A dh and finances one

[sassypants72]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable as I'm really not sure if I am.

Myself and dh have always had separate finances. He has a big job and I have always earned significantly less than him. All fine, we always shared bills proportionate to what we earned.

8 years ago I had dd, and after my maternity had run out decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. DH said he was going to put a certain amount in my bank account every month so that I could still cover bills. This arrangement worked fine, and I have always covered all the costs such as cloths, clubs etc for our dd.

Once dd started nursery I got a part time job that fitted around her nursery / school times and have been in this job ever since. DH continued to pay money into my account every month (this has been the same amount since the beginning and 2/3 of it goes directly into savings now which dh knows about) I still cover all costs for dd as well.

Recently my health has not been good and I've had to reduce my hours at work so have been earning significantly less. Since there has been a couple of instances that have made me go 😮😮. Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

If you've got this far, thank you so much 😊

Thanks for the replies you lovely lot !!

I work every other Saturday and on my weekends off never do anything as a family (I imagine he wants to spend it in the pub).

Whenever we have done anything as a family (very rare occasion) he will dress it up as being for dd, but really not. Such as looking round a stately home he wants to see. (That was last summer) which really dd has no interest in, and then getting angry when she's bored.

That doesn't sound brilliant at all.

I have to say that I don't understand why couples/families have separate finances.
When DH and discussed having children we also talked about who would look after them, how to finance it, etc.
When we decided that I would be a SAHM we also decided that he would, therefore, be the main breadwinner.
Any earnings I've brought to the table have been pooled with his to become....our money for our family which is made up of individuals who contribute.

I just don't get it 🤷‍♀️

He just sounds worse in every update.

So, you both decide to have child. You alone lose earnings, pension contributions and physically push yourself.

You take time off to take care of your child and look after everything at home. You alone lose out on earnings, career progression and pension contributions

You go back on reduced hours to save on childcare bills for both of you. You take the financial hit again.

You get ill and have to reduce hours. You take the financial hit.

You need an operation and have to be off work. You've guessed it, you take the financial hit.

And he has all the time, money and energy in the world to waltz in for a few hours at the weekend to "be a brilliant father". When he won't pay for clothes, birthdays, Christmas or, in fact, anything?

You're "not allowed" to take big decisions. He's out-and-out nasty with his comments. He doesn't want to spend time with you.

What would you do if your DD was in this relationship? What would you say to her?

I'm really sorry, OP. I hope some of the practical advice on this thread will help you, including looking at the Freedom Programme.

I know this sounds awful but he takes her to the pub every Saturday with him!! dd seems to really enjoy it though. Oh and he sometimes does homework with her

That is NOT a brilliant father, that’s a good uncle. Where are your standards? Would you call a woman a brilliant mother if that’s all she did with her own child? You need to stop letting this selfish prick rule the roost, you deserve so much more than this, and so does your daughter.

This is both financial and emotional abuse OP I'm so angry he's keeping you impoverished to the point of not being able to afford glasses. Xxx

If you got out of the situation he could still have the same relationship with DD (pub on Saturdays helping with a bit of homework) you shouldn't have to live like this x

You haven't given one good reason to stay with him.

Divorce him, get half and live your life!!

Half the childcare costs are his, to start with.

Dh won't do shared finances, I think he's scared I'll spend his money
Um... it's not his money though. You're married and you have a kid. It's family money, and a court would agree in a divorce. And if he interrogates you over every expenditure, then that's financial abuse. Do you interrogate him about how he spends family money?

The only time I can envisage that a couple should be monitoring each other's spending to that degree is if they are literally living hand to mouth and don't have a penny spare to pay the rent/bills, or if one has a gambling problem and a history of taking family money to gamble. Most couples will set a kind of psychological price, beyond which they would discuss expenditure with a partner. That price would depend on the family's financial situation. In some families that would mean anything over £20 had to be discussed, in others it would be anything over £500, or in the thousands. And it would apply to both of them.

Thank you guys for helping to open my eyes!!

I used to be such a strong independent woman, I even traveled the world (including Middle East) on my own in my 20's.

That was over 20 years ago now though and over the past 15 years of our relationship I've been slowly broken down to nothing.

Ffs he even shows our daughter big fat basted videos from the Austin Powers movie to make jokes at mummy with

Eugh. Leave him, he’s a disgusting pig.

I do have access to the savings in my name, but dh checks on them regularly and it's more than my life is worth to actually spend any of it without his permission

Oh god, just saw this. Wtf! As a comparison - DH just moved tens of thousands to me, because I pay lower tax than he does. By doing this he is obviously trusting I won't spend it uneccessarily though we both see it as family money anyway. I'm the only one who can access these accounts. I half-jokingly said, "look I'll show you the accounts, and obviously you can have the login any time to see." His response: "Darling, if I ever feel I have to check then we have serious problems in our relationship."

That maybe came out wrong -

Ffs he even shows our daughter big fat basted videos from the Austin Powers movie to make jokes at mummy with

Make a plan. Get out.

"Darling, if I ever feel I have to check then we have serious problems in our relationship."

That wasn't a threat, that was him saying "i trust you entirely that you will do what is best for our family, and I cannot imagine myself ever having to check up on what you do with that money"

Why not open up a separate acount in your name today online and start putting savings into that instead.
Think back to the day you fell in love/agreed to marry - is this what you thought you were signing up for?

If you divorced would you get more money from him than the amount he gives you now? You might find that you get more from him plus help from the government. If you are married you will get a share of the house as well, speak to a solicitor before you speak to your husband.

Why on earth are you still with this dreadful man?

Your DD spends weekends with DP, watching him get drunk and smoking?

He isn’t a brilliant father. Far from it. Your poor DD.

Hey op, I agree with pp who have suggested you do the freedom programme. I did the online one, it costs £10 or £20. Apparently the real life one is better but if that's not possible I recommend the online one, it did a lot of good for me.

His behaviour does not sound right at all. My partner is very mean with money (when it comes to me), but bills, most things for dd, and any medical related stuff are paid for by him. He might grumble a bit if I needed a large amount for dental work for example, but he would not tell me to start saving or do anything like that because we're a couple, we have the money, and he understands that I now earn less because I gave up my career when I had our DD. The way your husband is behaving doesn't sound right at all, and I genuinely wonder if you would be better off without him. And I don't just mean financially better off.

As for him being a great dad, is he there for the tantrums and the bad behaviour? Does he make sure she has food in and anything she needs for school? Does he look after when she's sick? Is there for any of the hard stuff?

My dad used to take me to the pub on weekends when I was young too. I loved it. But he was still a terrible, terrible dad who was abusive and controlling to my mum as well as to me and my siblings, and I have zero contact with him now.

As PP have said it’s not fair for you to be taking all of the child costs!
Both our wages go into the joint account. All direct debits, child care costs, food shops, family days out, house costs etc comes from that.

I did used to have regular arguments with my husband about spending on what I saw as a waste of money & he was always wanting expensive “things” when I thought we didn’t have the money & it caused resentment on both sides.
In the end we now both have an equal amount of “pocket money” transferred into our own accounts each month.
If he wants to spend £000’s on fishing stuff I have no say. It’s up to him but when the money is gone, it’s gone, no pushing for more.
Quite telling that I have a few months of pocket money left in my account & he is scraping by each month, but it means we don’t argue about it anymore!!

Brilliant fathers use their income, however large or small, for the benefit of their children.

People mentioning the child care costs etc, seem to be missing the point that he is actually paying towards them by giving you the money to cover them in the first place. I dont think that is the problem you have. The problem is he is checks on your spending, doesnt help around the house, doesnt seem particularly pleasant. You may not be financially better off if you leave him but you may well be a lot happier.

Threads like this always scream FINANCIAL ABUSE to me.

He doesn't take care of his child at all unless it is convenient for him. He doesn't inconvenience himself.
He slowly worn you down.
He might have a secret stash of savings but monitors yours. You need to make a list of all of his accounts if you can as it can be very useful when divorcing. Do it secretly so he doesn't know you know about them. He might then lie in court and it will count against him.
Good job for having some savings. It helps with escape towards your and your daughter's brighter future.

If by 'shared finances' you mean a joint account - don't do it. Joint accounts are financial lunacy. He needs to pay a reasonable amount into your sole account to cover your expenses.