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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A dh and finances one

133 replies

sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 13:50

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable as I'm really not sure if I am.

Myself and dh have always had separate finances. He has a big job and I have always earned significantly less than him. All fine, we always shared bills proportionate to what we earned.

8 years ago I had dd, and after my maternity had run out decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. DH said he was going to put a certain amount in my bank account every month so that I could still cover bills. This arrangement worked fine, and I have always covered all the costs such as cloths, clubs etc for our dd.

Once dd started nursery I got a part time job that fitted around her nursery / school times and have been in this job ever since. DH continued to pay money into my account every month (this has been the same amount since the beginning and 2/3 of it goes directly into savings now which dh knows about) I still cover all costs for dd as well.

Recently my health has not been good and I've had to reduce my hours at work so have been earning significantly less. Since there has been a couple of instances that have made me go 😮😮. Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

If you've got this far, thank you so much 😊

OP posts:
nettie434 · 04/03/2020 14:27

The comments about the glasses and giving up work were horrible. But shouldn’t you have access to the savings? Otherwise you have been economising on the bills, food etc just to give him more money to spend on himself or to make big purchases without involving you.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:29

I'm not sure why everything to do with dd is on me, just always has been. Even when I was pregnant I was the one to buy everything needed.

I'm also responsible for all birthdays and Christmas'. If I left it up to dh she would never of had a party and would get next to nothing for Christmas. He is really that mean

OP posts:
Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:31

I do have access to the savings in my name, but dh checks on them regularly and it's more than my life is worth to actually spend any of it without his permission

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 04/03/2020 14:35

I couldn't live with someone like that.

cochineal7 · 04/03/2020 14:37

I don’t get that he actually only pays a fixed amount and you have to provide all childcare and I assume housekeeping and pay everything for the house (also food and groceries?) plus everything for your DD. That is an amazing deal. For him. No risk, just a fixed amount. And is the house in his name?

nettie434 · 04/03/2020 14:40

Oh that is awful sassypants. I was hoping the savings were seen as yours. That level of control and lack of concern about how you manage seems abusive to me Flowers It’s worth looking up financial abuse so you can see you are not being unreasonable at all. It will also help you think through your options about what you can do.

Wa1kthisway · 04/03/2020 14:41

Yabu.
you should have saved up for things such as glasses, meds for yourself when sick, replacement/wear and tear for things you need.
He's still paying for the roof over your head, food in your belly and all you need to do is be responsible for your own outgoings.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:43

Yes the house is in his name, we're mortgage free now so I'm assuming quite financially comfortable (for him anyway)

He also makes jokes about paying me in front of family and friends and sometimes threatens not to pay me if I've spent too much on something

And yes I'm also responsible for ALL housework and he's had a mantrum previously when he thought the house was to messy !!

As I write all this, seeing it in black and white, it's shocking and I'm wondering why I've let it go on for so long.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 14:43

And the child Wa1k

Do you have access to his savings OP or at least know how much he has?

ChateauMargaux · 04/03/2020 14:45

So many of these threads on here at the moment.

Women sacrifice their careers to facilitate their family. In addition to the physical burden of carrying children and the physical and emotional changes and long term impact that brings, they take time out of their careers which is impossible to get back later.

Women take on the family burden, looking after the mental, physical and emotional wellbeing of the entire family as well as numerous domestic tasks. This prevents them from engaging in work in the same way that men do.

Men invariably fail to recognise this and look back years later and see how they have funded the life the woman has, completely ignoring the fact that this is a sacrifice that leaves women without their own income and reduces the self esteem of woman considerably. Women are also more likely to take on the mental load and domestic tasks at work as well with even senior women taking personal responsibility for the welfare of their staff in a way that men do not because we are conditioned to do so and it is expected of us.

Then consider that with how women are over looked, talked over, passed over for promotion and underpaid at work, regardless of whether they are mothers.

It's nternational womens day on Sunday. Rise up women!!! Push back!!

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:46

I have no idea what he has in savings, but he gives the impression that he squirrels away a lot of savings each month into various accounts

OP posts:
darkhall · 04/03/2020 14:51

Glasses and surgery are a necessity for you to continue taking care of your child.

What is going to happen when you're unable to take care of DD while you recuperate from surgery? Who is taking care of her then? And is he going to be driving you to and from, helping you with your medications and food, stuff like that?

user1423578854468 · 04/03/2020 14:53

Concerning. You might want to think about doing the Freedom Programme.

RandomLondoner · 04/03/2020 14:53

You can get new glasses for £25, maybe less.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 14:54

He's assuming I'll support dd from ssp!!

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/03/2020 14:55

He's a knob
He doesn't contribute to housework
He sounds financially abusive

ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 14:56

Why should she get £25 glasses if there is much more than that in family savings, as that is what the DH savings should be seen and treated as.

Everydaylife · 04/03/2020 14:57

If you save 2/3 of what he gives you, get the glasses out of the savings and anything else you need. Or don’t save 2/3. Or Don’t save anything and spend it all.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/03/2020 14:57

I certainly wouldn't be letting him dictate what you spend your money on. And he should be helping around the house. Time for a stern conversation

Frenchw1fe · 04/03/2020 14:58

Your dh does this because you let him. Pull you big girl pants up and tell him you’re an equal partner in your marriage and it’s time you had equal access to money. Don’t let him fob you off.
It’s equality or he can fuck off.

My dh and i have equal access to both our monthly incomes. We each buy what we need and discuss large purchases.

Original poster
sassypants72 · 04/03/2020 15:00

I very much doubt dh with help out when I have surgery, that will fall on my elderly parents. He would not take time off work for anything.

Even when I had dd by caesarean he didn't help out and I was running round doing stuff a few days later. I remember my midwife even layed into him, but it made no difference

OP posts:
Frenchw1fe · 04/03/2020 15:00

He's assuming I'll support dd from ssp!!

She’s his dd too. Tell him to support her.

Franticbutterfly · 04/03/2020 15:01

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation, seems really alien to me that there is so much “yours” and “mine”.

Lippy1234 · 04/03/2020 15:02

Be assertive and pay for your glasses with your savings.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/03/2020 15:02

Does he do anything with DD?

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