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AIBU?

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Original poster

A dh and finances one

133 replies

sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 13:50

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable as I'm really not sure if I am.

Myself and dh have always had separate finances. He has a big job and I have always earned significantly less than him. All fine, we always shared bills proportionate to what we earned.

8 years ago I had dd, and after my maternity had run out decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. DH said he was going to put a certain amount in my bank account every month so that I could still cover bills. This arrangement worked fine, and I have always covered all the costs such as cloths, clubs etc for our dd.

Once dd started nursery I got a part time job that fitted around her nursery / school times and have been in this job ever since. DH continued to pay money into my account every month (this has been the same amount since the beginning and 2/3 of it goes directly into savings now which dh knows about) I still cover all costs for dd as well.

Recently my health has not been good and I've had to reduce my hours at work so have been earning significantly less. Since there has been a couple of instances that have made me go 😮😮. Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

If you've got this far, thank you so much 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 13:54

Sorry I forgot to add, it's just like he'll happily see me go into debt rather than help me out.

He has always been very mean with money, but spends a lot on himself because he drinks and smokes a lot.

I also get no say in any big purchase

OP posts:
AngelsSins · 04/03/2020 13:56

Why on earth have you put up with this for so long?!

Curiosity101 · 04/03/2020 13:57

I think this whole set-up sounds crazy so I'd struggle to advise based on your current set-up. I think You are both being unreasonable to think this is a good way to manage your money as a married couple with a child.

Have you ever considered shared finances? The most common way (from what I've seen), is that all earnings go into a joint account, then from that joint account you pay all joint costs (bills, childcare etc), a bit goes into a joint savings account, and then each of you pay yourselves an equal 'allowance' for any individual spends / savings you want. This is the only truly fair way I can see for anyone to have their finances in a married couple.

Perhaps if you'd had prior relationships and had a lot of savings / assets from prior to getting together then you might keep those separate. But everything you earn is surely shared from the point at which you're an official couple / living together / married?

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 13:58

Dh won't do shared finances, I think he's scared I'll spend his money

OP posts:
Unhomme · 04/03/2020 14:01

Your husband is a twat.

Why so so many people on MN seem to operate separate finances in a marriage. What's mine is yours and yours is mine...

Tobebythesea · 04/03/2020 14:03

You’re married? That’s no partnership! It’s not equal! Why aren’t you sharing your money in one pot? Why do you pay for all things child related? It’s crackers.

Was he definitely not joking about the glasses etc? Seeing you go without, shows a lot about what he thinks of you. I would get out.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2020 14:03

decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare

This is where it went wrong, how did you end up in a situation where the child care costs were solely yours and he’d not pay anything?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/03/2020 14:06

I wouldn't be putting up with having no say in big purchases. I would be reassessing the amount he gives you. You say he has always given you money to cover all your bills and this didn't reduce even when you started back to work so you have been able to save. Surely if your wages are reducing this means you will be saving less rather than going into debt?
He shouldn't be smoking and drinking at the expense of other more important things

Curiosity101 · 04/03/2020 14:06

Dh won't do shared finances, I think he's scared I'll spend his money

Financially speaking it sounds like you'd be better of single because CMS would required him to pay more than it sounds like he's paying - and that makes me really sad.

I'm not suggesting you should leave him, but I know that I wouldn't be able to be with someone with this attitude.

Especially someone who apparently loves me but...
'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up'
he'll happily see me go into debt rather than help me out

Imagine a different scenario where a friend (or even an acquaintance) had gotten into difficulty and was about to have to give up work for 6 months and so was going to struggle financially.

Now imagine that someone said to that friend 'well you're going to need overtime as your going to be off work soon and hard up'.

Do you not hear just how cruel a remark that is (regardless of anything else)?

Batqueen · 04/03/2020 14:11

Well it depends.

You put that ‘you decided not to return to work’. Did you decide or was that a joint decision? As in general either you decide things together or independently. If the two of you agreed that you would give up work as that was the best decision jointly but now he has cut you out if decisions then he’s an arse, but if you decided unilaterally that you weren’t going back and he had no say that’s a bit different.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2020 14:11

Financially speaking it sounds like you'd be better of single because CMS would required him to pay more than it sounds like he's paying - and that makes me really sad

I think you missed the fact he pays bills, rent or mortgage and everything else.

Rojelio · 04/03/2020 14:11

You're not unreasonable but depends if you can get him to see it and if he won't be fair what will you do next.... it's a shame that some people think the way your husband does and he sees himself as very separate money wise which is so odd to me when you are married and therefore should be equal/sharing.
I hope you sort it and get him to see this is not on but if not please make sure to drum into your children to discuss finances with their partners before they have kids etc and make sure they are practical and don't get taken advantage of like your husband is taking advantage of you.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/03/2020 14:11

Surely its a technicality as to which partner is paying if the DH is paying it into the OPs account and she is then paying it out? Thats no different to paying it into a joint account and then it going out. The mai difference surely is the amount of personal spending money.

Grumpos · 04/03/2020 14:13

Next trim he mentions money I’d be tempted to remind him that if you divorced him you’d get 50% of everything.

Seriously though, Is he just funny about money or is he mean spirited in other ways? Does he realise that this makes you feel uneasy and insecure with him when he makes these sorts of digs?
It does sound like he’s a bit resentful of your current situation, you need to talk it through because you can’t live with resentment. It’ll just grow and the sarky remarks and stinginess will increase

Isabellaswann · 04/03/2020 14:13

If 2/3s of what is ‘given’ go into savings it must be a generous amount surely, and enough to pay for glasses?

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:14

Even if he ever did ever agree to joint finances which I very much doubt, he would then interrogate me over every penny spent.

That's the main reason I've never pushed for joint finances, at least at the moment if I want to buy clothes for dd or myself I can

OP posts:
Curiosity101 · 04/03/2020 14:15

I think you missed the fact he pays bills, rent or mortgage and everything else.

I didn't. But I am making a couple of assumptions. Ie. that if they weren't together she would have all her own finances and therefore have government support if required to top things up. Also that she would be fully in control of how much is being paid for things.

Right now in this situation it seems like once she stops working she wont be able to cover 'her portion' of the bills anymore and he wont be topping that up. So at that point she would be better off single.

0hT00dles · 04/03/2020 14:16

I never understand this.

My dh and I have had a shared bank account since we got married. We had one before as well, but moved countries in between etc.

I'm a sahm and I sometimes feel bad for spending money. But that's me. He's forever telling me to stop that feeling.

I don't earn, but if I had to ask for money, I think I'd be out of there.

Is he not going to pay for dd's clubs etc?

Out of curiosity- you say you'd stayed home because you would've taken home next to nothing after childcare. Was he not contributing?

He does realise you're married, doesn't he? And it's no longer his money, it's family money.

pallisers · 04/03/2020 14:16

Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

I could not imagine saying this to my spouse. Does he even love you? Or does he love his money more.

Windyatthebeach · 04/03/2020 14:17

Invoice him for his laundry /ironing doing.
Charge him for meals.
And certainly don't sleep with him. Scrooge isn't attactive...

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/03/2020 14:18

@Curiosity

The OP says he pays enough into her account to cover her share of the bills, and she gets her wages as well. She saves 2/3 of this.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:20

Yes I often feel and have done for a long time that nothing is more important to him than money.

It was a joint decision for me to give up work and become a sahm

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 14:22

Why is everything to do with DD your responsibility?

pumpkinpie01 · 04/03/2020 14:22

He sounds really mean, so he can spend loads on fags and drink but you have to save up for glasses that doesn't sound much of a partnership to me.

raspberryk · 04/03/2020 14:23

He is a dick, my dp and I have seperate finances but have similar incomes. He needed some dental work recently that he couldn't afford so I paid for it, because he is my partner. End of. I didn't berate him for his health condition or tell him o hoped he had saved up because I'm not financially abusive.
Why are you paying for all your dd's needs?

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