A dh and finances one

[sassypants72]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable as I'm really not sure if I am.

Myself and dh have always had separate finances. He has a big job and I have always earned significantly less than him. All fine, we always shared bills proportionate to what we earned.

8 years ago I had dd, and after my maternity had run out decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. DH said he was going to put a certain amount in my bank account every month so that I could still cover bills. This arrangement worked fine, and I have always covered all the costs such as cloths, clubs etc for our dd.

Once dd started nursery I got a part time job that fitted around her nursery / school times and have been in this job ever since. DH continued to pay money into my account every month (this has been the same amount since the beginning and 2/3 of it goes directly into savings now which dh knows about) I still cover all costs for dd as well.

Recently my health has not been good and I've had to reduce my hours at work so have been earning significantly less. Since there has been a couple of instances that have made me go 😮😮. Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

If you've got this far, thank you so much 😊

I have no idea about any savings dh has and have no access to any paperwork, plus I think most of his savings are in online accounts. He definitely keeps any paperwork hidden anyway, so if we did divorce he could well screw me over big time !!!

I'm kinda stuck for the time being as have major surgery happening soon, with a minimum of 6 months recovery.

The other thing is he has threatened to kick me out before

Can he do this ?? The house is in him name only even though we're married

No he can't. Well, physically he could.

You are married with children. You have facilitated him earning well.

See a solicitor. A good one. You would hopefully get half plus maintenance.

I think being mean is one of the worst traits IMO .It impacts on everything .How on earth does he expect you to pay for your glasses FFS! Also expecting you to take on overtime when you are having a big operation WTAF! I would say to him that you will need a joint account from now on .If he refuses ,tell him how much he would lose in a divorce 50% is a rough guess !

decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. That's the biggest mistake you made. Why would childcare only come out of your wages and not be split like any other bill?! Why would you have agreed to be financially independent on someone who won't share finances?

And why isn't he responsible for buying anything for the child? What's both of your two's thought processes with that? Why would either of you want to set that lind of example for your child?!

Why is childcare your expense. He doesn’t have to share finances, to pay for that.

I don’t think being married means you automatically have to put everything in one pot. Me and DH have a joint account we pay mortgage/bills etc into and then have our own fun money.

We don’t have children (and aren’t planning on having any) and so I do agree that if kids come along you should merge things. But not just because you’re married.

He checks your savings account? And ridicules you to your daughter? And the house is in his name only? What an abusive arsehole. Why on earth do you stay with him? You haven’t got a marriage.

If you are married & in England then in a divorce, property is joint whoever bought it/has their name on it (there are some exceptions, but generally). Have a look on the Land Registry website (use private browsing!) I think you can register an interest in the house.

I'm kinda stuck for the time being as have major surgery happening soon, with a minimum of 6 months recovery.* But surely it wouldn't make a difference if you live with him or not as you've said he didn't even let you recover from a CS. In fact staying will be worse because you'll also have him to cook and clean for.

It amazes me that in 2020 mothers are never good enough whether they work full time/part time/stay at home/do all the household tasks/have 100% responsibility for their children. We're never good enough. Yet men can abuse the other parent of their child, take said child to the pub every fortnight as their only contribution to their upbringing and be labelled a "brilliant father".

I'm kinda stuck for the time being as have major surgery happening soon, with a minimum of 6 months recovery.

I would still use this time to get in touch with womens aid, a solicitor and try to seek out any financial paperwork, you are not stuck he doesn't do anything for you or look after you in any way, the house is half yours never think of it in any other way, make sure to delete your internet history or search "incognito" on any shared devices too.

Do you have any family (siblings or parents) that you could get help and support from. x

It amazes me that in 2020 mothers are never good enough whether they work full time/part time/stay at home/do all the household tasks/have 100% responsibility for their children. We're never good enough. Yet men can abuse the other parent of their child, take said child to the pub every fortnight as their only contribution to their upbringing and be labelled a "brilliant father".

So true. Really it is. Whatever women do, we're doing it wrong. Dad spends half an hour with his kids each week, what a great guy.

My gosh too many threads in here today of people being treated like shit - OP think how you would advise your DD or a friend if she was in a relationship like this. Not acceptable...he is allowed fags and booze but you have to pay for a new pair of specs?? Come on now, this is awful - please give yourself some respect and don't put up with this crap x

Unfortunately I'm quite low contact with my parents due to an abusive upbringing.

I was emotionally and sexually abused by BOTH parents. That is probably why my standards are so low.

I'm a strong, educated woman, I need to get my ducks in a row

It sounds like he won’t be much use when you have your surgery - and though I’m sure he has his good points you’re setting a really and example to your little girl if you stay with him as she grows up - how would you feel if she ended up in a similar relationship?
As he sounds so controlling I would speak with women’s aid / consider the freedom programme but also put some money aside to spend on a lawyer if you can - so you can seek proper advice without him suspecting.

I said it the other day on here women would be doing themselves a massive favour if they just stopped having children altogether.

@sassypants72,

I'm a strong, educated woman, I need to get my ducks in a row

You do.

FWIW, DH and I don't share a bank account but that's only because I had a shocking credit rating when we got together. I didn't want it to have an impact on him so we kept things separate.

I am the higher earner (by around 5k) but we set up a system whereby we contribute to bills based on a percentage of our wages, and leave ourselves with a similar amount of spending money.

We support each other - that's what a marriage is. Being equal partners.

I thought when you married and had kids with the man you love you become a team? I'd be reconsideration our relationship if hes not willing to help you when you are in your time off need.

Op your husband saw you coming because of your upbringing.

The fact that you are low contact with abusive parents, surely you should be no contact.

Please do the freedom programme. Google shark cage. Yours needs building as I don't think you have one.

Lots of advice online, maybe start with women's aid, going no contact, fog/fear obligation guilt and much more.

Also before your operation go and see a solicitor to see what you may be entitled to.

Keep your money in cash as he may cut you off completely. Sort documents and put them somewhere safe. Hunt around when he is out and photocopy whatever documents you find.

You may have to get a forensic accountant as part of the divorce, if you feel the money is a lot and well hidden.

decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare

He's paying at least half of childcare/nursery costs, I'm assuming? He's putting away money for your pension, or at least paying your NI?

You are being financially abused, frankly.

“His one redeeming quality is he's a brilliant father and our dd adores him” -how is he a brilliant father if he doesn’t provide for his daughter? a trip to pub on Saturdays and sometimes homework if far from brilliant.
Girl, get out quick 👍

I think I definitely would need a forensics accountant, I'd never even thought of that. Sounds horribly expensive though. He's akin to a squirrel and doesn't believe in having his money in one pot, but lots and lots of pots!!

I have no idea about any of them

Why are you with him? He sounds hideous.

But, assuming you are happy with your set up of him “paying you”, he has already paid for your glasses and you have saved up for them.

But you shouldn’t be happy with excepting a life where you are less than your partner

I have also made noises about leaving him in the past and he's done the whole devastated victim thing, acting as if the world is falling down around him.

He has also usually then gone out and purchased a very expensive piece of jewellery for me or booked a very expensive family holiday.

Somehow I've been guilted into not leaving each time