To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

[Whatevernext2]

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

@Nekoness That you don’t get this just shows the little bubble you live in.

Not at all, we have lived through incredibly financially stressful circumstances inc several redundancies, and me having to give up work to care for our SN child. But we have never ever expected anyone to take form of responsibility for our decision to have a family. That's just a cop out, IMO.

But you carry on with your assumptions.

@springydaff

@stophuggingme

We is loved up 😍

@springydaff

I’m too old for that nonsense
How about a cup of tea instead

Wow my family are nuts at times but literally just keep laughing at her! I have never heard anything like it in my life!!

NOBODY should be having children based on the 'promise of free childcare by family member'.....that family member could end up seriously ill, incapacitated or drop dead at any point.

This is the most ridiculously precious and entitled thing i have ever heard.

OP - your mum has every right to withdraw her offer, especially as this baby is/sounds like much harder work than usual.
Your sister needs to hear a few home truths - SHE & BIL CHOSE to be parents - now they need to step up to the responsibility.
She doesn't want her own lifestyle to change? Then she never should have had a child cos the parents lifestyle HAS to change once a baby arrives.

If your sister and her husband still feel hard done by - put the baby up for adoption cos it sure doesn't deserve parents as selfish and self-absorbed as them.

monkey what a complete pile of rubbish you spout.
The self absorbed one is the mother who promised child care and withdrew and doesn’t give a shit about the effect it may have on her younger daughter.

According to some on this thread you should never believe anything your parents tell you or make any plans in case they are lying....

@monkeymonkey2010 I agree with you.

@monkeymonkey2010 spot on

What this thread has really reinforced to me is the importance of treating your children equally if at all possible.
My husband feels he is discriminated against by his parents and he is right but it is fairly mild and in reality they are pretty good at being evenhanded.
I have two kids and am already thinking I will just offer one days childcare if I can to the first to have children so I don’t overcommit and mean I have to treat the second child differently!

@LakieLady Mum has severe osteoarthritis as well as two severe autoimmune conditions - developed not long after menopause. She did receive a lot of support in terms of how to maintain and increase physical activity and was encouraged by all her consultants to take more physical care of the grandchildren as it will, overall, help in terms of bone health. She doesn’t want to do it for my DS but she does care for my siblings children and is now able to lug around a couple of 90th centile toddlers when before she couldn’t even hold them on her lap. Maybe discuss exercises with your consultant - even if you don’t ultimately want to help out with the GC you could ask for gym based exercises

@ElsieMc you sound a lovely mum and grandma. Taking on your two GSs was an amazing thing to do although I’m sure it was ridiculously hard to be thrust into parenting two young boys when your own kids were older.

Needing and wanting some peace in your retirement is absolutely right. Your youngest DD sounds lovely- I’m sure if you sat and explained to her properly that you are older now and have had so many years of childcare that you feel a bit broken by it.

There are many other ways to be a very involved and loving grandma. My mum has never provided childcare but she pops round and we do the same and she spends time with all her grandkids but is free to travel and have days out without being tied to school pick ups. Just as it should be

Don’t regret not standing up for your own right to finally have some free time- your lovely youngest DD will understand.

I do not understand why DS is being described as entitled. She didn't ask her mother to do the childcare and was planning to wait until she could afford to pay BUT DM offered childcare. Now DM has withdrawn the offer and DS has been hung out to dry. I think DM's behaviour is appalling and OP' s lack of understanding and empathy is unfathomable. If my mother had treated my sister like this, especially after I had received years of free childcare, I would be mortified and would have strong words with my mother on DS' behalf. Asking for monetary help from the Op is probably a knee jerk reaction to the difficult situation in which DS now finds herself . It is all very well to say that DS shouldn't have relied on the childcare offered but it was her DM fgs and if you can't rely on your own mother who, I reiterate, freely offered , then who can you depend upon! Not so darling mother has put her own daughter in an awful position and then Op comes on here slagging DS off. Badly done.

@ElsieMc

Decades of childcare is exhausting.
I can absolutely imagine you feel done.

Unfortunately if your daughter can't afford childcare she will need to rethink.

However lovely she is she cannot just expect that you will do it.

I sometimes wonder am.i missing something when I read these threads.

Minding children is exhausting.

The working g day is long with commute at either end.
It could be 8-6pm.
Shattering for a young parent but bloody endless for a grandparent.

@Elsie stand your ground...you have done as much as you can.

I agree with newdoofus. It’s so unfair when parents do for one child what they won’t do for another.

I can understand your sisters resentment but it has nothing to do with you. Her Complaint is with your mum - and unless you paid out the equivalent of childcare charges elsewhere you very much did benefit-which your sister won’t.

Perhaps if you sympathise with her and tell her you understand where she’s coming from she might appreciate it. While I don’t for one minute think it’s up to you to contribute you surely understand why she’s not happy.

I feel for your sister.
Your DM has helped you out considerably and promised to do the same for your DS.
Now DM has changed her mind, I'm not surprised DS is upset.

I can see that the idea of you paying half of DS childcare isn't going to happen - it's a dog-eat-dog world - but yes, I feel sorry for your sister being treated unfairly.
I haven't read the whole thread, but I think it's shit you don't recognise this unfairness.

@Elsiemc you have done more then your fair share. You have gone over and above to look after and raise your grandchildren.
Your youngest has no right to our that pressure on you.
When DH and I had our first we never once assumed family would help, we planned knowing we would have nursery costs and worked our work hours around it, we have no spare money but we wanted kids.
GP's do help occasionally if something comes up but again no expectations. We planned our 2nd (currently cooking) for when our first DD got her free hours at nursery.
They do have other options, they need to accept they are going to have to pay for childcare as many of us do.

Why do we pay so much for childcare?

BECAUSE IT IS EXHAUSTING, LONG HOURS AND NO BREAKS.

If you don't want to pay for it you have to do it yourself.

I feel really sorry for your sister, she shouldn't have asked you to pay for half her childcare fees but I can see why she lashed out. She's been terribly let down while you've had a plum deal and have the cheek to think she's being unreasonable and a drama queen

Elsie I think your situation is different. You didn't choose to have 2 GC full time - circumstances forced that on you and it was not a deliberate decision to favour one DD over the other. Perhaps for your youngest DD you could offer to babysit sometimes so they can go out for dinner or if childcare let's them down (CM is ill for example). I'd try to do some of the more typical grandparent type help rather than full on childcare. I know you've had enough but you will want the same bond with your second set of GC that you had with your first and it's not youngest dd's fault that her sister is flaky. As hard as it is, you don't want her to feel penalised for her sister's life choices. But it's totally reasonable to not be able to do exactly the same for both since people do get older and more tired.

It's swings and roundabouts when you get into the advantages and disadvantages of sibling birth order. You get what your parents can manage depending on their stage on life.

Wrt the OP, I still think there's a big difference between getting ill and genuinely not being able to keep a promise and just backing out because you CBA! OPs sister wasn't bring an entitled brat and demanding the same as her sister had. She was quite willing to wait and do it all herself. The key thing here is that the mother promised and she and the OP talked the sister into going ahead and now the mother has pulled the rug out from her completely. For no other reason than she just doesn't fancy it. Imo if you promise something you ought to do it unless you have a bloody good reason not to. A reason beyond wanting to go to yoga and tinker about with her friends. I'd find that impossible to forgive.