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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A dh and finances one

133 replies

sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 13:50

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable as I'm really not sure if I am.

Myself and dh have always had separate finances. He has a big job and I have always earned significantly less than him. All fine, we always shared bills proportionate to what we earned.

8 years ago I had dd, and after my maternity had run out decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. DH said he was going to put a certain amount in my bank account every month so that I could still cover bills. This arrangement worked fine, and I have always covered all the costs such as cloths, clubs etc for our dd.

Once dd started nursery I got a part time job that fitted around her nursery / school times and have been in this job ever since. DH continued to pay money into my account every month (this has been the same amount since the beginning and 2/3 of it goes directly into savings now which dh knows about) I still cover all costs for dd as well.

Recently my health has not been good and I've had to reduce my hours at work so have been earning significantly less. Since there has been a couple of instances that have made me go 😮😮. Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

If you've got this far, thank you so much 😊

OP posts:
nettie434 · 04/03/2020 15:02

He's assuming I'll support dd from ssp!!

That’s about £100 pw Confused yet he earns enough not to have a mortgage and has ££££ in savings. There was another poster whose partner expected her to use her statutory maternity pay to pay all the household expenses. I’d like to see them trying to live off those amounts.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 15:07

His one redeeming quality is he's a brilliant father and our dd adores him. That's what's kept me where I am for so long

OP posts:
wibdib · 04/03/2020 15:08

He sounds financially abisive - google for a questionnaire to see if partner is financially abusive or for signs that partner is financially abusive and I’d bet that he will be.

You then need to decide what to - tell him? Work through some budgeting tools to get new jointly agreed budget? Talk to the local dc unit at the police? Get more advice on mnet?

Good luck - take a deep breath and hope you end up in a better place!

RandomLondoner · 04/03/2020 15:08

Why should she get £25 glasses if there is much more than that in family savings, as that is what the DH savings should be seen and treated as

I think my point is that glasses could cost less than a filling up a car, or a fraction of a weekly grocery shop, they're an item of routine expenditure that should be easily affordable as part of normal day-to-day spending. They're not something that need to be paid for from savings.

ChateauMargaux · 04/03/2020 15:09

He's assuming I'll support dd from ssp!!...

SHE IS HIS CHILD TOO!! Why should you pay for everything she needs when you have sacrificed your career for him???

myshinysink · 04/03/2020 15:10

His one redeeming quality is he's a brilliant father

He's not. He will gladly see his daughter go without to avoid paying you any extra money. He is also setting a bad example for his daughter

tashac89 · 04/03/2020 15:11

A brilliant father would be supporting his kid, not expecting you to do it all on SSP Confused

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 15:11

Because dd would go without otherwise. I had a really shitty childhood and refuse to let her have one too

OP posts:
hpvacuum101 · 04/03/2020 15:11

How is he a brilliant father? Can you list what he does for your DD.

user1423578854468 · 04/03/2020 15:13

How is he a brilliant father when he doesn't pay any costs related to his child and is financially (and generally) abusing his child's mother?

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 15:13

I know this sounds awful but he takes her to the pub every Saturday with him!! dd seems to really enjoy it though. Oh and he sometimes does homework with her

OP posts:
user1423578854468 · 04/03/2020 15:14

Ah. I did wonder.

BlackCatSleeping · 04/03/2020 15:15

He’s not really a brilliant father at all is he? He’s certainly not a good husband. Feel bad for you. Flowers

pallisers · 04/03/2020 15:16

Funny how they are always "brilliant fathers".

MyOwnSummer · 04/03/2020 15:16

A brilliant father doesn't refuse to financially support his child - sorry OP, but he is a twat. Playing with her, paying attention to her isn't enough on its own. We set the bar too bloody low.

The pair of you are setting an example that will be her pattern for relationships in the future, is this the life you'd choose for her?

user1423578854468 · 04/03/2020 15:16

He's a shit dad. I'm sorry your childhood was terrible but you're setting the bar way too low (probably because by comparison almost anything seems better than what you experienced, so it is understandable).

Modelling financial abuse/coercive control as normal to your daughter isn't a good thing.

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/03/2020 15:18

How is he a brilliant father when he treats his daughter’s mother so badly and his only involvement is to take her to the pub !?

hpvacuum101 · 04/03/2020 15:18

Is that it? Why is your standard so low?.

hpvacuum101 · 04/03/2020 15:19

I am sorry you are in this position. I hope you find a way out of this.
Also, you need to have your name put down in the property you live in.

Alicenwonderland · 04/03/2020 15:21

He's financially abusive I'm afraid. My ex was and it's horrible. It's a way to control and belittle you and make you feel bad about spending anything. I'm imagining he's abusive in other areas too. The fact he's good with your child isn't enough I'm afraid.

BombayTricycleClub · 04/03/2020 15:23

You can't stay with someone just because you think he's a brilliant father. What's that got to do with you? He's not your dad. If he's not a brilliant partner then you have no reason to stay with him. He can continue to be a 'brilliant father' living apart from you and by having to legally financially provide for his daughter.

Have you worked out on the CMS site how better off financially you'd be living apart from him?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/03/2020 15:25

His one redeeming quality is he's a brilliant father and our dd adores him. That's what's kept me where I am for so long

Nope. He's not a 'brilliant' father. A wise man once said "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother.

He doesn't respect you and he certainly doesn't love you.

Iflyaway · 04/03/2020 15:26

He also makes jokes about paying me in front of family and friends

This is really nasty. I would call him out on it every time if this was happening to me. Must be so embarrassing for your friends and family. What is their reaction?

The more you write the worse he sounds. It feels like being transported back into the 1950's.... (I was born In that decade but would never put up with what you have to).

8 years ago I had dd
You are role-modelling her future take on relationships...

PP mentioned the Freedom Programme. Yes!

ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 15:29

What do they do in the pub? Why don't you go too? And some homework, is that it?

Did he used to do bedtime, read with your DD? Do you do family stuff at the weekend?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/03/2020 15:31

The 2 things he does with her, he could do just as easily if you were separated, and I really wouldn't define a brilliant dad as ine who takes his dd to the pub every weekend.

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