A dh and finances one

[sassypants72]

Please tell me if I'm being unreasonable as I'm really not sure if I am.

Myself and dh have always had separate finances. He has a big job and I have always earned significantly less than him. All fine, we always shared bills proportionate to what we earned.

8 years ago I had dd, and after my maternity had run out decided not to return to work as I would be taking home next to nothing after paying for childcare. DH said he was going to put a certain amount in my bank account every month so that I could still cover bills. This arrangement worked fine, and I have always covered all the costs such as cloths, clubs etc for our dd.

Once dd started nursery I got a part time job that fitted around her nursery / school times and have been in this job ever since. DH continued to pay money into my account every month (this has been the same amount since the beginning and 2/3 of it goes directly into savings now which dh knows about) I still cover all costs for dd as well.

Recently my health has not been good and I've had to reduce my hours at work so have been earning significantly less. Since there has been a couple of instances that have made me go 😮😮. Firstly I fell over and broke my glasses and instead of offering to help with the cost dh says 'well I hope you've saved up for them' !!! Secondly this morning I was talking about picking up overtime and dh says 'well you're going to need it as your going to be off work soon and hard up' (I have to have a big operation, and will be off for 6 months).

If you've got this far, thank you so much 😊

Look up the freedom programme. It will help you find the emotional strength you’ll need for this.

Oh sassypants72 this is such a difficult time for you. You are clearly a really brave and resilient woman to have got over the childhood abuse, gone travelling etc. Meany Squirrel (sorry, I'm seething) has done very well thanks to your contribution. Hope you can talk to someone at Women's Aid and do the Freedom programme (with all the precautions to keep him from knowing what you are doing). It sounds as if it will be complicated to get things sorted financially but you do have rights. I think I remember someone mentioning that some solicitors can offer a free half hour session just to get started. Women's Aid will definitely know local firms who are experienced in this area and who are a bit more rights based than profit motivated.

Wow, if my DH ever broke his glasses I wouldn’t say such a thing but offer to help pay as soon as they can be replaced.

And he earns the same as me

Hope you've still got the jewellery. A decent auction house could get you a good price for it.

Just to be clear the 2/3 actually more like 3/4 started going into savings once I started working and was earning. These are ISA's in mine and dd's name for tax reasons. ie his ISA,s are maxed out. The payments going into these savings also goes up 5% every year

Next trim he mentions money I’d be tempted to remind him that if you divorced him you’d get 50% of everything

Don’t do that unless you can get out of him an expensive piece of jewellery you can sell after and then have no qualms about divorcing him anyway.

I would be getting photos of his bank statements, wage slips and all the finances he pays for.

Mean people only get meaner with age.

You and your dc will be better off without someone so selfish in their lives.

If you own your own home you will get at least 1/2 the equity.
You will also get a set amount in CM

At least you will be able to be in charge of your own destiny.

My worry would be that if he acts like a single person with no financial responsibility for his wife and child then he is likely to start acting like a single person without a wife and child and if he thinks he might leave you he will hide any money from you and give up his job so he doesn’t have to pay you anything.

Just to say if he is buying you to stay with expensive jewellery and holidays it is because the cost of those is a drop in the ocean compared to what he would lose if you did decide to leave.

I would use some of your savings to pay for a shit-hot lawyer to get you divorced from this horrible, mean-spirited man.

He is being abusive to you in lots of ways and won't get any better.

It's not good for your daughter to see him mock you openly.

Please look do everything you can to get away from him. I am sure your life will improve immeasurably.

Good luck!