To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

If her and her partner had a child on the say so of free childcare they are the most irresponsible parents I've heard of.
Just tell her to jog on, it was their decision not yours.

No you shouldn't be expected to pay 50% of the childcare costs but you absolutely should be speaking to your DM on your sisters behalf and letting her know that actually, she has behaved quite appallingly here. Yes, its her life and no-one can force her to do anything. But at the same time, she cannot pull the rug out from one of her children and expect it to just be OK. Its not OK. Your sister is clearly incredibly hurt and worried and your mother needs to know. This could have a catastrophic affect on the relationship you all have with your sister, not to mention put her into serious realms of PND etc.

Its a big problem and as someone who benefited from 7 years and +£100k worth of free childcare, I think the least you can do is speak to your mum and let her know how her decisions have affected others. It may do absolutely nothing to change this situation but your sister will at least know you empathise with her and that you have let it be known how shitty a thing it was for your mum to do. Scoffing at this situation is a horrible way to behave.

My dsis always directs anger at me! 🤷‍♀️ Even when our df passed away and Dsis was asked to do a reading or say a few words (but said she wouldn’t be able) I said I would do it, she got all pissed off because people kept telling me how wonderful the words I chose were and brave I was for speaking at the church! She still brings it up! 🙄 I CANNOT Win with her!!

@Member984815 the sister did think of that the 'd' m convinced her to have children now rather than waiting a couple of years and saving.

I laughed as I thought she was joking

This is the only response.
It's your mum's decision if she wants to offer childcare nothing to do with you.

No you shouldn't be expected to pay 50% of the childcare costs but you absolutely should be speaking to your DM on your sisters behalf and letting her know that actually, she has behaved quite appallingly here.

I am not being the messenger and getting shot at from all angles...no way!!sorry!

Smiley - her DM has the right to change her mind for any reason be that wanting to get a job, or her own health, or that the sky is blue.

My own Dsis has had ridiculous amounts of help from our DM with her 2DCs for the last 5 years. I haven't demanded a financial contribution from her because I now can't have the same level of support with my 10m DS. I'm the eldest btw. There's always going to be disparity in the level of help available as parents age and their lifestyle changes. There's a difference between refusing to help altogether and declining to have a standing arrangement for when the Dsis returns to work.

As the OP states too - it's not that she can't afford any childcare, it's that she doesn't want to change her lifestyle. Their DM is entitled to a life of her own and any help she provides should be looked on with gratitude, not an automatic right.

And where do you draw the line?
You convinced me to have a child - pay towards my higher electricity costs, more expensive holidays, higher food bill etc etc

I'm not dense at all. I just see it differently to you.

I think your mother knew exactly what she was doing when she dangled this carrot in front of your sister and then snatched it away ...she knew that your sister would be upset and angry and take it out on you

@NewDOOFUSfor20

Yes your dsis is clearly not thinking straight, and what she is demanding is clearly very unreasonable, but I kind of get why she is a bit pissed.

I honestly will never understand why parents do this to their children, grown or otherwise, give absolutely EVERYTHING they can to one child but absolutely nothing to another.

I get that situations change but it's still a kick in the fanny when you see your sibling living what is perceived as a charmed life through the help and support of parents, when you are left to struggle.

Would your sister have had the baby if she thought for a second that all help offered would be retracted?

It's very easy for you to mock her ill feeling, you've benefited massively from your mother's childcare so couldn't possibly understand the struggles.

But she can still fuck off with the "paying half of my childcare" shit, that really is nuts.

All of this is what I think. (Saves me typing it all out - thank you!)

I also think it's a bit shitty when the parents do something big, and bend over backwards for one sibling and not the other(s,) and of COURSE the sibling who doesn't have the favours is going to feel pissed off and angry and upset.

I have even known a few instances where the parents give one sibling a deposit for a house, (like £40K) and give fuckall to the other(s.) Very poor form IMO.

However, to ask you @Whatevernext2 to cough up for half her childcare fees is ludicrous to the extreme! You have to say no of course, and tell her that her beef is/should be with mother, not you.

Although, your mother's circumstances have changed and she isn't doing any of this on purpose. So I do get it from your mother's point of view. But as 'newdoofus' said, your sister's anger is understandable.

I don't envy any of you in this situation, and I don't have any advice, I'm sorry. It's really tricky.

@dropyoursword I agree that's an issue too. Everyone seems to be so casually dismissive of the sister... if she states her needs (that the OP had had COMPLETELY met for her) she's an entitled drama queen.

She's a first time mum with a difficult baby, which has sent DGM running for the hills and the OP thinks that since she herself is done with babies and doesn't like to make commitments (despite having her own babies' care met by a HUGE commitment from a family member) she won't support her, so whoops, poor old lil sis, better cope on your own.

I don't even think that you should pay at all, or that your DM should have to do the care. I just wish that you could demonstrate any admittance that you have in effect been hugely privileged and favouritised to the tune of at least tens of thousands of pounds over several years. Your sister, who should be your equal, is going to have a much tougher, expensive and what sounds like lonelier time, but none of you seem to give a shit? You literally just want to tell her to piss off?

Like a previous poster said, if your DM said 'I've realised how costly this will be for your siblings, so I'm giving them each £100k each to level things up', would you be 100% A-OK with that?

Also, she probably knows it's because her baby is quite challenging and also feels absolutely gutted and rejected and is lashing out.

"she had DD1 from age 1 until I was on mat leave with DD2 and then I went back to work when DD2 was 1 and then she had them both for a year until dd1 started school and then collected her and brought them to mine until I got home. Then she had dd2 for a long time until she started school."

I mean, thats an astonishingly platinum-grade childminding service you got from her for 7 years, and then she tells your sister "oh, I'm too tired to help you at all with yours even though I promised I would. Suck it up, I guess? I have yoga to do."

It doesn't mean it's your fault you got help and she didn't, but a disparity that massive and you don't sound like you think she should have even sympathy from you, that the huge sense of favouritism this seems to be and that she must be feeling is even justified at all? Sounds like the "forgotten middle child" situation written in massive sky-writing.

To be clear op apart from some of your messages coming across as making light of the situation I don't think you owe your sister anything.

I do think the burden of looking after your DM in her old age will be massively your responsibility in light of this and that I hope you have a plan for that.

@whatevernext2 I don't think you'll be in the right no matter what you do. Some people will always be resentful of what one sibling got vs their own stack. I suspect those trying to shame you for the help you received were also second in line.

I feel sorry for her a bit tbh. Obviously asking you to contribute towards childcare is totally irrational and unreasonable. I just feel sorry for her because your Mum did promise the same childcare she offered you and has now backed out of the agreement last minute. I can understand your sister’s anger.

I also feel really sorry for her. Your mother encouraged her to have children when she was going to do the sensible thing by waiting. Had she turned down your mother's offer originally, and said no, i'm still going to wait, i wonder how that would have gone down? I bet your mother would have told everyone how ungrateful she was! I think there could well be a golden child- scapegoat dynamic here (which would be difficult for you to spot; i was also the golden child for most of my life, and could barely believe it when i finally worked out how differently i had been treated).

I think that once things settle with her baby and she calms down a bit, she'll realise that she was unreasonable about the money expectation, apologise and then slowly start to distance herself. And everyone in the family will wonder why.

Her feelings aren't rational but I understand. You've been saying wonderful things about your DM caring for your DC all this time, she said she would provide childcare, that was a factor in them deciding to have a baby - and now because the baby is demanding your DM has backed off and your DS is suddenly in a situation she hadn't planned for. She probably feels like her baby is being rejected, and so she's lashing out.

I think many GPs may make promises without always thinking things through TBH. When DS said she was thinking about a family ,most GMs would be excited ,and she probably meant what she said at that time .However she has been ill in the last year, and chest Infections are very debilitating .Her friend has opened a little shop ,and DM gets a chance to interact socially with her chum and get paid for it! .Suddenly she has a change of heart, and decides she likes her new life !Add in a couple of mornings at yoga and going back to looking after a young baby doesnt seem so appealing any more !Honestly I dont think she has done any "sort of number" on your DSIS! Peoples circumstances change and she is in a different position now! There must be loads of DMs saying this sort of thing up and down the UK ,but people will only get pregnant when they want to! Everyone should have a plan B! Does your DS work long hours 9 /6 and 4 weeks hols ? Very different position to a Teacher working Term Time in a School ! In any case DS should be cross with DM not you!

Did she not think that since your mum s getting older that this might happen

@LouHotel

I do think the burden of looking after your DM in her old age will be massively your responsibility in light of this and that I hope you have a plan for that.

Yeah this. ^ Seeing as the mother seems to have made it clear which daughter she prefers, the OP absolutely WILL be looking after the mother in her old age.

Because the sister now has every right to tell her mother to fuck off (if the mother needs help/care when she is elderly and infirm.)

So I hope you're OK with this @Whatevernext2

@Wetcarparkrain I am totally aware of the help that I received!! And I am extremely grateful for it! I am now in a position where I am repaying in other ways! When my dm was Ill I made her dinner every day and dropped it up! I spent my Saturdays cleaning her house and setting it up for her for the week, I changed her bed covers, did her laundry, I washed her face, neck and feet and brushed her hair (admittedly that was the one thing she said I was dreadful at as I made it too “fluffy”) when she was at her weakest! I didn’t expect the childcare for nothing and I care for my mum in many ways because of that!! And because I want to also!!

If I was your sister I would be pissed off.

Your mother offered something that affected her decision making. Yes she should have had a plan b but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Equally, she planned her plan A on what her mum had already done for you.

If I was her I'd find your lack of sympathy especially annoying.

And I dont think you should cough up half her childcare but you need to acknowledge that you financially benefitted from the previous situation.

I can’t get past the fact you keep saying how hard her baby is, how much it cries etc as if this makes it ok to not offer support. Are you helping her with this baby, giving her a break, or even holding them whilst she has a bath etc? Because it sounds more like you and dm are both withdrawing yourselves because her baby is hard work and think this is a good reason not to support her. I hope she is getting emotional and practical support from someone, because her family doesn’t appear to give a shit how hard it is for her.

Surely childcare is the responsibility of the parents and the parents alone. OP getting help is absolutely nothing to do with it.

What was the sisters plan if (god forbid) the mother suddenly dropped down dead?

She's probably sleep deprived and somewhat fucked off. I would be too, being honest. You've had the life of riley, free childcare etc etc.

But she's wrong to ask this of you.

I do wonder if there's more at play here - are you usually the favourite child by your mum?

@LouHotel I am totally fine with that, I have already been that person tbh!