/2020 11:38

No, to ask you to pay half towards her childcare fees is clearly wrong.

But from your sisters point of view, I wouldn't be happy either. I doubt she knows the extent of what you paid on bits and bobs for your mum, and even so, your mum has just dropped her right in the shit. I'm sure it is fine by you but you aren't really looking at it from your sister's point of view.