Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my DSIS she is taking the piss!?

521 replies

Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 10:33

Nc’d for this
I have 2 dc who are now 5.5 and 7.5. When I had my dc my dm had retired and offered to mind them when I went to work. Dm wouldn’t accept payment as such so I used to do things such as fill up her car, pay her grocery bill whenever I was with her, take her clothes shopping, take her away on spa weekends etc etc. So anyway this continued up until last year when my youngest started school and at the same time dh got a new job whereby he works from home so he can drop the dc and collect them (school is 2mins around the corner) and they are quiet happy staying quiet in the next room colouring etc until I get home at 4.30.

Now the MAIN issue...my dsis got married 2 years ago and said she would wait until she was ready to have children as she couldn’t afford it. My Dm then said well “I’m not minding dg’s any more so I will have yours now if you want. So dsis decided that would work and started trying, baby was born 3 months ago ( baby is a very demanding baby)...Now my dm has decided that she would like to work a part time job (her friend had opened a shop) and that she needs money and that on reflection she will be too tired to do childcare. Fine... she’s entitled to change her mind. Dsis is fuming and has now...WAIT for it!!...decided that as I benefited from years of free childcare that I should help pay half towards HER childcare costs when she goes back to work!! She announced it last night when she popped round, I laughed as I thought she was joking...turns out she wasn’t and insisted it was partly my fault because I told her dm was great and saved me loads of money by minding my two!!and that by saying this I had convinced her to go ahead and get pregnant in the first place.

If you have stayed with me this long...thank you!! And also just to note it’s not that they would suffer money wise, my dsis just loves her current lifestyle and doesn’t want to lose it!

OP posts:
FlyMayBe · 05/03/2020 11:08

I can understand why your DSis is feeling aggrieved, but it's not up to you to pay for her childcare!!!

Smileyaxolotl1 · 05/03/2020 11:09

OP - aren’t you angry with your mother for putting you in this position?
It is incredibly unfair to your younger sister and bound to cause resentment.

SpiltMilk100 · 05/03/2020 11:11

Is she normally so entitled?? I don't see how it's your fault that your DM retracted her offer of childcare. Your sister is being very very unreasonable. I can understand being a bit miffed at your DM but seriously!?

I massively benefited from my DM looking after DC1 for 18 months whilst I worked, until we had to put him in nursery at 2 (due to various factors). Since then, DMs health has deteriorated and she'd be physically unable to care for any subsequent GC alone. I am pregnant with DC2 and am fully expecting to pay for childcare when I go back to work. My Dsis doesn't have DC yet, but if she said this to me I wouldn't be able to stop myself from laughing in her face and would tell her not a chance would that be happening.

Butterymuffin · 05/03/2020 11:11

Was your sister proposing to pay anything to your mum, or to do what you did and get shopping, take her out etc? Does she know that's what you did?

she only had a baby now because of your mum's offer.

This is a daft way to think about a family. Have a baby when you can afford it, not when you can afford it only because someone else is working for free.

bellabelly · 05/03/2020 11:13

I think your mum is being very selfish to withdraw the offer of childcare at this late stage! If I were you, I'd stay out of it but I can understand your sister feeling VERY pissed off.

MzHz · 05/03/2020 11:13

How the FUCK have you managed to post his thread? Can you type AND laugh at the same time?

@Whatevernext2 you are a true legend, a genius, a wonder of the world...

I have not laughed as much as when our batshit neighbour told us they were disappointed that we had allowed the removal trucks all the way onto our drive and not insisted they park at the end of the (shared access) drive (50+ metres) and bring everything up on sack trolleys and hand carts...

You have only one option, to tell her categorically that she is insane and to ask around so that everyone she knows can tell her she's batshit so hopefully it will sink in...

Baby is a very demanding baby. hmm... wonder where baby got THAT from?

sheesh

nettie434 · 05/03/2020 11:13

I think your mum’s position has changed and she is perfectly within her rights to change her mind. She is not favouring one child over another - her health has worsened and she is now widowed in comparison with when your elder child was born which makes it more important for her to have a social life outside the home. I suspect that if you added up all the shopping, trips etc it probably amounted to quite a lot. It might explain why your mum is keen on a few hours paid work in her friend’s shop.

HavelockVetinari · 05/03/2020 11:14

Your mum has been really unfair, but it's not your job to compensate your sister for your mum's decision to back out of her promise.

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 11:14

Oh I am very annoyed at my dm but what can I say!! I can’t very well tell her that she has fucked it all up for dsis can I! Dm May offer to have Dg one day a week but I have no say over that!

I’m thinking of offering to collect dn from a childminder on my way home from work if that helps my dsis as she would need care until 6 based on her job. But I have no idea how childminders work?? Do they go on a day rate or an hourly rate??

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 11:14

bahahahahahahaha......nothing more to add

Fluffybutter · 05/03/2020 11:14

I kind of get why your sis would be annoyed after your mother said she would look after your sisters baby as that was a deciding factor in her trying for a baby at this time , also to call her 3 month old baby “demanding” is a bit shitty of you , all babies are ‘demanding’
Sounds like you’re not fussed as you got your free child care BUT she is being unfair to ask you to pay .

cheeseismydownfall · 05/03/2020 11:15

You've had seven years of (largely) free childcare, and are now blaming your sister for being dramatic when it looks like she won't get any, even (especially) after being promised help?! Her suggestion for financial recompense isn't realistic, but if I was your sister, I would be hugely resentful both of you and your mum.

PrayingandHoping · 05/03/2020 11:15

It is your mum who your sister should be angry with. It IS unfair for her to look after yours, then tell your sister who was hesitant to have children because of the cost to go ahead and have one and she would look after it and then back track after the event. I can understand why your sister is upset, but it's not you she should be venting on.... it's your mum.

Shrekhasabogie · 05/03/2020 11:15

If people are having babies based on the childcare they are promised from their families, then those people are too stupid to be having children.

PixieDustt · 05/03/2020 11:16

Agree with fluffy

Wetcarparkrain · 05/03/2020 11:18

Wait, wait wait... I just reread your OP. So your mother did ALL your childcare? For nigh on SEVEN YEARS?? And is doing nothing for your sister? And you think your sister is taking the piss?

She is probably making the comment about money to hide the hurt she likely feels about how much preference you got, how much more interested in your children your mother seems than in hers, that she is struggling with a demanding baby and no one seems to care but just want to call her a drama queen and tell her to piss off) and that you have had the equivalent of a personal nanny (i bet GM still took them when they were a bit poorly) so we could actually be talking about the equivalent of a six figure sum's worth of care. And this bothers you not one bit?

No flipping wonder she's a drama queen. Poor thing.

Original poster
Whatevernext2 · 05/03/2020 11:19

@Fluffybutter the baby is more demanding than my two ever were, I’m just saying it as it is tbh. I don’t mean it in a horrible way!! I love my dn!! Even my dsis admits it!! It was relevant to the story as I think that is PARTLY why my dm has retracted her offer but I’m just speculating.

OP posts:
Toria70 · 05/03/2020 11:19

Hmm she's got a demanding new baby, and has had her childcare that she was relying on ripped from under her. She feels that she's not getting the time and help that you had from your mum.

I can see why she's lashing out. I'm not saying it's right, it isn't, but I would cut her some slack.

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/03/2020 11:19

So your sister only had a baby just because she thought there was someone who’d look after it for her? That is unbelievable.

Wetcarparkrain · 05/03/2020 11:20

OMG as demonstrated by the fact you don't even know how paid childcare works!

alliwantisagoodnightssleep · 05/03/2020 11:20

Hahahahaha. Yeah your Sister is crazy!

TheABC · 05/03/2020 11:21

I can understand the sister's upset. Childcare is not cheap and the OP has literally thousands of pounds of it for "free" (I know she paid for petrol, etc. but I doubt it was a £1,000pm as a nursery place would be).

Having said that...would Dsis want her lively toddler to be looked after by a tired and increasingly frail grandmother? Fewer activities, games or social interaction than at a nursery setting and fewer adults around to spot a potential accident.

It sucks, but she might be better off using formal childcare or waiting until the free hours kick in.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/03/2020 11:22

she’s now 30 (middle child??!!)

That's a bit insulting to all us middle children posting on here pfft

Fifthtimelucky · 05/03/2020 11:23

Agree with others. The sister is unreasonable to expect the OP to share the costs, but I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to feel let down.

She had a sensible plan to delay having children for a couple of years but her mother offered to look after them and based on that offer, and her sister's positive experience, she changed her mind. She wouldn't have made the decision to have them when she did without the offer.

If the mother had become ill and was unable to look after the child that would be just one of those things and there could be no blame attached, but that's not the case here and I do think that the mother here has behaved badly.

MintyMabel · 05/03/2020 11:23

Older sibling, who in my family has benefited to the tune of about £30k of free childcare 'well I'm not being entitled or smug as fuck or anything but you know poor mum IS tired now, but sure I'm totally grand and sorted so it's nothing to do with ME

Same here. She doesn’t realise how lucky she was either.

I would be very angry if my mum did that to me. As it was she made it clear she wouldn’t be and once again as the last born I missed out on what the other two got because “things have changed”